Seasonal Spores (Or how Captain Kirk learned to love plants)
Title: Seasonal Spores (Or how Captain Kirk learned to love plants)
Author: Weebeanie
Series: STXI
Rating: PG 13
Length: 2622 words.
Warnings: No Plants were harmed (or otherwise molested) in the course of this story. So this is my first Star Trek fic and I wrote 'Plant Porn' without any actual porn!
Summary: Kirk’s convinced all plant life in the known (and unknown) universe is out to get him. So he’s not exactly thrilled with Sulu’s Christmas gift. Until he discovers it has an unexpected ‘benefit’...
****
It was a plant.
Maybe...
Jim wasn’t entirely convinced that it wasn’t some kind of sentient life form. Ok it looked like a plant but four months of missions to uncharted planets had left him wary of seemingly innocuous plant life since apparently he had some kind of magnetic attraction for all that was weird, wonderful and completely fucking crazy in the universe.
So it wasn’t the worst Christmas present he’d ever been given and really it was his own fault. Everyone knew that coming up to present-giving time you needed to drop casual hints so you didn’t end up with... plants.
If he hadn’t been so focused on trying to figure out the perfect gift for a certain pointy-eared hobgoblin then he could totally have run a cunning campaign to prod his senior crew in the direction of gifts he could really appreciate. Jim figured it was a sign of emotional maturity and personal growth in response to the burden of command that he was more concerned with whether Spock appreciated his gifts. ‘It is better to give than receive’ or whatever...
He could keep one plant alive.
Probably.
Possibly.
Dammit. If he accidently killed the thing he could always claim it wasn’t able to thrive in space. It wasn’t as if they really knew anything about it other than Sulu thought it was awesome. The XenoBotanists had spent three days running every test they, Sulu, Spock and Kirk could think of and finally declared it completely harmless in every way. Hiraku had been so pleased and proud when he presented it as a Christmas gift that Jim hadn’t had the heart to confess his growing conviction that all plant life in the known (and unknown) universe was out to get him.
It isn’t paranoia if they’re really out to get you and the evidence spoke for itself...
Five sacred Plants which he’d managed to inadvertently desecrate. Although Jim was convinced that the inhabitants of Auddra II had decided to make that yellow weed sacred on the spot, simply because they wanted him stripped naked and tied to an altar. He was damn sure they’d been improvising that naked trust ritual.
Four plants had provoked strange physiological reactions ranging from changing colour to growing unnecessary (though thankfully temporary) appendages which resembled tentacles.
Three plant species turned out to be sentient and naturally rather angry with someone trying to snap off part of their body as a biological specimen.
Two plants tried to kill him! Ok the first was just your everyday poisonous mushroom thingy but the other was an honest to god sentient assassin plant. Only Jim Kirk could face near death at the hands (fronds?) of a ninja fern.
And he was never, ever going to think about the plant from Moranis which found him irresistibly attractive and managed to follow him back to his cabin...
Still, none of that was Sulu’s fault. He was actually crazy enough to like plants and just wanted his Captain to share his enthusiasm for a new discovery.
Jim would have to man up and do his best to keep the plant alive while simultaneously ignoring its existence.
Not a problem.
But if that thing showed any signs of bursting into song, it was heading straight for an airlock faster than it could say “feed me”.
****
It took a while to find the perfect spot for his plant-thingy to make sure it wouldn’t catch him off guard and freak him out when he entered his quarters or loom over him if he woke up at night. It wasn’t going to help his occasional nightmares which had taken on a disturbing plant based theme recently. Jim tilted his head in consideration. Maybe if he covered it with a sheet... It probably needed warmth right?
Oh screw it. He didn’t have time to indulge his plant phobia. Spock would be here in fifteen, no make that thirteen point six minutes for their 'non-date' (most definitely not a date). Barely enough time for a normal guy to make himself presentable... Luckily he was Captain James T Kirk, saviour of whole planets, defeater of no-win situations and master of the quick change. Oh shit... what to wear? Calm down Jim. This is not a date. Vulcans do not date impulsive, emotional, human Starship Captains. This is only a... what had Spock called it? Oh yeah.
“An excellent opportunity to maintain the working relationship of the Senior Command Team through discourse within an informal yet socially appropriate setting.”
Which Jim took to mean that Spock wanted to escape the “illogical” ship-wide partying. The Enterprise had gone all out for the seasonal celebrations which Kirk had privately labelled the ‘How the fuck have we made it alive ‘til Christmas? Let’s party!’ Party.
The Vulcan had joined in with every brainstorming session without complaint, even going so far as to suggest appropriate traditions from other cultures and planets which could be incorporated to ensure all crew felt included and valued. Spock had then stoically attended every planned gathering with his usual impassive grace which enabled Kirk to amuse himself with continuing his ongoing mental catalogue of ‘Vulcan Eyebrow Translation’.
