This world is fucked.
This weekend I had the best and worst weekend.
The best because all I did was party. Yes, you are right, that is my form of escapism.
The worst because on Friday night two guys that I regularly serve at the arena were talking to me like they wanted to get with me. One is married and has two (or maybe three?) kids and a wife, all of which I have seen before at the games. The other guy has a girlfriend who I have also seen at the game. One guy was trying to get my number, and he said to me "How long is going to take for me to get with you?". The other asked me, "What would your boyfriend think?" Lucky for me, I have no fucking boyfriend anymore. In return I asked him "What would your girlfriend think?" And he said "She wouldn't be happy." Neither of them got my number. On Saturday night my friend, who is the husband of one of my closest girlfriends, was basically telling me that he wanted to fuck me and that "there is something about [you]". Like FML when did I become a whore that all these taken guys want to get with? I am not okay with that. It's bad enough that Derek is now using me when he pleases, but the fact that THREE other fucking guys wanted the same thing. It makes me want to vomit.
I am losing respect for human kind as every single day goes by. People are fucked up. Everyone is evil. I am evil too. I just flirt with those dumb guys so that I get their money at the arena. I flirt, serve them drinks, they give me money. Easy. However I may as well be a fucking prostitute, because really that is all guys want from me anyways. It would be great to be able to get guys to pay me to have sex with them, then I could use them maximally as well. And then no one would need to lie anymore - no one would have to pretend that they have feelings. Because I can have empty fucking useless disrespectful sex. Q said that girls could never do that, however I can, and I have on several occasions. However if you are going to do that, you may as well be paying someone for it, so that it is understood what is going on.
I've began going to therapy, I've only had one session, but I guess it's a start. I need to go back to being happy. I was most happy in my life during the times when I was also the most naive. I fucking hate life. There is no point to it. People use people. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and think that people are good people but I think that deep down, everyone is pretty bad. I can't deal with life anymore. It's useless.
I finally understand why I drink so much. To numb the pain and try to make the world look a little better. Fortunately I know understand that. I haven't blacked out in 3 months. That is amazing. I was blacking out one to two times a week for the past year or two, maybe longer or shorter, who knows. But that's still huge, three months. However that is the best thing that I have going for myself, but I have nothing else to show for my shit life.
The best because all I did was party. Yes, you are right, that is my form of escapism.
The worst because on Friday night two guys that I regularly serve at the arena were talking to me like they wanted to get with me. One is married and has two (or maybe three?) kids and a wife, all of which I have seen before at the games. The other guy has a girlfriend who I have also seen at the game. One guy was trying to get my number, and he said to me "How long is going to take for me to get with you?". The other asked me, "What would your boyfriend think?" Lucky for me, I have no fucking boyfriend anymore. In return I asked him "What would your girlfriend think?" And he said "She wouldn't be happy." Neither of them got my number. On Saturday night my friend, who is the husband of one of my closest girlfriends, was basically telling me that he wanted to fuck me and that "there is something about [you]". Like FML when did I become a whore that all these taken guys want to get with? I am not okay with that. It's bad enough that Derek is now using me when he pleases, but the fact that THREE other fucking guys wanted the same thing. It makes me want to vomit.
I am losing respect for human kind as every single day goes by. People are fucked up. Everyone is evil. I am evil too. I just flirt with those dumb guys so that I get their money at the arena. I flirt, serve them drinks, they give me money. Easy. However I may as well be a fucking prostitute, because really that is all guys want from me anyways. It would be great to be able to get guys to pay me to have sex with them, then I could use them maximally as well. And then no one would need to lie anymore - no one would have to pretend that they have feelings. Because I can have empty fucking useless disrespectful sex. Q said that girls could never do that, however I can, and I have on several occasions. However if you are going to do that, you may as well be paying someone for it, so that it is understood what is going on.
I've began going to therapy, I've only had one session, but I guess it's a start. I need to go back to being happy. I was most happy in my life during the times when I was also the most naive. I fucking hate life. There is no point to it. People use people. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and think that people are good people but I think that deep down, everyone is pretty bad. I can't deal with life anymore. It's useless.
I finally understand why I drink so much. To numb the pain and try to make the world look a little better. Fortunately I know understand that. I haven't blacked out in 3 months. That is amazing. I was blacking out one to two times a week for the past year or two, maybe longer or shorter, who knows. But that's still huge, three months. However that is the best thing that I have going for myself, but I have nothing else to show for my shit life.