(no subject)
i had to make an emergency appointment with my therapist yesterday. my mom definitely crossed a line that was unacceptable. After i posted my last journal entry, I went to sleep only to be abruptly woke up at 3 a.m. my mom bust open the door to my bedroom and threw a letter on my bed (in response to the email I mentioned in my last entry) and said in the meanest, nastiest voice, “here’s a reply to your sweet, little letter”, then slammed my door shut and stormed up the stairs. I was in shock. I just lay in the dark shocked, then frightened, then angry. I remembered the lock on my door and locked it to prevent her from coming back. I was immediately transported back to the days when my parents were both drinking (and when they weren't) and they would do things like that to me. I remained in the dark quiet and began to pray. About 20 minutes after the insane tantrum in my room, she started stomping around the kitchen, which is right above where I sleep. She knows very well that I can hear every noise and am often woken up by people’s normal activity in the kitchen, let alone crazy temper tantrum behavior. She stomped around and pressed a million buttons on the microwave for about five minutes. I believe she wanted me to come up there raging and angry so she could start shooting bullets back. She wanted to hurt me. I refused, and will continue to refuse, to give her the attention that she wants. She has been acting so immature this week that I’m just done with it. Obviously, trying to communicate with her is not getting me anywhere, so I will distance myself from her and her tantrum ways and her ridiculous behavior. What she did by busting in my room and waking me up and continuing to try and prevent me from sleeping was simply a form of abuse. This is not behavior that I will tolerate.
I was actually scared to go home last night. I just needed to be out of that situation. My mom's behavior this past week has been a rude awakening to me. My mom hasn't acted like this since 1997 when she left our family and moved to Washington for a year and a half. I didn't talk to her while she was gone, but reestablished a relationship with her when she moved back in late 1998. when she came back, she was a completely different person then the mother that I had known my entire life. Ever since she came back we have had (what I thought was) this wonderful relationship that was new and refreshing and the relationship that I had longed for my entire life. I was wrong though, that crazy, irratic, immature mother was always still there, but just not active until this past week. I have realized that as long as she is under the impression that I am on her side believing she is the victim of my dad, her job, her life - then she is the "ideal" mom. But when I wasn't going to support her victim role, then the mom I knew my whole life came back in full force. Like I said, this has been a rude awakening. I haven't seen the mother that I knew from as far back as I can remember until I was 18 years old in about 6 years. It has been somewhat devasting, but not too much because I was just enjoying the actress so much and now it is just accepting reality that she still very much has this mean streak to her.
My therapist made a good point at how my mom has worked really, really hard to convince my sister and I that she was the victim of my dad and it was all him. We pin all of the blame on my dad. That just isn't true though. Yes, my dad had a ton of responsibility in my parents horrific marriage and blessing of a divorce, but it was not all my dad. My mom convinced me that the reason she treated him and us the nasty way she did is because he made her behave that way. The way she has treated me this past week is the same way that she treated him throughout their marriage and that was not appropriate to him either. My mom is a master at playing the victim. It’s everyone else’s actions, not hers.
Another important point that my therapist wanted to make clear to me was to compartimentalize that this is my mom's behavior, this is not everyone else in my life's behavior. My mom is sick and dysfunctional, but not everyone is out to hurt me. that was good that she planted that seed in my head because this past week has made me weary. It has raised fear that everyone else could be fooling me and the minute I don't agree with them then they could turn on a dime and do everything in their power to hurt me. while someone could do that to me, i'm not going to live my life like that. if it happens, i'll just deal with it at the time because if i live my life like everyone is out to behave the same way as my parents then i'll never have trust or have functional relationships with anyone.
I had a fantastic realization while I was praying after my mom stormed in my room. I have been praying for a few months that the Lord reveal a place for me to move to that would be close to work and church. I haven’t been very actively searching though because i have (had) such a comfortable renting situation living with my mom. very cheap and everything included. well, this experience was a blessing because it has activated "operation get motivated" and i have started looking for somewhere close to work and church to live.
overall, this situation has been so stressful and not very pleasant, but i'm proud of myself. i'm so proud of the way that i have handled myself - not one outburst, not one ounce of giving in to her behavior and actually finding the positives in the situation. this experience is not paralyzing me to not living my life and i'm still striving for happiness and grace in my life because i do believe i deserve it.
I was actually scared to go home last night. I just needed to be out of that situation. My mom's behavior this past week has been a rude awakening to me. My mom hasn't acted like this since 1997 when she left our family and moved to Washington for a year and a half. I didn't talk to her while she was gone, but reestablished a relationship with her when she moved back in late 1998. when she came back, she was a completely different person then the mother that I had known my entire life. Ever since she came back we have had (what I thought was) this wonderful relationship that was new and refreshing and the relationship that I had longed for my entire life. I was wrong though, that crazy, irratic, immature mother was always still there, but just not active until this past week. I have realized that as long as she is under the impression that I am on her side believing she is the victim of my dad, her job, her life - then she is the "ideal" mom. But when I wasn't going to support her victim role, then the mom I knew my whole life came back in full force. Like I said, this has been a rude awakening. I haven't seen the mother that I knew from as far back as I can remember until I was 18 years old in about 6 years. It has been somewhat devasting, but not too much because I was just enjoying the actress so much and now it is just accepting reality that she still very much has this mean streak to her.
My therapist made a good point at how my mom has worked really, really hard to convince my sister and I that she was the victim of my dad and it was all him. We pin all of the blame on my dad. That just isn't true though. Yes, my dad had a ton of responsibility in my parents horrific marriage and blessing of a divorce, but it was not all my dad. My mom convinced me that the reason she treated him and us the nasty way she did is because he made her behave that way. The way she has treated me this past week is the same way that she treated him throughout their marriage and that was not appropriate to him either. My mom is a master at playing the victim. It’s everyone else’s actions, not hers.
Another important point that my therapist wanted to make clear to me was to compartimentalize that this is my mom's behavior, this is not everyone else in my life's behavior. My mom is sick and dysfunctional, but not everyone is out to hurt me. that was good that she planted that seed in my head because this past week has made me weary. It has raised fear that everyone else could be fooling me and the minute I don't agree with them then they could turn on a dime and do everything in their power to hurt me. while someone could do that to me, i'm not going to live my life like that. if it happens, i'll just deal with it at the time because if i live my life like everyone is out to behave the same way as my parents then i'll never have trust or have functional relationships with anyone.
I had a fantastic realization while I was praying after my mom stormed in my room. I have been praying for a few months that the Lord reveal a place for me to move to that would be close to work and church. I haven’t been very actively searching though because i have (had) such a comfortable renting situation living with my mom. very cheap and everything included. well, this experience was a blessing because it has activated "operation get motivated" and i have started looking for somewhere close to work and church to live.
overall, this situation has been so stressful and not very pleasant, but i'm proud of myself. i'm so proud of the way that i have handled myself - not one outburst, not one ounce of giving in to her behavior and actually finding the positives in the situation. this experience is not paralyzing me to not living my life and i'm still striving for happiness and grace in my life because i do believe i deserve it.