(no subject)
so ive been scared/upset about a lot of things lately. not upset mad or upset sad really, but just on my mind and kinda plagueing my every day thoughts. life is changing. and change is hard.
so i went to talk to my advisor because i was sure that my career here at ucf was pretty much fucked, but i find out that not am i not fucked in the least, but also set to graduate next spring - right on time. i was sure that was never going to happen, but turns out that i can totally do it. 4 classes spread out during the summer, 5 classes for each semester (fall and spring). thats not hard at all. the good thing is that i can graduate from ucf while living in ga. i only have to take 2 courses that ucf has laid out and the rest can be of my choosing. i will take psych classes of course, but i dont have to if i dont want to. the good thing about technology is that most every course that i want is offered online at some time or another. i may have to come back a couple times during the term, but i hoped to do that anyway. i can follow my heart and still graduate from ucf. out of state tuition and bright futures are no problem for me. after i get my bright futures back at the end of the term and my pell grant i wont have to get another loan. i can start saving for grad school. and IF, this is a big if, i go to grad school in ga i will have been there for a year and have established ga residency and wont have to pay out the ass. this big IF is my next problem. i have been thinking about it and in some of my classes they have a section on what you can do with your degree. the teachers always say that it is unglamorous, but i would really love to do it. it is industrial/organizational psychology and you go into a company and you help with job performance and moral and stop discrimination and set up social programs and the like. i would love love love to do that sort of thing. so i decided to ask about it. well i find out that they generally make good money. average of about 60k a year. not bad. not bad at all. and thats with the masters degree. here at ucf they have an award winning i/o dept that i found out about and its a 2 year masters or a 3 year phD. one more year? i could do that. so to think in 4 years from april i could be Dr. Laura Brooks. or Dr Laura whatever my married name will be if i am indeed married in 4 years time. its hard to think about, but hard not to really. both concepts. being a dr and being married, all before 25. is this possible? is this my life? it is if i want it to be. there is a great deal of fear there. life is different then. things change. and change is scary. there is no way that i could do my masters or phd online totally so that makes things look different. i would have to go somewhere that does offer it and by the research that i did yesterday nobody nor their brother offers this degree. atlanta is 100 miles away from where im going to be moving and they dont even offer i/o. the best i could do there is clinical. so that makes me want to go here. uf and fsu dont even offer it. and what if i cant get in? then i dont need to worry about making the decision to stay here or not. it will be easy. my 2nd choice is something with schools. guidance counselor and stuff like that. which columbus state university in columbus ga does offer. i could deal with that. i came to college wanting to be a guidance counselor so its not a huge let down by any means if i couldnt cut it in i/o psych, and couldnt get into the program. if i could however, i would be upset if i did not go. i think that would be a stupid choice to not give myself that opportunity. i wouldnt want to continue a long distance relationship, but i dont want to lose him either. so how do i ask him to move here instead of me going there? he has a house house and a real job and im asking him to give that up for my potential future. i dont know if he owns or rents the house though. that could be a major factor. if he just rents the house and does not have a mortgage than it would be easier. he works for clear channel and they are here in orlando too, and could possibly transfer. i checked out the website for the dept of labor for the stats on the job and all that made me happy, and then i looked at how much ppl in columbus usually make, and its not very much at all. average income is like 24,000 a year. thats not good. i dont want money to rule my life, but why not give myself the chance to make more? sigh. can i ask him to do this? i know i can ask, but i need to get more info first and just put it out there, he can only say no.
another spot of anxiety has been just from the move. im scared. its the unknown, its real and its something a grown up would do. i dont feel like an adult. i feel like a little girl still. i am generally very young in my self image, but this would show that i am not. what if he starts to hate me? what if i hate it there all except him? what if i have no friends, no family and nobody to cry to but him? melanie tells me that if i am afraid then i shouldnt do it, but what has ever been done without fear? the world is a scary place and there will be a day when i can no longer avoid fear, but have to march through it. i know that its nerves and such, and me over thinking everything cause thats what i do, but as much as i know i want to be with him i am afraid of the things that go along with that. i would rather say that i moved for love than stayed for fear. even if i didnt move my life would not be the same. rachel is moving, manda is starting a family, melanie is going to graduate next december and i am going to graduate next may. then what? grad school, real life, real jobs. this is not a decision for 'cock' as its been described as. not only cause im so not getting any right now, so the cock thing is out, but it is a choice for a possible future. marriage and a family is my eventual goal and staying with and working toward a guy that i really like is a step on that path. not saying that he is the one, but im not going to say that he isnt yet either. can i see myself with him as all that someday, yes, of course, otherwise i wouldnt be moving in with him, but i dont want all of that yet. we have talked about how we want to take our time with those things. i could even see me marrying him in the next year or so possibly, but totally not having kids for another few years.
