(no subject)
i cant sleep. i was so tired earlier, and i am feeling very tired now, but there is just too much going through my head at the moment. i have to dump it all somewhere and lj seemed perfect.
i have been thinking about brian a lot. it seems as though he is comming to visit. i dont know if i could handle that. it is so easy to stick with out of sight out of mind, and out of the country and this time zone has been working well for me. this however has lead to my problem. because i have never really dealt with this stuff i can never really let it be good. but how exactly do you deal with the heartbreak that is your first love? how do you get over things like that? when we had sex i wanted to cry, but usually held back because i didnt want him to think i was weird. i did let it out sometimes though. i just wanted to scream, 'brian i love you' again and again until it was out of my system and i could no longer speak, but i couldnt, and i didnt. i didnt cry because it hurt, or i was sad, or anything like that, but i wanted to cry because i loved him so much. the tears of love turned into tears of bitter sadness realizing that he didnt feel the same way. at one point i think he did, i really do. i think about that a lot. what was it that made him change his mind? what was it that made him realize that i wasnt worth it? ill never be able to get over my best friend sleeping with him knowing that he loved her, and the constant lying about these events that i am forced to do. it happened, nobody was forced to sleep w/ anyone, and i wasnt forced to say ok, but i did because i thought it would just be easier. i said i was fine with it in the way that every woman says she is fine with something that she knows she has no control over. I honestly believe most times that my opinions dont matter, so why even say anything? is that something in me that brian knew and exploited? im sure of it. seeing him again would be hard. i still love him, and ill never stop loving him. even if i know that he is weird and not right for me that will never change how i feel. to me he is my first love and that will never change. nobody can take that away from me, even if i wanted them to. i wonder sometimes if everything with him has messed me up, or was i destined to be like this? i wouldnt put my problems on him, but did he allow this part of myself out? i think maybe it was just a conduit. everytime i walk into wal-mart, everytime i get broadway, or listen to sexy music, or walk into a right side kitchen u-house layout, or walk past 1104 or drive through melbourne i think of him. its not like i want to get back with him, ive learned my lesson, but i feel sad, like ive lost something, like ive lost a part of my heart, a part of me, even a loss of innocense. i dont want to go back to being who i was before him. although i experience all the pain, agony and strife of a lost love i would never take that back. i would never want to have that part of me lost. my pain makes me stronger and more decided, my pain guides me like a sick tour guide, and my pain lets me become who i need to be. i dont know why i cant sleep and why brian is the main thought in my head through all of this. maybe my discussions w/ igor, maybe hanging out with chris. igor and i talked about love today. what love is, how you know, when you're ready and stuff like that. his view was interesting to say the least. and chris. i have been friends w/ him for about 8 months and i just met his gf for the first time tonight. i am his stand in. is he ashamed of her? why hadnt i met her before, and why does he need a stand in, and me as that stand in? brian was ashamed of me. nothing (with the exception of what my mom has done) has hurt me so much. ashamed of me. i didnt do anything. why didnt you tell your best friend that you were dating someone let alone let them talk? They didnt even know about me. What is so wrong with me that you cant tell your best friend about the person you love? i will never understand that, and i hope i never have to feel that ever again. i have felt enough of that. Melanie hates her parents because they spent too much time with her, controling her and stuff like that. All i ever wanted from my mom is recognition that i exist. I just want her to know that i was alive, that i cared and all i wanted was her love. She never had time for me, she never put me (us) as a priority. we were always ranked very low on things to give a fuck about. She forgot my birthday, she left me sitting alone at church during christmas, and she cant remember anything that is important to me, im doubtful that she could even remember where i live. Its the most painful thing in the world to care about somebody so much and do everything to make them proud of you and them not even think about caring. She calls and wants me to care, and i want to so bad, but i am afraid. if i try to give her my heart she is going to drop it again. my sister makes no attempts and i am just a person of convienience to her. this is how its always been. since i was little i have always looked up to her. as kids she ran away because i was "too small" as in young but picked on me at the same time for being "too big" as in fat, which is ok because as a kid you dont want to hang out with younger siblings. as we got older she was my only friend, and i loved her for hanging out with me, but i never realized that maybe i was her only friend and thats why she wanted to hang out with me. I would visit her when she moved to metro west, i would visit her when she moved to NY, and now that she is nearby she has yet to come see me. I am a friend of convienience. The thoughts she has of me on a regular basis im sure are nill besides me being on her forwarding list. When she moved down here she wanted to move in with me which i thought was great, but then she let it slip. She needed my credit. Thats why she wanted to move in with me, she needed my credit, or my dads. What a slap in the face. my mom brags about me, and with every accomplishment its going to be one more thing she can add to her list. She is proud of me. Well its about god damn time. And why isnt any of that pride FOR me aimed AT me? If brian ever cared about me, why didnt he tell me more, or show me, or stick around, or not fuck my best friend?
and whats up with this ari stuff? i love him, i do and no matter what other people say i dont think thats going to change, but is that enough? i want to talk to him and see him more and stuff like that and him being a flake or anything like that isnt good. i just cant take it. he says he loves me, but again i need him to show it. i needed brian to show it, i needed my mom to show it and i would like my sister to show it. i am tired of thinking that i am just a relationship of convienience. i have been putting that out there. things like this get me in a sad mood. i just get bogged down with this stuff.