Spock’s expression when he saw Scotty dressed in full Santa regalia along with Chekov, Sulu and Bones as his (respectively ‘Happy’, ‘Embarrassed’ and ‘Drunk-enough-to-survive-this-but-not-enough-to-forget-it’) Little Elves would keep Jim entertained for weeks. Not to mention incredibly grateful that he hadn’t been among those foolish enough to lose to Uhura at Poker after having tried to convince her and Chapel to wear skimpy Elf costumes.
Jim dressed quickly, stifling the sneeze that threatened to erupt. McCoy had kicked him out of sick-bay hours earlier insisting there was no physical or biological reason for the plant to cause him to sneeze. Apparently it was all in his head. Bones had picked a great time to drop his usual over-zealous dedication to Jim’s health. Just when an excuse to get rid of Sulu’s gift would have been appreciated! But Noooo, Bones had to get all medically ethical...
“Dammit Jim, I’m not running any more pointless tests. You are not allergic to this plant. You’re allergic to exactly three substances, none of which are present in this completely harmless plant.”
“Three known allergies, Bones! We’re exploring space. There’s a whole universe of things to react to. Have you forgotten that Fern thing on Krelb? It turned me purple. I was purple for six days! All of me.”
“It isn’t an allergy if it happens to everyone Jim. I thought you and Ensign Flynn were a very fetching shade of violet and it was hardly life threatening. Now be a good Captain and quit botherin’ me. I have an elf costume to burn and six horrific hours to wipe from my memory.”
Jim had trudged backed to his quarters reluctantly bearing the shrub and resigned to keeping it on display until he could stage some sort of tragic foliage-killing accident. Now that was an idea!
He dragged his attention back to the here and now as the door to his quarters slid open to reveal his Vulcan, perfectly prompt as always.
****
So dropping the plant had possibly not been his best plan.
But truly it seemed like a great opportunity to destroy, em, dispose of the thing before it had a chance to put any dastardly world-domination plans into action. And in front of an excellent eye witness who could support his planned apologetic tale of woe and clumsiness to Sulu.
Admittedly he hadn’t expected the bulbous growths to open when they hit the floor and yes the sudden cloud of alien... pollen? (Spores?) which engulfed them both and sent him sneezing to the bathroom was a bit of a shock.
Though not nearly as shocking as Spock’s reaction.
Jim prided himself on expecting the unexpected but finding himself pinned against the wall by his First Officer was unusual to say the least. Thankfully his genius level IQ enabled him to multitask - he could gleefully commit to memory the feel of the lean, muscled body currently plastered against his own (very appreciative) frame while outwardly projecting his best ‘Concerned Captain’ persona.
“Spock, are you feeling ok?”
Ignoring his inner voice (Which was cheerfully confirming that Spock felt pretty damn good to him), Jim briefly considered trying to wriggle his way out of the embrace before deciding that added friction would probably lead to further... complications. Sliding his hands up to Spock’s shoulders (Yummy, Vulcan muscles!) he pushed firmly but ineffectively. (Dammit, Vulcan muscles!)
Instead of delivering the expected snarky lecture on the subject of Vulcan feelings, the control thereof and the human predilection for inexact and thus meaningless queries, Spock moved Jim’s arms to hold them against the wall in a gentle but unbreakable grip without even lifting his head from Jim’s shoulder.
Jim stifled a moan as a deliciously hot tongue began tracing patterns along his neck.
So, Aphrodisiac Sex Spore Plant then. Now, why hadn’t that been on his list? Of course, going with the pattern of his luck up ‘til tonight he’d have considered it more likely to be exposed to sex spores with just about anyone (Sulu, Scotty, Keenser, Cupcake) except the subject of his secret, longstanding, illogical crush.
Though it probably wasn’t much of a secret now that his Touch Telepath First Officer was practically glued to him...
That would be the First Officer who was currently devoting all of his considerable concentration to mapping every inch of available skin with his lips, tongue and (Oh God!) teeth. Giving in to the urge to lean back and allow Spock more access, Jim felt a moment of regret for his quick-change skills. If he’d only taken a few minutes longer then he wouldn’t be so overdressed now. Spock was obviously in agreement, releasing Jim’s hands and reaching to rip open his shirt.
This would be the moment for a quick-thinking Captain to take the initiative and free himself from his obviously compromised shipmate. Yeah, this was the perfect moment to do something.
Anything...
Or he could just stand here and let his dick do his thinking for him.