everything that is facing me right now is just one giant blob of everything that i thought that i would be so ready to handle when it finally got here. i have always thought about all of this stuff, my entire life has been dedicated to my future. it has always been my future. this big huge thing with such high expectations way way way way off in the future. what happens when the future is now? its hard to think of that person that i have always thought of being, with all the knowledge i hoped to have learned being the person that i am today. i will still be me. i will look like me, i will think like me, but will i ever be able to be 'her'. the goals and expectations that the childhood self put on the self that i am soon to be are very high. are the things that i am now doing going to get me there? will my child self look at the adult self and see someone that she admires or am i going to be a let down to her? will i be wearing power suits and a huge smile all the time, or will i be a tshirt and jean wearing unimpressive person? will i have the man of my dreams or another heartbreak under my belt? my whole life has been striving for the future, working toward something, but what happens when your future is now? what do you work for? where do you go from here? im not saying that my challenges are over, because they are far from over, but the thought of comming to a point in my life where i no longer have these huge goals over my head is dawnting.
id like to see someone about relieving my anxieties, or doing something about them. i know where they come from, i know why i am so scared. i have self analyzed all these things, now i just need to know what im going to do about it. study for the gre and see where i get in before i start to freak out about it. get in good with professors a little so i can get letters of recommendation. ask joey how he feels about following me while i persue my higher education, and start thinking of goals for when college is over and the man has been won. easier said than done i know. im going home right now to start planning out which 14 classes im going to take. read about them in my catalog and really decide what the rest of my undergrad is going to be like.
i love ranting in my livejournal. its very soothing.
so i went to talk to my advisor because i was sure that my career here at ucf was pretty much fucked, but i find out that not am i not fucked in the least, but also set to graduate next spring - right on time. i was sure that was never going to happen, but turns out that i can totally do it. 4 classes spread out during the summer, 5 classes for each semester (fall and spring). thats not hard at all. the good thing is that i can graduate from ucf while living in ga. i only have to take 2 courses that ucf has laid out and the rest can be of my choosing. i will take psych classes of course, but i dont have to if i dont want to. the good thing about technology is that most every course that i want is offered online at some time or another. i may have to come back a couple times during the term, but i hoped to do that anyway. i can follow my heart and still graduate from ucf. out of state tuition and bright futures are no problem for me. after i get my bright futures back at the end of the term and my pell grant i wont have to get another loan. i can start saving for grad school. and IF, this is a big if, i go to grad school in ga i will have been there for a year and have established ga residency and wont have to pay out the ass. this big IF is my next problem. i have been thinking about it and in some of my classes they have a section on what you can do with your degree. the teachers always say that it is unglamorous, but i would really love to do it. it is industrial/organizational psychology and you go into a company and you help with job performance and moral and stop discrimination and set up social programs and the like. i would love love love to do that sort of thing. so i decided to ask about it. well i find out that they generally make good money. average of about 60k a year. not bad. not bad at all. and thats with the masters degree. here at ucf they have an award winning i/o dept that i found out about and its a 2 year masters or a 3 year phD. one more year? i could do that. so to think in 4 years from april i could be Dr. Laura Brooks. or Dr Laura whatever my married name will be if i am indeed married in 4 years time. its hard to think about, but hard not to really. both concepts. being a dr and being married, all before 25. is this possible? is this my life? it is if i want it to be. there is a great deal of fear there. life is different then. things change. and change is scary. there is no way that i could do my masters or phd online totally so that makes things look different. i would have to go somewhere that does offer it and by the research that i did yesterday nobody nor their brother offers this degree. atlanta is 100 miles away from where im going to be moving and they dont even offer i/o. the best i could do there is clinical. so that makes me want to go here. uf and fsu dont even offer it. and what if i cant get in? then i dont need to worry about making the decision to stay here or not. it will be easy. my 2nd choice is something with schools. guidance counselor and stuff like that. which columbus state university in