scratches
i have bloody scratches going up and down the side of my right leg and on the end of my left elbow. i was too scared to dig deeper. the scratches sting now. i thought if i had focused all my pain into one area i could slowly release it all. of course, it didnt work. i just want to be numb. i dont want to feel anything anymore. everything i seem to do just makes everything else worse. he is never going to talk to me again. my mother is never going to change. my dad will never really know me. i just want to get away from everything. just far far away where i can just start over, where i dont know anyone and noone knows me. i can be on my own and learn to live with myself. being here just makes me want to kill myself. and i would be lying if i said i have never thought of doing it. i dont want to feel anymore. i dont want to think. i feel like the villain. everyone i have talked to has told me to go and see a counselor. i need to go see a counselor because talking to friends isnt getting me anywhere. i am going backwards. i cant even write what is on my mind, how i am feeling without hurting someone. he is never going to forgive me for saying those things. he is never going to forgive me for all of this. why should someone love me when i obviously dont love myself. im scared i am going to keep repeating all of this over and over again. i am going to keep hurting him and myself. i just want him to forgive me and to have trust and faith in me again. sigh.
i called my mother yesterday out of sheer desperation to talk to someone. she had the nerve to say that I needed to apologize, for what I dont know. I told her that they needed to apologize too. I told her that Brandon and I broke up and then she asked if I was pregnant. she will never change. she will always turn everything around and make it about herself. i just miss my sister. she is the only person i want to see from that side of the family. sigh
i wrote brandon a letter and stopped by his house to drop it off. i dont know if he has read it or not. i cant remember what i exactly wrote, but it wasnt perfect.
sigh.
moments like this i think about stupid shit. i think about doing stupid shit. i feel abandoned, left to fend for myself when i really need someone to just be here and talk to me.
the scratches will heal eventually...and maybe i will heal inside. maybe not.
good bye.
i called my mother yesterday out of sheer desperation to talk to someone. she had the nerve to say that I needed to apologize, for what I dont know. I told her that they needed to apologize too. I told her that Brandon and I broke up and then she asked if I was pregnant. she will never change. she will always turn everything around and make it about herself. i just miss my sister. she is the only person i want to see from that side of the family. sigh
i wrote brandon a letter and stopped by his house to drop it off. i dont know if he has read it or not. i cant remember what i exactly wrote, but it wasnt perfect.
sigh.
moments like this i think about stupid shit. i think about doing stupid shit. i feel abandoned, left to fend for myself when i really need someone to just be here and talk to me.
the scratches will heal eventually...and maybe i will heal inside. maybe not.
good bye.