While Captain Kirk was still sending furious messages to his reluctant body (His dick having apparently staged a successful coup and overthrown his conscience) the moment of opportunity passed and he was trapped once more in an uncompromising hold. Really there was nothing else to do but enjoy, um, suffer Spock’s attentions. You were supposed to humour anyone affected by sex pollen right? Jim was sure he’d read it could be dangerous to try to force them wake up. Or was that sleep walkers? Well, whatever... he was prepared to sacrifice his dignity (and what virtue he had left) rather than risk harming Spock.
Jim’s eyes closed as he relaxed into the sensations threatening to overwhelm him. Soft lips laid a trail along his neck, a teasing tongue stroked his skin and then that incredible mouth was tugging and sucking at his neck. And if that wasn’t a kink of his before it was so going to develop into one. Just the idea that Spock was marking him, claiming him, had him instantly hard.
He could feel Spock’s lips curve against his skin and an unusually husky yet familiar voice murmured next to his ear.
“Fascinating.”
Those Spock related kinks were rapidly multiplying. Jim struggled to clear his thoughts as Spock met his gaze for the first time since the pollen cloud had enveloped them. “Me? Fascinating? Now that’s great. I aim to fascinate but ah, didn’t you want to, you know, engage in discourse?”
“No. Not really. I would prefer to engage in coitus at this time.”
The deep chocolate eyes that held Kirk’s were bright with almost evangelical conviction. How could he be expected to resist? His Starfleet training on resistance to torture hadn’t covered how to deny a Vulcan in full-on seduction mode. Would it really be so bad to surrender to this? Something they both needed so desperately. Something he’d been wanting for what felt like forever.
“Spock. We can’t. You don’t really want this, want me. It’s just the sex pollen talking. As soon as it wears off you’ll want to kill me, then Bones will kill you and they’ll send him to Maximum Security. We can’t send Bones to prison!”
“I would greatly appreciate it if you would refrain from mentioning Dr McCoy.”
So apparently sex pollen didn’t produce a mellow mood in Vulcans. But on the plus side, jealous, territorial Spock was totally hot! Jim could happily spend a lifetime exploring the full range of Spock related kinks he was planning on indulging. He looked into the eyes of the Vulcan he adored and imagined all the possibilities of a passion-filled night. Then he thought of the morning after and how Spock would look at him in horror at his betrayal.
No, no. There was no way he was going to take advantage of the effects of that damn plant on a friend who trusted him. He would do the right thing. Even if it meant he never got this close to Spock again.
The forceful command he intended somehow came out as a desperate plea. “Spock, I can’t. Not like this.”
Spock’s suddenly serious eyes bored into him as slender hands slipped into his own calloused grip and intertwined their fingers. “Jim, I can assure you that while this specimen may have certain aphrodisiac qualities, it in no way impairs my judgement. I remain uncompromised and am fully capable of informed consent with regard to recreational activities.”
Jim’s relief was instant. “You are aren’t you?” Thank you God! But wait. Jim recognised the Eyebrow of Guilt. (Actually the full translation was the ‘I am feeling slightly guilty that I circumvented your orders but am mostly pleased with myself because I know what’s best for you.’ Eyebrow.)
“How do you know about the properties of this particular specimen? You set this up didn’t you? You sneaky bastard!”
“I wished to discover whether you would be amenable to intimacy between us without jeopardising our current working relationship. Discovering this specimen had similar properties to a species found on Vulcan was providential.”
The realisation that his secret crush wasn’t so unrequited after all was leaving Jim rather giddy. He relaxed into his (Totally his!) Vulcan’s arms and grinned. “So this is like... Vulcan Viagra?”
Now that eyebrow twitch was definitely a disgruntled expression. “Vulcans do not require sexual stimulants. However, the term is not completely inaccurate.”
“It totally is Vulcan Viagra!”
Spock’s longsuffering ‘How do I endure humans?’ expression became suddenly intense and calculating as his hands resumed their exploration of Jim’s body. “I could only offer hypotheses as the full effects on Vulcan physiology have not been properly studied and documented. Confirmation would require a rigorous regime of thorough testing.”
Oh this was good. This was very, very good! “We couldn’t rush the testing stage of course. We’d have to devote all our free time to it for months, maybe even years.”
“Undoubtedly. Science should not be rushed.”
Jim turned on his best innocent expression knowing it made his eyes shine an even deeper blue than usual. “I guess we should do it for the sake of Science. I mean, if you really think it would be of benefit to the Federation.”
Spock pulled Jim closer. “I am certain it would lead to satisfaction for all parties.”
****
Many hours later a deliciously worn-out Jim reached out to softly stroke the leaves of his slightly battered but altogether adorable plant-thingy. Grinning, the Captain of the Enterprise tucked himself back into the possessive embrace of his equally exhausted First Officer.
That plant was totally the Best Christmas Present Ever.