Friendship
The day before I went back to SDSU, I had to dig some old files off of my old PC before my parents got rid of it. I was amazed at the number of IM conversations I saved, for one thing. As I began to read through them, trying to decide which ones were worth keeping and which ones I no longer needed, I was struck by the fact that I rarely have those kind of in depth one-on-one conversations anymore. I mean, I have them with Sam all the time, but I rarely have them on a regular basis with anyone else. And it's kind of depressing.
I feel a little bit like I'm drifting in the way of friendship. Sure, I have 73 friends on Facebook, but how many of them would I actually hang out with one-on-one? The number is surprisingly low, and this distresses me.
I remember in middle school, I had a close group of friends, and we were mostly all girls, but besides the point. I had a great time at lunch with this group of friends, or when we all went to each other's birthday parties and the like. But the thing is, most of these friends I was very close with, close enough that we would hang out one-on-one. I would have sleepovers or go to their house when it was just them and me, and we had good times. Then high school came, and half of my group of friends went to Foothill while the other half went to Amador. The first year, we had a reunion over the week of finals. We went to each others' birthday parties, even though we were now going to different schools. It was just like old times.
But slowly, things started to fade. We drifted farther and farther apart, until I don't speak to many of them anymore. Not because they aren't nice people, but because it seems like we don't have much common ground to talk about anymore. I've seen some of them around town, and we've smiled and exchanged words when we see each other, but after a few minutes the conversation dies. One of these friends, a very nice girl but one which I don't have much in common with any longer, is my friend on Facebook; she got my screen name and started IMing me. We would talk about school for several minutes, but then the conversation died. The next day, or the next week, she would IM me again; the process would repeat. Eventually, I blocked her, because I was tired of the small talk that never got anywhere. But she's such a nice person! I guess it comes down to the fact that now that we've lost touch, it's hard to rekindle the friendship--I don't want to put the effort into it. And I feel horrible. I don't feel horrible that she's no longer in my life (well, I do feel horrible about the idea that she's no longer in my life, but I don't feel horrible that she as a person isn't) but I feel horrible that I don't feel like trying to get her back into my life. No, I end up blocking her on AIM. Some friend I am!
But it got me thinking. I love being part of the Usual Suspects. Really, I do. I feel like we have an awesome group of people, who I'm proud to be associated with, and with whom I have fun hanging out. But when it comes to those deep down intimate friendships, the ones where you and one other friend can just have fun being together and goofing around or have those long talks and lean on each other for support and real understanding of who the friend is as a person, I feel like I don't have many of those left. I feel like the only people whom I really hang out with one-on-one are the ones that I have actually known from middle school (with the exception of Sam, because that's a different kind of relationship, and Kaitlyn). And I miss that! I miss being able to call up a friend and hang out without worrying if anyone else can get together. It seems like most of the time, I only hang out with the Usual Suspects as a group. Maybe it's because I'm shy, but the idea of hanging out with just one other person from the group (unless it's one of those select few) is kind of intimidating to me. I feel like I won't know what to do, what to talk about. And that's sad. Because it means that I feel like I don't really know many of the people in the group. I know them personality-wise based on what I've observed (I'm very observant, I'd say); but not from my own one-on-one conversations with them.
AIM is easier. I'm shy, it allows me to formulate my thoughts and think of something to say before having to actually say it. I have had one-on-one conversations on AIM with a number of people. I was reminded of this fact as I was digging through those old files on Sunday. But what struck me is the fact that I haven't had that many conversations like that in recent times. There was this one saved conversation that I had with Cathy that really struck me as a sweet, deep conversation. It made me feel like I had a true and trusted friend, who was there for me and really knew me, and who I really knew and was there for in return. I'm sure if I had a problem, most of the group would be there for me, as much as they could--but how many of them really know me like that? How many of them do I really know like that? Too few, much too few. And now, what I had back then when I had that conversation with Cathy...when's the last time I talked with Cathy online? It's been months! She hasn't been home over the Spring break, and I couldn't go visit her over Winter Break, so I haven't seen her for months, even longer than when we've last spoke. And when was the last time we had a real conversation? A real, real one? I can't even remember.
Right now, I feel like the only person I have meaningful conversations with on a regular basis is Sam. Not that I don't love Sam to pieces, but I like to have more than just one person with whom I regularly converse. Him and my roommates--I do have meaningful conversations with them. But they're not the Group. I don't have quite so much in common with them as I would like.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to have friendships the way I had them in middle school, again! I want to develop more close friendships. I want to be able to have a good time with just one other friend. I want to get to know my friends very well on a personal level. But it's difficult. I'm an introvert, and many times I'm too tired out by day-to-day life to put the energy into being actively social. When I'm hanging out with the group, I'm never one of the monologuers; I'm one of the commentators. I'm part of the peanut gallery. I'm not so good at telling jokes or thinking of very witty things or interesting ways to tell a story. Indeed, oftentimes when I'm trying to tell a story I get lost up in the details of it and can not successfully condense the story into something someone would want to listen to. Notice how the last dozen or so entries of mine in this livejournal have been sporadic, but always ridiculously long.
