[ooc] just. rambling. orz
Essaaaaay I should write my paper instead, but. Derp. This is going to be a ramble, because I'm going to write it as it comes to me, and it's midnight and yes. DON'T EXPECT AND OVERLY COHERENT ANALYSIS HERE I'm pretty sure it's not going to make sense AT ALL.
So. There's a few things I might need to clear up regarding Chitose. This is mostly so I can get it off my mind a little.
Chitose's not really in a good place right now, mentally or emotionally. Starting out, he arrived at camp in a state of... confusion and disorientation about his own feelings and what he really wanted. He never really got to talk to Koganei before coming to camp, which meant that Koganei wasn't really the person who saw through him as canon provides us with. The people Chitose befriended in camp did. This is a huge difference, in terms of what Chitose feels towards Koganei and etc. It's not that it has the same effect with the people here as it has with Koganei, but the fact remains that he didn't have that super serious talk with him. At least not at the level as in canon.
When Koganei arrived in camp, Chitose wasn't sure how to handle it, but it eventually turned out good! This was because Chitose was still very relieved that Koganei wasn't mad at him, or that they wouldn't go separate ways. Because as a basis, Chitose IS in love with Koganei, but he wasn't just sure HOW he was. He's still not really sure about it, to be honest.
But he was happy he arrived. And also somewhat bothered by it, because of the relationships Chitose has built up in camp. Especially when Koganei mistook Fuuma for someone Chitose was interested in and would leave him for. Which would be stupid, because despite that crush Chitose has on Fuuma, he knows nothing will come out of it. And he told Koganei that. Despite that, it kind of put a strain on them, the knowledge of that Chitose had a sort of connection elsewhere.
What makes matters WORSE is that Chitose hasn't had the experience of dating Koganei in the same amount of time as Koganei had. This is because to Koganei, they'd been together for about half a year (due to the timeline Koganei got pulled from), and to Chitose, it's all new and weird, but somewhat welcoming. I'd imagine, it was more than a bit frustrating to Koganei that Chitose didn't remember ANYTHING. And Chitose felt guilty because of it, and didn't really know what to do about it other than smiling. But it was hard to keep the shield up, and Chitose was afraid that Koganei would break up with him because of... everything Chitose'd told him, and everything he didn't remember, and the people Chitose knew in camp. It's no secret that Chitose is a person who attaches to a lot of people, and in this case, it was different because his view on Koganei isn't quite the same as canon, due to camp experiences.
So Chitose tried coming to terms with making it work and be happy that they talked things out. But it feels like the impact of what Koganei told Chitose had lost a bit of it's power, because people had already told him this before. Koganei didn't really manage to reach him in the same way, and this is what made Chitose less... attached to him. More outgoing. Which is both a good and a bad thing.
Though he was very happy to finally have Koganei there, and someone who was concentrated on him and on their relationship. It was a security of sorts, and he was getting used to it, slowly, surely telling himself that this was a very good thing. Trying to put everything else behind him.
...and then Koganei left. Chitose is trying very much not to blame this on anyone but camp, but he feels mad in general, and even if Koganei isn't the reason himself, Chitose's still a bit miffed at him for it. Though mostly of all, Chitose just feels tired, both physically and mentally. He thought that stuff was turning out for the better, but his world pretty much crumbled when Koganei left. Koganei was sort of the last thing he actually wanted to cling to without feeling guilty for putting part of his burdens on others. Because Chitose doesn't want to be troublesome for anyone ever, and he hates feeling inferior, he hates it when people have to act up for him, save him, fuss over him. And yet, he can't help unconsciously seeking out comfort from some, even if he desperately tries to pretend nothing is wrong. Which is kind of a difficult feat when your friends see through your smile like it was glass.
Ultimately, Chitose's not sure he wants Koganei to come back to camp, because he couldn't deal with him leaving again, if that would happen. But at the same time, he wants him back so badly, because he feels alone. Really alone, and he didn't want to go back to that. He might even take the offer if someone else catches interest in him. And it might turn out bad, depending on who that'd be. He's also keeping away from alcohol, because he's not sure if he'd do something really stupid or not if he turned to that. So at the moment, he's stubbornly fighting off any sort of ill-feeling, any depression coming up, and smiling as much as he can, because it's easier not to think of it if he's concentrating on inane things.
