day 7. how masochists move on
I felt like I had to write something down to remind myself of the progress I have been making.
I have been moving on and have been facing our realities.
I’m starting like we’re back to day 1. No more recalling of what-have-beens or what-could-have -beens. Clean slate, as they call it.
Many would recommend that for one to move on, one should terminate all means of contact the other. While some change their numbers, some move to a completely strange place, some just get a completely new hairdo, some resign from their workplaces or move to another department, I didn’t do any of that.
The clandestine way of moving on.
Perhaps, it’s more effective to recall the times he lied to me, the times he ignored me and the times he sent wrong messages to me. Oh and that time when he kept me hanging. If I had a coin for every time he let me down, I’d probably be rich now.
After all that happened, I give him the normal day - normal conversations, normal text messages and all normalcies I know he also wanted.
And yes. I still bug him like how I used to. Call me a masochist but I think I need the hurt he causes me every time to get discouraged.
I grew up always getting what I want and since unfortunately, I got fixated on him, I thought I can get him, too. Determination is fighting against what is right.
The RIGHT has to win, this time.
As I’ve earlier established, I don’t believe in the termination of contact. Both of us have to deal with this. Every day. For the rest of our lives.
I don’t exactly want to show him my defeat. I want him to see his loss.
Sooner, with this set up, I will be okay and forget all the secrets we shared.