RBF is a great comfort to me. i know it sounds silly to be so soothed by a fish, but i am. When i was a freshman in the dorms RBF 1st helped me. he just swam around being happy in the window and thats what this fish does. he is just so nice and floats around without a care in the world. he is so cute too when i feed him he freaks out and he looks at me if the light is on when he is sleepy. its cute. im glad i got him. i think he was the good luck charm for when i went job hunting.
this weekend should be interesting.
i have been thinking about brian a lot. it seems as though he is comming to visit. i dont know if i could handle that. it is so easy to stick with out of sight out of mind, and out of the country and this time zone has been working well for me. this however has lead to my problem. because i have never really dealt with this stuff i can never really let it be good. but how exactly do you deal with the heartbreak that is your first love? how do you get over things like that? when we had sex i wanted to cry, but usually held back because i didnt want him to think i was weird. i did let it out sometimes though. i just wanted to scream, 'brian i love you' again and again until it was out of my system and i could no longer speak, but i couldnt, and i didnt. i didnt cry because it hurt, or i was sad, or anything like that, but i wanted to cry because i loved him so much. the tears of love turned into tears of bitter sadness realizing that he didnt feel the same way. at one point i think he did, i really do. i think about that a lot. what was it that made him change his mind? what was it that made him realize that i wasnt worth it? ill never be able to get over my best friend sleeping with him knowing that he loved her, and the constant lying about these events that i am forced to do. it happened, nobody was forced to sleep w/ anyone, and i wasnt forced to say ok, but i did because i thought it would just be easier. i said i was fine with it in the way that every woman says she is fine with something that she knows she has no control over. I honestly believe most times that my opinions dont matter, so why even say anything? is that something in me that brian knew and exploited? im sure of it. seeing him again would be hard. i still love him, and ill never stop loving him. even if i know that he is weird and not right for me that will never change how i feel. to me he is my first love and that will never change. nobody can take that away from me, even if i wanted them to. i wonder sometimes if everything with him has messed me up, or was i destined to be like this? i wouldnt put my problems on him, but did he allow this part of myself out? i think maybe it was just a conduit. everytime i walk into wal-mart, everytime i get broadway, or listen to sexy music, or walk into a right side kitchen u-house layout, or walk past 1104 or drive through melbourne i think of him. its not like i want to get back with him, ive learned my lesson, but i feel sad, like ive lost something, like ive lost a part of my heart, a part of me, even a loss of innocense. i dont want to go back to being who i was before him. although i experience all the pain, agony and strife of a lost love i would never take that back. i would never want to have that part of me lost. my pain makes me stronger and more decided, my pain guides me like a sick tour guide, and my pain lets me become who i need to be. i dont know why i cant sleep and why brian is the main thought in my head through all of this. maybe my discussions w/ igor, maybe hanging out with chris. igor and i talked about love today. what love is, how you know, when you're ready and stuff like that. his view was interesting to say the least. and chris. i have been friends w/ him for about 8 months and i just met his gf for the first time tonight. i am his stand in. is he ashamed of her? why hadnt i met her before, and why does he need a stand in, and me as that stand in? brian was ashamed of me. nothing (with the exception of what my mom has done) has hurt me so much. ashamed of me. i didnt do anything. why didnt you tell your best friend that you were dating someone let alone let them talk? They didnt even know about me. What is so wrong with me that you cant tell your best friend about the person you love? i will never understand that, and i hope i never have to feel that ever again. i have felt enough of that. Melanie hates her parents because they spent too much time with her, controling her and stuff like that. All i ever wanted from my mom is recognition that i exist. I just want her to know that i was alive, that i cared and all i wanted was her love. She never had time for me, she never put me (us) as a priority. we were always ranked very low on things to give a fuck about. She forgot my birthday, she left me sitting alone at church during christmas, and she cant remember anything that is important to me, im doubtful that she could even remember where i live. Its the most painful thing in the world to care about somebody so much and do everything to make them proud of you and them not even think about caring. She calls and wants me to care, and i want to so bad, but i am afraid. if i try to give her my heart she is going to drop it again. my sister makes no attempts and i am just a person of convienience to her. this is how its always been. since i was little i have always looked up to her. as kids she ran away because i was "too small" as in young but picked on me at the same time for being "too big" as in fat, which is ok because as a kid you dont want to hang out with younger siblings. as we got older she was my only friend, and i loved her for hanging out with me, but i never realized that maybe i was her only friend and thats why she wanted to hang out with me. I would visit her when she moved to metro west, i would visit her when she moved to NY, and now that she is nearby she has yet to come see me. I am a friend of convienience. The thoughts she has of me on a regular basis im sure are nill besides me being on her forwarding list. When she moved down here she wanted to move in with me which i thought was great, but then she let it slip. She needed my credit. Thats why she wanted to move in with me, she needed my credit, or my dads. What a slap in the face. my mom brags about me, and with every accomplishment its going to be one more thing she can add to her list. She is proud of me. Well its about god damn time. And why isnt any of that pride FOR me aimed AT me? If brian ever cared about me, why didnt he tell me more, or show me, or stick around, or not fuck my best friend?
and whats up with this ari stuff? i love him, i do and no matter what other people say i dont think thats going to change, but is that enough? i want to talk to him and see him more and stuff like that and him being a flake or anything like that isnt good. i just cant take it. he says he loves me, but again i need him to show it. i needed brian to show it, i needed my mom to show it and i would like my sister to show it. i am tired of thinking that i am just a relationship of convienience. i have been putting that out there. things like this get me in a sad mood. i just get bogged down with this stuff.
RBF is a great comfort to me. i know it sounds silly to be so soothed by a fish, but i am. When i was a freshman in the dorms RBF 1st helped me. he just swam around being happy in the window and thats what this fish does. he is just so nice and floats around without a care in the world. he is so cute too when i feed him he freaks out and he looks at me if the light is on when he is sleepy. its cute. im glad i got him. i think he was the good luck charm for when i went job hunting.
this weekend should be interesting.