Sadly to say, it's not working very well, and I'm left with a slightly emotionally unstable weatherman on my hands.
So. There's a few things I might need to clear up regarding Chitose. This is mostly so I can get it off my mind a little.
Chitose's not really in a good place right now, mentally or emotionally. Starting out, he arrived at camp in a state of... confusion and disorientation about his own feelings and what he really wanted. He never really got to talk to Koganei before coming to camp, which meant that Koganei wasn't really the person who saw through him as canon provides us with. The people Chitose befriended in camp did. This is a huge difference, in terms of what Chitose feels towards Koganei and etc. It's not that it has the same effect with the people here as it has with Koganei, but the fact remains that he didn't have that super serious talk with him. At least not at the level as in canon.
When Koganei arrived in camp, Chitose wasn't sure how to handle it, but it eventually turned out good! This was because Chitose was still very relieved that Koganei wasn't mad at him, or that they wouldn't go separate ways. Because as a basis, Chitose IS in love with Koganei, but he wasn't just sure HOW he was. He's still not really sure about it, to be honest.
But he was happy he arrived. And also somewhat bothered by it, because of the relationships Chitose has built up in camp. Especially when Koganei mistook Fuuma for someone Chitose was interested in and would leave him for. Which would be stupid, because despite that crush Chitose has on Fuuma, he knows nothing will come out of it. And he told Koganei that. Despite that, it kind of put a strain on them, the knowledge of that Chitose had a sort of connection elsewhere.
What makes matters WORSE is that Chitose hasn't had the experience of dating Koganei in the same amount of time as Koganei had. This is because to Koganei, they'd been together for about half a year (due to the timeline Koganei got pulled from), and to Chitose, it's all new and weird, but somewhat welcoming. I'd imagine, it was more than a bit frustrating to Koganei that Chitose didn't remember ANYTHING. And Chitose felt guilty because of it, and didn't really know what to do about it other than smiling. But it was hard to keep the shield up, and Chitose was afraid that Koganei would break up with him because of... everything Chitose'd told him, and everything he didn't remember, and the people Chitose knew in camp. It's no secret that Chitose is a person who attaches to a lot of people, and in this case, it was different because his view on Koganei isn't quite the same as canon, due to camp experiences.
So Chitose tried coming to terms with making it work and be happy that they talked things out. But it feels like the impact of what Koganei told Chitose had lost a bit of it's power, because people had already told him this before. Koganei didn't really manage to reach him in the same way, and this is what made Chitose less... attached to him. More outgoing. Which is both a good and a bad thing.
Though he was very happy to finally have Koganei there, and someone who was concentrated on him and on their relationship. It was a security of sorts, and he was getting used to it, slowly, surely telling himself that this was a very good thing. Trying to put everything else behind him.
...and then Koganei left. Chitose is trying very much not to blame this on anyone but camp, but he feels mad in general, and even if Koganei isn't the reason himself, Chitose's still a bit miffed at him for it. Though mostly of all, Chitose just feels tired, both physically and mentally. He thought that stuff was turning out for the better, but his world pretty much crumbled when Koganei left. Koganei was sort of the last thing he actually wanted to cling to without feeling guilty for putting part of his burdens on others. Because Chitose doesn't want to be troublesome for anyone ever, and he hates feeling inferior, he hates it when people have to act up for him, save him, fuss over him. And yet, he can't help unconsciously seeking out comfort from some, even if he desperately tries to pretend nothing is wrong. Which is kind of a difficult feat when your friends see through your smile like it was glass.
Ultimately, Chitose's not sure he wants Koganei to come back to camp, because he couldn't deal with him leaving again, if that would happen. But at the same time, he wants him back so badly, because he feels alone. Really alone, and he didn't want to go back to that. He might even take the offer if someone else catches interest in him. And it might turn out bad, depending on who that'd be. He's also keeping away from alcohol, because he's not sure if he'd do something really stupid or not if he turned to that. So at the moment, he's stubbornly fighting off any sort of ill-feeling, any depression coming up, and smiling as much as he can, because it's easier not to think of it if he's concentrating on inane things.
Sadly to say, it's not working very well, and I'm left with a slightly emotionally unstable weatherman on my hands.