(no subject)
So. My diet didn't work. I was eating 1/3 of a baked chicken breast, with less than 1/3 of a cup of lima beans or some other veggie like broccoli three times a day. Sometimes with a snack in between one of those, and it was usually another veggie portion or a small spoon of peanut butter. On the third night of this diet, I would give myself a tiny bit of freedom. I could eat whatever I wanted, and how much, in place of my dinner on that third night...as long as I ate whatever it was in an hour. No stopping because I'm full and eating more in another hour. I was starving myself, but I thought adding that third dinner thing would balance stuff out and I would lose weight really fast. I mean, people who eat that little all of a sudden like that lose tons of weight...why didn't I? Not only did I not lose weight, I gained it! It just didn't and doesn't make sense to me at all. And the fact that I was able to do this, for this long...yeah. I think that would show anyone how much I want to lose weight. And I really thought it would work, it was the only thing I hadn't tried, next to bulimia or anorexia. Nothing has worked.
Ever since I was 7-8 people have been giving me advice on how to lose weight. I've done it, too...maybe in secret, and maybe with a bad attitude, but I did it. My family worked out at the YMCA for a while, and that was pretty fun. I would work out on whatever machine I thought I would be able to handle, and just went for it. I brought cd's to listen to to get me pumped, and I was really proud of myself. After two weeks of going almost every day, and eating a restricted diet, I had lost nothing. I had actually gained a few pounds. My dad told me it was muscle, but everyone else in the family lost weight. It might have just been a few pounds that they lost, but what they had been doing was the same as what I had been doing, and it worked for them. But not for me. My dad had a lot of weight loss ideas that the whole family would try out, and in the end everyone had always lost weight except for me. And I think I tried the hardest. I knew that they were doing all of this for me, and I didn't want to let anyone down, but no matter what I did or how hard I worked, it always backfired on me. I've done everything now. Pills, diet and exercise, starving, muscle building to replace fat...and the only thing that ever worked for me was the pills. And the shot. I would take pills and a shot in my butt every week, and a restricted diet, and at the beginning I lost 11 pounds in the first week. The second week I lost 9 or so, and then my father couldn't pay for the pills anymore. The ONE thing that worked for me, and we financially couldn't do it. When I got with Spencer I went on it again, but again it was draining finances so we had to stop. Not to mention I would get light-headed, and sometimes I would start to dry heave or feel like I was about to faint. So yeah, Spencer was worried about me, so I figured I wasn't going to spend all his money on me if it was just going to worry him. I wasn't losing as much that time anyway.
A few days after I got off my diet, I wanted to get out of the house and Spencer suggested we go to CiCi's pizza. It was the cheapest restaurant, and there was nothing else around that night that was cheaper to do. It's also right around the corner, so it saves on gas. Basically, it's the best choice. So we go in, we're eating, and I just start to notice that I'm the biggest person in the whole place. These tiny girls are walking around getting two or three plates full of pizza and dessert, and I'm getting the same amount, without the dessert, but they're TINY, and I'm HUGE! Spencer gets like two plates more than me, and he's small too. Everyone there was pigging out, sometimes eating more than me, and they were MUCH smaller than me. I just didn't get it. These girls and guys probably ate this, then the next morning they worked it off on their treadmill or at the gym. But when I eat healthy AND workout like that, I gain weight! What I wouldn't give to just be normal! To eat something and know that in the morning I could work it off and everything would be fine. To know that I can lose weight whenever I want to, I just have to want it. That would be sooo great! But no, I'm a total freak of nature, and I have NO IDEA how to lose weight. Everything everyone has told me about weight loss is wrong for me. It may work for a normal person, but NO, not for me!! *sigh* I just really feel like surgery would be my next hope. But then again I think it just makes my stomach smaller, right? Well, I've done that already. I've eaten that little and it didn't work. True, I had zero energy to work out, but would that really be different with the surgery? I guess it would, because I would feel full. But the nutrients absorbed would be the same, right? It shouldn't matter whether or not the stomach is full. I don't know. I just know that I really feel like I have done everything I know how to do, everything I have researched, and it hasn't worked. So yeah, let's hope one day I can get the surgery and that it works.
Ever since I was 7-8 people have been giving me advice on how to lose weight. I've done it, too...maybe in secret, and maybe with a bad attitude, but I did it. My family worked out at the YMCA for a while, and that was pretty fun. I would work out on whatever machine I thought I would be able to handle, and just went for it. I brought cd's to listen to to get me pumped, and I was really proud of myself. After two weeks of going almost every day, and eating a restricted diet, I had lost nothing. I had actually gained a few pounds. My dad told me it was muscle, but everyone else in the family lost weight. It might have just been a few pounds that they lost, but what they had been doing was the same as what I had been doing, and it worked for them. But not for me. My dad had a lot of weight loss ideas that the whole family would try out, and in the end everyone had always lost weight except for me. And I think I tried the hardest. I knew that they were doing all of this for me, and I didn't want to let anyone down, but no matter what I did or how hard I worked, it always backfired on me. I've done everything now. Pills, diet and exercise, starving, muscle building to replace fat...and the only thing that ever worked for me was the pills. And the shot. I would take pills and a shot in my butt every week, and a restricted diet, and at the beginning I lost 11 pounds in the first week. The second week I lost 9 or so, and then my father couldn't pay for the pills anymore. The ONE thing that worked for me, and we financially couldn't do it. When I got with Spencer I went on it again, but again it was draining finances so we had to stop. Not to mention I would get light-headed, and sometimes I would start to dry heave or feel like I was about to faint. So yeah, Spencer was worried about me, so I figured I wasn't going to spend all his money on me if it was just going to worry him. I wasn't losing as much that time anyway.
A few days after I got off my diet, I wanted to get out of the house and Spencer suggested we go to CiCi's pizza. It was the cheapest restaurant, and there was nothing else around that night that was cheaper to do. It's also right around the corner, so it saves on gas. Basically, it's the best choice. So we go in, we're eating, and I just start to notice that I'm the biggest person in the whole place. These tiny girls are walking around getting two or three plates full of pizza and dessert, and I'm getting the same amount, without the dessert, but they're TINY, and I'm HUGE! Spencer gets like two plates more than me, and he's small too. Everyone there was pigging out, sometimes eating more than me, and they were MUCH smaller than me. I just didn't get it. These girls and guys probably ate this, then the next morning they worked it off on their treadmill or at the gym. But when I eat healthy AND workout like that, I gain weight! What I wouldn't give to just be normal! To eat something and know that in the morning I could work it off and everything would be fine. To know that I can lose weight whenever I want to, I just have to want it. That would be sooo great! But no, I'm a total freak of nature, and I have NO IDEA how to lose weight. Everything everyone has told me about weight loss is wrong for me. It may work for a normal person, but NO, not for me!! *sigh* I just really feel like surgery would be my next hope. But then again I think it just makes my stomach smaller, right? Well, I've done that already. I've eaten that little and it didn't work. True, I had zero energy to work out, but would that really be different with the surgery? I guess it would, because I would feel full. But the nutrients absorbed would be the same, right? It shouldn't matter whether or not the stomach is full. I don't know. I just know that I really feel like I have done everything I know how to do, everything I have researched, and it hasn't worked. So yeah, let's hope one day I can get the surgery and that it works.