rage and inevitable failure
Today I slept almost all day because I didn't feel like doing anything. Starting Friday I'll work eight days in a row because the workload optimizing software likes doing shit like that. I didn't like working regular five days-weekend-five days schedules either, though, OR regular three shift rotation, so actually the issue is that I don't like working.
Therapy is kind of awkward, meanwhile. I have trouble expressing myself - unsurprisingly - and even more trouble defining what my goals are beyond 'uh, to feel better or whatever'. I'm really resistant to even trying the exercises the therapist suggests (mindfulness and breathing and whatnot) and when I do I feel like I do them wrong (if you think you're doing them wrong you're doing them wrong, since the idea is to not judge yourself wrt right or wrong, etc etc, it's a fucking tightrope.)
Even just writing this stupid blog post is like pulling teeth. I've written and deleted shit over and over. It's not easier to write locked posts or on paper either. And it's still about nothing!
So that's how that shit is going.
The Pens keep losing, probably to add some excitement for the rest of the regular season. Or to prepare us for the inevitable postseason horror show. All I want to see is Crosby and Perron celebrating hella goals all the time. ALL THE TIME.
And for the Pens to fucking beat the Flyers like the fucking better team they are just once, Jesus fuck.
Therapy is kind of awkward, meanwhile. I have trouble expressing myself - unsurprisingly - and even more trouble defining what my goals are beyond 'uh, to feel better or whatever'. I'm really resistant to even trying the exercises the therapist suggests (mindfulness and breathing and whatnot) and when I do I feel like I do them wrong (if you think you're doing them wrong you're doing them wrong, since the idea is to not judge yourself wrt right or wrong, etc etc, it's a fucking tightrope.)
Even just writing this stupid blog post is like pulling teeth. I've written and deleted shit over and over. It's not easier to write locked posts or on paper either. And it's still about nothing!
So that's how that shit is going.
The Pens keep losing, probably to add some excitement for the rest of the regular season. Or to prepare us for the inevitable postseason horror show. All I want to see is Crosby and Perron celebrating hella goals all the time. ALL THE TIME.
And for the Pens to fucking beat the Flyers like the fucking better team they are just once, Jesus fuck.