Seems like everywhere i go the more I see the less I know
I leave on Tuesday. I know a lot of this Summer I felt directionless, stagnant and wanted things to begin. But, I feel like I needed this Summer. I needed a Summer home to realize that what I have back here isn't any less -- anything. It's going to be here. Yes, I need new surroundings, new frontiers. I want to write for television. I need to not be living in the same apartment with my mother and Bob. But, for the Summer, it worked. I know I know nothing. It's simple and repetitive but it's true. I don't really know anything. Last year at Frostburg really was a good, exciting time for me. I used to think this Summer was a step back.
Like, I know why the Summer months between semesters or life choices are never touched upon in T.V. save for Gilmore Girls doing it well. It's because, life does give pause when you have no ties to anything and you're going to be making a step in your life to - move forward.
I just had to get to that step.
And I am rocketing towards it.
I didn't mention, because of someone's nefarious distracting technique, that I got a teaching assistantship. I'm going to be TA and I'm going to be paid for it. From this, my mother has concluded that I don't need a part time job. That, that will be my part time job. I don't honestly know yet. But, what I do know is I'll be away from her constant opinions and ideas and I will be making my own decisions. I miss it. It's not that I've been pandering to her at all. It's just -- I do act different around her at times. My family in general, actually.
I'm not completely comfortable in my skin. Or, I am when I'm not around...home. I don't understand it myself and I might be describing the idea wrong. But, it's kind of the conclusion I've come to. My mom judges my karaoke choices, I hate intolerance and ignorance (not her, God no, she's open) but around here and at the local bar there is just -- judgment. Karaoke is not for judgment. It is for fun. No going into details here, it's just -- friends I've made are awesome but people outside -- you can never tell what they're thinking and I am so tired of going to an establishment and having people assume I'm with the woman with me. No, I am not super gay but fuck, I would love to look gay-er without my mother pointing it out. And she hasn't in some time -- because I've curbed.
I ... just can't wait.
And mom constantly brings up that I'll be back in December. I am so not thinking about it like that. I'm not. This is the first step in getting my own life, discovering myself, and not being behind at life. I'll have a car out there, thank God, and thank God I started driving again. I'd go crazy, I swear.
Don't get me wrong. I adore my family, my mother, grandparents, etc. But, I am at peace with not seeing them for months at a time. Calls and E-mails are the fad, now, right? Kidding.
But, really, I am scared. Ecstatic. Nervous. Anxious. All of the above. But, I feel like this is just the right step for me. I need it. I need the new surroundings, more open people, my family not on the same coast as me.
I need a life. My own life. I need to cultivate an existence.
Like, I know why the Summer months between semesters or life choices are never touched upon in T.V. save for Gilmore Girls doing it well. It's because, life does give pause when you have no ties to anything and you're going to be making a step in your life to - move forward.
I just had to get to that step.
And I am rocketing towards it.
I didn't mention, because of someone's nefarious distracting technique, that I got a teaching assistantship. I'm going to be TA and I'm going to be paid for it. From this, my mother has concluded that I don't need a part time job. That, that will be my part time job. I don't honestly know yet. But, what I do know is I'll be away from her constant opinions and ideas and I will be making my own decisions. I miss it. It's not that I've been pandering to her at all. It's just -- I do act different around her at times. My family in general, actually.
I'm not completely comfortable in my skin. Or, I am when I'm not around...home. I don't understand it myself and I might be describing the idea wrong. But, it's kind of the conclusion I've come to. My mom judges my karaoke choices, I hate intolerance and ignorance (not her, God no, she's open) but around here and at the local bar there is just -- judgment. Karaoke is not for judgment. It is for fun. No going into details here, it's just -- friends I've made are awesome but people outside -- you can never tell what they're thinking and I am so tired of going to an establishment and having people assume I'm with the woman with me. No, I am not super gay but fuck, I would love to look gay-er without my mother pointing it out. And she hasn't in some time -- because I've curbed.
I ... just can't wait.
And mom constantly brings up that I'll be back in December. I am so not thinking about it like that. I'm not. This is the first step in getting my own life, discovering myself, and not being behind at life. I'll have a car out there, thank God, and thank God I started driving again. I'd go crazy, I swear.
Don't get me wrong. I adore my family, my mother, grandparents, etc. But, I am at peace with not seeing them for months at a time. Calls and E-mails are the fad, now, right? Kidding.
But, really, I am scared. Ecstatic. Nervous. Anxious. All of the above. But, I feel like this is just the right step for me. I need it. I need the new surroundings, more open people, my family not on the same coast as me.
I need a life. My own life. I need to cultivate an existence.