(no subject)
im scared. its true. moving scares me, how much i like him scares me. what is the right thing? what is the right thing for me? there is a lot in my head, but i dont know how to get it out. i am suffering from a self esteem slump. i dont feel pretty even though he tells me all the time. i realize how unpretty i really feel sometimes. i feel pretty when he holds me, when he plays with my hair. we cuddled on the couch yesterday for a while. i loved it. i felt him breathing, i could hear his heartbeat. he wrapped his arms around me and just watched tv and it felt so natural, it felt like i was born to lay right in that spot. but then sometimes he pinches my bubble. i hate that. i feel disgusting when he touches my bubble. when the bubble is pointed out i want to just chop it off. i hate my bubble and makes me very self concious. he doesnt know that it bothers me so much. he made a joke the other day about me finishing the bread. i never felt fatter. there has been several comments at home too. i dont feel comfortable eating here anymore. i know im not contributing right now, but its getting so i feel like i cant do anything right. I know that ive been gone a lot and ive been very distracted, but idk. i think once i get working again ill feel better. i do this all the time. its a cycle. what is my worth? i want to get my nails done again, get a hair style. i need to get on some bc cause no matter how much i want kids, now would be a horrible time for me to do that. we both talked about wanting to wait till marriage to have kids. things would be bad for the kid if there were issues in the relationship. in like 2 hours im going to talk to the guy down at denny's and see if i have a job there. i hope so so badly, ill even hostess. waiting to join him out in texas kinda worries me, but kinda makes sense, a lot of sense. i want to be here for christmas, i cant stay with his friends and put them out of place, but then again i want to be with him through the holidays. that is important to me. he says he might be out of town for christmas working. that sucks. the worst part is that he has no idea what is going on. how can i have any idea if he doesnt? his lease is up in two weeks. two weeks. how the fuck does he not know where he is going to be living in two weeks. no plan? nothing? scares me. im a planner. i plan all the time. this is what i do. just my neurotic side coming out. worried about everything. thats just whats on my mind. a million things rushing around my head.