I don't know. To me, human relationships are basically what makes life worth living. I watched Into the Wild with my paretns over break (we'd all read the book) and it's so true: although new experiences are one of the keys to happiness, happiness means nothing without someone to share it with. To quote another good movie, "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean?" I need friends that know me, because I need people who will say, "'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." (That's from Shall We Dance? incidentally).
But it's so hard, because while I do find human relationships to be of the utmost importance, the dichotomy of it is that I'm an introvert, and I'm shy. Why is that?? Life would just be easier if I was one of those people that could walk into a room and start up a conversation with anyone there. As it is, trying to put myself out there and be actively social is work for me. Nerve-wracking, exhausting, difficult work. It's especially hard to build something from nothing. One of my roommates, Sara, at the beginning of the year became friends with my roommate, Ashley. The two of them were the closest out of us four. Then Sara got a boyfriend, began spending all her time with him, and never really spent very much time with Ashley anymore. After several months, Ashley confronted her and said that she missed hanging out and being her friend. Sara replied that the more she got to know Ashley, the more she disliked what she saw and that they had less and less in common, so she didn't want to be her friend anymore. Sara said that now Ashley was just "someone she waved to in the hall". Ashley came back into my room in tears, and Sara shrugged it off and afterwards acted like nothing really happened.
I condemned Sara's actions along with my other roommate, Rachael, as we tried to comfort Ashley. I told her that if Sara wasn't willing to put in the effort to be a friend, she wasn't worth it. I couldn't believe that Sara had done that. I've been vocal in condemning her and her attitude of disposing friends when she no longer needs them. But recently, even as I condemn her, I can't help thinking, Am I so different? How many times have I let a faded friendship die because I couldn't put in the effort to rekindle it? How many times have I let someone who was once a friend fade out of my life because I felt we had little in common?
I don't want to be that person. And yet I fear that I am. I fear that I am on the wrong path, a path that I don't want to be on. I don't want to come back to Pleasanton in a year and a half from now and have no friends left because we've all drifted apart. And the worst thing is, I've gotten to the point now that I no longer really care that my middle school friends and I are no longer close friends. I'm scared of the idea of it, though. I don't want it to be two years from now, and find that I no longer care that any of us Usual Suspects are no longer friends. I know that when we all graduate college and move to our respective cities that we will most likely stop being good friends. But that thought makes me feel empty and alone inside. I don't want that to happen any sooner than it has to.
I feel a little bit like I'm drifting in the way of friendship. Sure, I have 73 friends on Facebook, but how many of them would I actually hang out with one-on-one? The number is surprisingly low, and this distresses me.
I remember in middle school, I had a close group of friends, and we were mostly all girls, but besides the point. I had a great time at lunch with this group of friends, or when we all went to each other's birthday parties and the like. But the thing is, most of these friends I was very close with, close enough that we would hang out one-on-one. I would have sleepovers or go to their house when it was just them and me, and we had good times. Then high school came, and half of my group of friends went to Foothill while the other half went to Amador. The first year, we had a reunion over the week of finals. We went to each others' birthday parties, even though we were now going to different schools. It was just like old times.
But slowly, things started to fade. We drifted farther and farther apart, until I don't speak to many of them anymore. Not because they aren't nice people, but because it seems like we don't have much common ground to talk about anymore. I've seen some of them around town, and we've smiled and exchanged words when we see each other, but after a few minutes the conversation dies. One of these friends, a very nice girl but one which I don't have much in common with any longer, is my friend on Facebook; she got my screen name and started IMing me. We would talk about school for several minutes, but then the conversation died. The next day, or the next week, she would IM me again; the process would repeat. Eventually, I blocked her, because I was tired of the small talk that never got anywhere. But she's such a nice person! I guess it comes down to the fact that now that we've lost touch, it's hard to rekindle the friendship--I don't want to put the effort into it. And I feel horrible. I don't feel horrible that she's no longer in my life (well, I do feel horrible about the idea that she's no longer in my life, but I don't feel horrible that she as a person isn't) but I feel horrible that I don't feel like trying to get her back into my life. No, I end up blocking her on AIM. Some friend I am!
