(no subject)
I've reached a point in my life where I definitely feel the need to change. People who know me, would respond "You've changed so much!" Well, there's more that needs to be changed.
I guess when I'm put in situations, I feel tested and that situation that seems to be troubling me, ends up posing questions for change. And here I am, realizing that I need to change.
I am overwhelmed with stress. I didn't know how horribly I was being affected until last night. I mean, I've noticed little things like feeling sick & tired, not eating as much, and just feeling sad.
Last night, I got into such a ridiculous argument with Jared, a boy who really means alot to me in every way. It started as just a conversation, we disagreed, and both overreacted. I'm not going to go into details of the argument, but it was extremely unnecissary. Then, it just ended. He said some pretty hurtful things, and boy did I feel terrible. He made me feel so little, that I was speechless. Realizing what he had said, the both of us were completely quiet for a couple of minutes, letting it sink in. It hit us both pretty hard. We were mad at eachother, and mad at ourselves. There was no reason for it. Niether of us want to argue, we don't like it. I'm pretty sure at this time, we were both in shock of our actions and what we were doing. I was beating myself up. Then, I spoke up, and told him everything I was feeling and thinking. He was quiet the whole time, and I continued. It was probably 4-5 minutes of just me talking and crying. We came up with the reason for all of it. Stress. We both have insanely high stress, that niether of us can handle it properly. We get so stressed, that at any minute, we explode. And ironically, it happened at the same time for both of us.
He's leaving, going the Florida, in 20 days! I'm scared, HE'S SCARED. I can't imagine how nervous and everything he is. He's upset that he's leaving everything here, he doesn't want to. We get so upset and stressed thinking about his departure and being apart from eachother, we have stopped enjoying the time we have until then. It was a tough thing to realize, it was hard for the both of us.
Our resolution; take it easy. He suggested that we just really enjoy the next 20 days together, and try our hardest not to worry. If we can make it okay, we'll be fine. And I believe that. It's just scary.
So, the next 20 days, are going to be a challenge, but I've got hope.
I want this to work so bad, and I'm willing to do anything for it. I'm committed to investing in this relationship, as my heart is his, and his only. Whether we're boyfriend&girlfriend or not, I love him, and that's what means the most.
Another thing I need to work on, is meeting new people. I need to meet some people that I can have real solid friendships with. People that I know I will be able to rely on. It's not alot to ask at all, it's all in finding the right people and trying to keep that. I don't know what I am going to do when Jared is gone, because right now, he's one of the few people that I have. So without him, sometimes I feel like I have no one really, no real friends. It's sad, but I'd rather have no friends, than crappy "Friends".
I've got alot to do.
And right now, I'm skipping lunch. And Jared will kill me if I don't eat.
Even though I don't want to.