columbus ga does offer. i could deal with that. i came to college wanting to be a guidance counselor so its not a huge let down by any means if i couldnt cut it in i/o psych, and couldnt get into the program. if i could however, i would be upset if i did not go. i think that would be a stupid choice to not give myself that opportunity. i wouldnt want to continue a long distance relationship, but i dont want to lose him either. so how do i ask him to move here instead of me going there? he has a house house and a real job and im asking him to give that up for my potential future. i dont know if he owns or rents the house though. that could be a major factor. if he just rents the house and does not have a mortgage than it would be easier. he works for clear channel and they are here in orlando too, and could possibly transfer. i checked out the website for the dept of labor for the stats on the job and all that made me happy, and then i looked at how much ppl in columbus usually make, and its not very much at all. average income is like 24,000 a year. thats not good. i dont want money to rule my life, but why not give myself the chance to make more? sigh. can i ask him to do this? i know i can ask, but i need to get more info first and just put it out there, he can only say no.
another spot of anxiety has been just from the move. im scared. its the unknown, its real and its something a grown up would do. i dont feel like an adult. i feel like a little girl still. i am generally very young in my self image, but this would show that i am not. what if he starts to hate me? what if i hate it there all except him? what if i have no friends, no family and nobody to cry to but him? melanie tells me that if i am afraid then i shouldnt do it, but what has ever been done without fear? the world is a scary place and there will be a day when i can no longer avoid fear, but have to march through it. i know that its nerves and such, and me over thinking everything cause thats what i do, but as much as i know i want to be with him i am afraid of the things that go along with that. i would rather say that i moved for love than stayed for fear. even if i didnt move my life would not be the same. rachel is moving, manda is starting a family, melanie is going to graduate next december and i am going to graduate next may. then what? grad school, real life, real jobs. this is not a decision for 'cock' as its been described as. not only cause im so not getting any right now, so the cock thing is out, but it is a choice for a possible future. marriage and a family is my eventual goal and staying with and working toward a guy that i really like is a step on that path. not saying that he is the one, but im not going to say that he isnt yet either. can i see myself with him as all that someday, yes, of course, otherwise i wouldnt be moving in with him, but i dont want all of that yet. we have talked about how we want to take our time with those things. i could even see me marrying him in the next year or so possibly, but totally not having kids for another few years.
everything that is facing me right now is just one giant blob of everything that i thought that i would be so ready to handle when it finally got here. i have always thought about all of this stuff, my entire life has been dedicated to my future. it has always been my future. this big huge thing with such high expectations way way way way off in the future. what happens when the future is now? its hard to think of that person that i have always thought of being, with all the knowledge i hoped to have learned being the person that i am today. i will still be me. i will look like me, i will think like me, but will i ever be able to be 'her'. the goals and expectations that the childhood self put on the self that i am soon to be are very high. are the things that i am now doing going to get me there? will my child self look at the adult self and see someone that she admires or am i going to be a let down to her? will i be wearing power suits and a huge smile all the time, or will i be a tshirt and jean wearing unimpressive person? will i have the man of my dreams or another heartbreak under my belt? my whole life has been striving for the future, working toward something, but what happens when your future is now? what do you work for? where do you go from here? im not saying that my challenges are over, because they are far from over, but the thought of comming to a point in my life where i no longer have these huge goals over my head is dawnting.
id like to see someone about relieving my anxieties, or doing something about them. i know where they come from, i know why i am so scared. i have self analyzed all these things, now i just need to know what im going to do about it. study for the gre and see where i get in before i start to freak out about it. get in good with professors a little so i can get letters of recommendation. ask joey how he feels about following me while i persue my higher education, and start thinking of goals for when college is over and the man has been won. easier said than done i know. im going home right now to start planning out which 14 classes im going to take. read about them in my catalog and really decide what the rest of my undergrad is going to be like.
i love ranting in my livejournal. its very soothing.