Fade to Black

[wcuchica08]

So for some reason today I hit some kind of low point. I guess just being home does that for me. My mind was going crazy on sunday, well, it usually does, but I went to Catholic Mass with Faye, and I cried. Not out of guilt for not believing what they believe, but out of pain and confusion. I couldn't understand why I don't understand religion and faith and all of the above. I was having a terrible time deciding what I felt. I talked with my parents on my way home, but I'm not sure it entirely helped. My dad helped some, my mom just kind of decided for me...with the whole "...one day you'll drop to your knees in desperation and pray and ask jesus to come into your heart..." i felt slightly offended by her saying that to me. it was like she was telling me what I was going to do because everyone does and it bothered me. i was somewhat angry at her for saying that, but I know she didn't mean any harm. it's just really hard for me to surrender to whatever i choose to believe is the cause of our creation. i took an astronomy class this past semester, and I think it might have confused me more. it made too much sense and the professor never made anyone choose religion over science or vice versa, he said make your own decision. but giving me more scientific reason didn't help me. i thought it might. so i'm completely confused on all and anything religion-based. a part of me wants to try to find some sort of religion, but another part of me says look at the science and everything else you believe. And then if I do choose some religious journey, what religion? Christianity? I suppose, but I can take things from all faiths and apply them to my life, so where does that leave me? not in church on sunday mornings, not in some other form of group praise. i see religion as therapy, and i guess the profession i have chose can confirm that for me. church is a place people go to talk about what they believe, and i guess i don't feel like i need to do that or that there isn't some venue for me to. they don't question it. my mind is too quizzical for that i guess. believing blindly? ignorance is bliss? not sure, another thing that bothers me is that people claim to have these beliefs and "commandments" but they don't follow them and when they break them, they go to church and as for forgiveness, but then they do it again. and i realize we're all human, but i don't know, when i feel like i believe in something enough, i follow it. now all of you can say something to me about smoking or whatever and how i used to not and how much i used to hate it, but i guess the answer for that is don't knock it til you try it, and i'm in the process of quitting anyways. and i'm not knocking anyone's religion, it's just that i don't understand it. if you do, good, you have convictions and decide how to live you're own life, i just can't do it that way, i can't live trying to follow something i'll always question or doubt. i believe myself to be a decent human being, i don't do anything to harm anyone else or live in a way that negatively affects others. and i shouldn't be looked down on for not believing what others believe. i felt so out of place on sunday. the catholics have all these rituals and recitations, which is cool, for them, but i'm just sitting there listening and it is interesting, it's just hard to be in a place where you don't feel like you can connect with anyone. which is how i feel most of the time anyways, so i guess that's why i cried. but also, mass is depressing, everyone cries, and it's like, i don't have anything to cry that bad about and then i feel bad. i mean there are some things in my life, with my family and with other things i could cry about, but i feel selfish to cry about whatever it is that's bothering me when i know there's so much worse out there. i'm plagued by all of this...i can't seem to figure out why and that drives me crazy. in the search for peace and understanding within myself and the life around me, religion is the biggest obstacle i face. well, that and the fact that i might be alone forever, which when i say alone, i don't necessarily mean without people, i just mean inside, the inability to truly connect with someone, to be on the same level, to have complete understanding of another person. everytime i think i might have found it, i find myself continually disappointed with the situation. every situation has been painful in some way. and every new situation brings about some new kind of pain. it's ridiculous to have to continually feel this way, i hate it, but if i find myself not searching for a new situation, i feel like i'm missing out on something that could be wonderful and if i am searching, i feel like i'm searching too hard for something that is already hard enough to find or that i don't deserve what i could potentially really want. so again, where does that leave me? with a head full of complicated, complex and consuming thoughts and no one who completely understands me, thus alone, that one word that we repeat to ourselves all the time, the word that has personified to a life companion, oh the irony, my companion, alone. i can't help that i feel the way i do and i can't help that i think the way i do, it's just me. i fear that there is no solution. maybe i'm just too much for people to deal with or handle. i'm not what you call average, and well, to call myself extraordinary seems too special i guess.

so, sorry that's that long, i'm sure a bunch of you wont read it, which actually is entirely the point, i wrote it for my own stress and peril. sorry for the novel.