I don't know no-one there yet, but just wait, see what you get
Today is one of those days that stretched on forever. Certain lessons will never cease to be frustrating to learn.
I faked sick today to everyone so that I could be left alone. I hid under my covers and slept. And when I couldn't sleep, I would think, and me and thinking just doesn't mix, especially around November. I just feel so blah about things. I feel un-needed. I feel worthless. I feel bitter about things I do have, and ungrateful for the things that I do. I feel powerless because, there's this person that I want to be, but I can't be that person until I get rid of a certain element. And, it's not easy to get rid of this element, you see. It would take time, patience, and hard work. So I guess that's what's hard for me to handle, because I like to do everything the easy way, and I like things to happen at my own pace.
On top of all of this, lately I have been regretting things I do not say to people. My sophomore year, a boy named Michael who loved me (i did not return that love) often gave me little presents: a light up pen, flowers he picked outside, and everyday when I bought my soda during lunchtime he would drink some of it & share his slushie with me. And when I drank all of the juice out of it, he never said a word. We did class projects with Mason with the weird eyes and Ariana from Peru, and he always made it fun & made us laugh. He told me my hair looked great, even when it had not seen a blow dryer for days, just because he knew how I felt about my hair. We put cinnamon gum wrappers on our foreheads, and then have a contest to see who could last the longest, since it burned so much. He would then run his hand over the spot where it was on my face. And it was gentle. It was love at its simplest.
But I did not appreciate him. I was too busy chasing after another boy who would never love me, because he cared too much about what his friend's thought. I gave him the flashlight pen that Michael gave me, then lied about its whereabouts. Sometimes I would forget to buy a soda at lunchtime because I was too busy downstairs at the cafeteria, spying on the other boy, giving him dirty love letters drawn with marker, hoping he'd notice me.
I wonder if no one ever realizes when they have something good, only to realize it later. I still regret random stuff like this & sad that I can't go back, scoop someone up & tell them how much I love them, how much I appreciate them. To say more to them, to do more for them. The guy I lost my virginity to: I wish I would have asked him a couple questions. What is favorite color was, what was high school like for him, what he thought about his life so far. I don't regret being with him, it was amazing. Just kicking myself a little bit for not asking him a few things, for being so caught up in the moment.
But at the end of the day, I am so so lucky to even have moments to get caught up in.
I faked sick today to everyone so that I could be left alone. I hid under my covers and slept. And when I couldn't sleep, I would think, and me and thinking just doesn't mix, especially around November. I just feel so blah about things. I feel un-needed. I feel worthless. I feel bitter about things I do have, and ungrateful for the things that I do. I feel powerless because, there's this person that I want to be, but I can't be that person until I get rid of a certain element. And, it's not easy to get rid of this element, you see. It would take time, patience, and hard work. So I guess that's what's hard for me to handle, because I like to do everything the easy way, and I like things to happen at my own pace.
On top of all of this, lately I have been regretting things I do not say to people. My sophomore year, a boy named Michael who loved me (i did not return that love) often gave me little presents: a light up pen, flowers he picked outside, and everyday when I bought my soda during lunchtime he would drink some of it & share his slushie with me. And when I drank all of the juice out of it, he never said a word. We did class projects with Mason with the weird eyes and Ariana from Peru, and he always made it fun & made us laugh. He told me my hair looked great, even when it had not seen a blow dryer for days, just because he knew how I felt about my hair. We put cinnamon gum wrappers on our foreheads, and then have a contest to see who could last the longest, since it burned so much. He would then run his hand over the spot where it was on my face. And it was gentle. It was love at its simplest.
But I did not appreciate him. I was too busy chasing after another boy who would never love me, because he cared too much about what his friend's thought. I gave him the flashlight pen that Michael gave me, then lied about its whereabouts. Sometimes I would forget to buy a soda at lunchtime because I was too busy downstairs at the cafeteria, spying on the other boy, giving him dirty love letters drawn with marker, hoping he'd notice me.
I wonder if no one ever realizes when they have something good, only to realize it later. I still regret random stuff like this & sad that I can't go back, scoop someone up & tell them how much I love them, how much I appreciate them. To say more to them, to do more for them. The guy I lost my virginity to: I wish I would have asked him a couple questions. What is favorite color was, what was high school like for him, what he thought about his life so far. I don't regret being with him, it was amazing. Just kicking myself a little bit for not asking him a few things, for being so caught up in the moment.
But at the end of the day, I am so so lucky to even have moments to get caught up in.