But it got me thinking. I love being part of the Usual Suspects. Really, I do. I feel like we have an awesome group of people, who I'm proud to be associated with, and with whom I have fun hanging out. But when it comes to those deep down intimate friendships, the ones where you and one other friend can just have fun being together and goofing around or have those long talks and lean on each other for support and real understanding of who the friend is as a person, I feel like I don't have many of those left. I feel like the only people whom I really hang out with one-on-one are the ones that I have actually known from middle school (with the exception of Sam, because that's a different kind of relationship, and Kaitlyn). And I miss that! I miss being able to call up a friend and hang out without worrying if anyone else can get together. It seems like most of the time, I only hang out with the Usual Suspects as a group. Maybe it's because I'm shy, but the idea of hanging out with just one other person from the group (unless it's one of those select few) is kind of intimidating to me. I feel like I won't know what to do, what to talk about. And that's sad. Because it means that I feel like I don't really know many of the people in the group. I know them personality-wise based on what I've observed (I'm very observant, I'd say); but not from my own one-on-one conversations with them.
AIM is easier. I'm shy, it allows me to formulate my thoughts and think of something to say before having to actually say it. I have had one-on-one conversations on AIM with a number of people. I was reminded of this fact as I was digging through those old files on Sunday. But what struck me is the fact that I haven't had that many conversations like that in recent times. There was this one saved conversation that I had with Cathy that really struck me as a sweet, deep conversation. It made me feel like I had a true and trusted friend, who was there for me and really knew me, and who I really knew and was there for in return. I'm sure if I had a problem, most of the group would be there for me, as much as they could--but how many of them really know me like that? How many of them do I really know like that? Too few, much too few. And now, what I had back then when I had that conversation with Cathy...when's the last time I talked with Cathy online? It's been months! She hasn't been home over the Spring break, and I couldn't go visit her over Winter Break, so I haven't seen her for months, even longer than when we've last spoke. And when was the last time we had a real conversation? A real, real one? I can't even remember.
Right now, I feel like the only person I have meaningful conversations with on a regular basis is Sam. Not that I don't love Sam to pieces, but I like to have more than just one person with whom I regularly converse. Him and my roommates--I do have meaningful conversations with them. But they're not the Group. I don't have quite so much in common with them as I would like.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to have friendships the way I had them in middle school, again! I want to develop more close friendships. I want to be able to have a good time with just one other friend. I want to get to know my friends very well on a personal level. But it's difficult. I'm an introvert, and many times I'm too tired out by day-to-day life to put the energy into being actively social. When I'm hanging out with the group, I'm never one of the monologuers; I'm one of the commentators. I'm part of the peanut gallery. I'm not so good at telling jokes or thinking of very witty things or interesting ways to tell a story. Indeed, oftentimes when I'm trying to tell a story I get lost up in the details of it and can not successfully condense the story into something someone would want to listen to. Notice how the last dozen or so entries of mine in this livejournal have been sporadic, but always ridiculously long.
I don't know. To me, human relationships are basically what makes life worth living. I watched Into the Wild with my paretns over break (we'd all read the book) and it's so true: although new experiences are one of the keys to happiness, happiness means nothing without someone to share it with. To quote another good movie, "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean?" I need friends that know me, because I need people who will say, "'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." (That's from Shall We Dance? incidentally).
But it's so hard, because while I do find human relationships to be of the utmost importance, the dichotomy of it is that I'm an introvert, and I'm shy. Why is that?? Life would just be easier if I was one of those people that could walk into a room and start up a conversation with anyone there. As it is, trying to put myself out there and be actively social is work for me. Nerve-wracking, exhausting, difficult work. It's especially hard to build something from nothing. One of my roommates, Sara, at the beginning of the year became friends with my roommate, Ashley. The two of them were the closest out of us four. Then Sara got a boyfriend, began spending all her time with him, and never really spent very much time with Ashley anymore. After several months, Ashley confronted her and said that she missed hanging out and being her friend. Sara replied that the more she got to know Ashley, the more she disliked what she saw and that they had less and less in common, so she didn't want to be her friend anymore. Sara said that now Ashley was just "someone she waved to in the hall". Ashley came back into my room in tears, and Sara shrugged it off and afterwards acted like nothing really happened.
I condemned Sara's actions along with my other roommate, Rachael, as we tried to comfort Ashley. I told her that if Sara wasn't willing to put in the effort to be a friend, she wasn't worth it. I couldn't believe that Sara had done that. I've been vocal in condemning her and her attitude of disposing friends when she no longer needs them. But recently, even as I condemn her, I can't help thinking, Am I so different? How many times have I let a faded friendship die because I couldn't put in the effort to rekindle it? How many times have I let someone who was once a friend fade out of my life because I felt we had little in common?
I don't want to be that person. And yet I fear that I am. I fear that I am on the wrong path, a path that I don't want to be on. I don't want to come back to Pleasanton in a year and a half from now and have no friends left because we've all drifted apart. And the worst thing is, I've gotten to the point now that I no longer really care that my middle school friends and I are no longer close friends. I'm scared of the idea of it, though. I don't want it to be two years from now, and find that I no longer care that any of us Usual Suspects are no longer friends. I know that when we all graduate college and move to our respective cities that we will most likely stop being good friends. But that thought makes me feel empty and alone inside. I don't want that to happen any sooner than it has to.