(no subject)
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world." What is the pattern of this world? Is there really a difference between the way people who don't know Jesus live, and the way that people who do know him live? Should there be? Of course there should. We shouldn't be focused on us and ourselves, but rather God and others, right?
Why is it so hard for me to do?
1)Perfectionism. I wanna touch everyone i come across, and have a freaky, beyond limits encounter with each person i talk to each day. And if i can't do that, if i can't pour all of my energy into everyone i meet for the day, then i refuse to even talk to one person or be there for one person.
2)I'm still very much focused on myself. I wanna be the Almighty Saviour, the one who rescues countless people out of their misery. I'm not humble. I don't fear and obey God about anything, Hell, i don't even want him in my life sometimes, just wanna do things my way even though i know it's blatantly not the best way. And i'd rather me be glorified and for everyone to like me than to worship God.
3)I'm insanely bogged down by what isn't, rather than lifting my eyes up to what could be and what God sees. It's in the way i see everything - i see myself as hopeless. Like i realize that God loves me etc, but in a way, it's almost like i can't accept it and believe in it for some reason. But i do, really. I really do know that God is just seeking, no - desiring - someone who longs after his desires. I just don't obey. I see situations as hopeless. I see the world as lifeless. I see people as unchangeable.
I thought i was fine, and i really was for a time. But now i realize i'm spiraling once again into the bottomless pit that is selfishness, rebellion, pride and fear - i am one of them - "their god is their stomach, their glory is in their shame, their mind is on earthly things". Have nothing to do with me: I am more hypocritical than the hypocrites.
Even that is giving into self-pity.
GEEZ.
Wake up, ya bloody idiot. Think. What is the pattern of this world? How do you transcend? How do you keep close to God in a world that neither knows him nor cares, and yet needs Him desperately?