i'm putting out the lantern find your own way back home
Sick sick sick sick of dealing with my mom. And I've decided that finally, after nearly three years of alcoholic hell from her, that I'm going to stop talking to her. Over the past years she has wrecked holidays with her belligerent behavior, wrecked two houses and two more apartments (one of which, is suing my step-dad (Vic) for $3000 worth of damages.). She has been in jail for three DUIs, one assault charge on me, and then the rest for public intoxication. Her jeep has been towed countless times. Wile drunk, she has ran around the house/ streets naked, screaming until she is blue/purple in the face. When she does it, it's almost like she's possessed or something. It's some seriously freaky shit. She has also lied about drinking, then blamed her bruises and cuts on Vic, even though he does nothing. She has destroyed his life: he has lawsuits against him, nearly lost his truck because he can barely pay payments on, due to the fact that he has spent most of his money dealing with her and the things she has done.
My mom is just...I don't even know. We have tried sending her back to live with her mother (my nana) out in the Tyler area, where it is hard to get ahold of any alcohol. But somehow she always finds her way back, bc she manipulates people, and promises that she will change. She is currently still married to my step-dad, sleeps with her boyfriend, Dale, and is now trying to marry a man out in Tyler, or something. Fuck. I don't know.
She's just caused everyone so much grief & trust me it is not worth it. She has beaten me up before, when I stayed with her the summer before last, trying to help her. She hit me on the head with the lamp, then choked me until I literally thought I was going to lose my fucking life. I have rubbed her head to sleep when she has been drinking so that she would finally go to sleep. I have also witnessed her foaming at the mouth & chasing me around the house. I once locked myself in the bathroom and she kicked down the door, and tried to grab me. She's almost nearly drowned in the bathtub. This is just too much.
& I feel bad saying these things, okay? But everything I'm saying is true.
& I just cannot do this anymore. Not even if I wanted too. I love my mom. So freaking much. I have spent countless nights, crying and being miserable about her situation, worrying about where she was. Being scared about her dying.
But then this weekend I really needed her help with something fairly simple, & she let me down. And she kicked out the window of their new apartment. Then today she calls me, saying that Vic beat her up. She let me down AND lied to me, once again. I will not stand for it any longer. Her chances with me are up, I am checking out. And I feel terrible about it. She's still my mom. I'm still apart of her. But she never...helps me. & I don't want to remember her this way. The kicking, the screaming, the drinking. I just can't believe this is my life sometimes.
Just been thinking a lot about letting people go lately. No one seems worth keeping around sometimes. I have never been this bitter.
My mom is just...I don't even know. We have tried sending her back to live with her mother (my nana) out in the Tyler area, where it is hard to get ahold of any alcohol. But somehow she always finds her way back, bc she manipulates people, and promises that she will change. She is currently still married to my step-dad, sleeps with her boyfriend, Dale, and is now trying to marry a man out in Tyler, or something. Fuck. I don't know.
She's just caused everyone so much grief & trust me it is not worth it. She has beaten me up before, when I stayed with her the summer before last, trying to help her. She hit me on the head with the lamp, then choked me until I literally thought I was going to lose my fucking life. I have rubbed her head to sleep when she has been drinking so that she would finally go to sleep. I have also witnessed her foaming at the mouth & chasing me around the house. I once locked myself in the bathroom and she kicked down the door, and tried to grab me. She's almost nearly drowned in the bathtub. This is just too much.
& I feel bad saying these things, okay? But everything I'm saying is true.
& I just cannot do this anymore. Not even if I wanted too. I love my mom. So freaking much. I have spent countless nights, crying and being miserable about her situation, worrying about where she was. Being scared about her dying.
But then this weekend I really needed her help with something fairly simple, & she let me down. And she kicked out the window of their new apartment. Then today she calls me, saying that Vic beat her up. She let me down AND lied to me, once again. I will not stand for it any longer. Her chances with me are up, I am checking out. And I feel terrible about it. She's still my mom. I'm still apart of her. But she never...helps me. & I don't want to remember her this way. The kicking, the screaming, the drinking. I just can't believe this is my life sometimes.
Just been thinking a lot about letting people go lately. No one seems worth keeping around sometimes. I have never been this bitter.