Soldier's Code
Color me cruel, by I'm putting pobrequito Lee Adama through AU Hades of Dee not making it off the Algae Planet in 'Rapture', season 3, again. Without the last-minute plug-out, this time.
On some narrative choices this time around first, for I've resorted to Sam Anders POV this once. Although, I can't claim to have a firm grip on that particular character (however intrigued by the artistic and scientiffic facet of him, introduced alongside Cylonicity, if only in the state of brain death), it seemed like given his recent experience on Algae Planet and the accumulated ones, through resistance and the Circle, Sam could turn out to be the one most attuned to Lee's impending distress due to the scope of loss and hurt, were Dee to be actually lost in action that time. Besides, since it was Sam's hissy fit, more profoundly than it being *Starbuck* MIA per se, instrumental to making Lee send his wife out into deadly peril, it would appear natural Anders might come to feeling guilty and complicit in the tragedy, to an extend.
Hence, Sam it was, cast for the narrative stand-point. That, and the fact that I'm not arrogant enough to presume my more than humble writing capabilities anywhere remotely in par with those of Faulkner's to pull a 'Sound and Fury' by reveiling a plausible account of a mad-man's (Lee, in that case, who is my POV character by default) stream of consciousness. More about the latter further down.
One of the reasons I believe the 'Eye of Jupiter'/'Rapture' (the end of 'Rapture', in particular) to be one of the more crucial points for Lee's character development, is precisely because the outcome of that story, as far as Lee is concerned, is about wake-up calls and the beginning of his journey to let go long-standing delusions.
Delusion #1: He's an unworthy bastard, craving contempt and eager to abandon honor, integrity and dignity in pursuit of the one 'true heart's desire'. It turns out being just that pains and torments Lee a lot more, than getting his grip on Starbuck could ever atone for. Somehow, repeatedly frakking her (or making out, depends on the perspective), just fails to tantamount to happiness, for some odd reason (and Strabuck unwillingness to divorce might not even be the dominant factor in all that, whereas increasing loss of Dee's respect and shame on that part, is).
Delusion # 1.1: if he calls it quits with Dee and goes into relationship with Kara openly, it'll make him feel better and rid of inadequacy and guilt. Mind you - that was what he brought the issue of divorce for, not the alleged happily-ever-after with Starbuck (it would appear, on some subconscious level he was aware that was never a deal, but that's a whole different delusion to let go of, along the way). Experience suggests, whenever there's such acute inadequacy and guilt over frakking up what you have in a relationship with somebody, or hurting the said somebody, or cheating on them, things are a lot more profound and complicated than the said 'somebody' just not being 'the one'. Ironic as it may seem, in all that mess Starbuck was actually demonstrating higher level of maturity. She pushed Sam away *before* plunging into the fling with Lee, for reasons having little to do with Lee per se, actually, but a lot to do with her frakwittage, commitment phobia and general state of frakked-up darkness as of confinement on New Caprica and the Second Exodus. And her unwillingness to divorce indicated she was aware the stint with Lee had, yet again, least of all to do with Lee, somewhat to do with Sam and most of all to do with her individaul immermost issues. Lee, however, was yet to figure all the same things out about himself.
Delusion # 2: Kara and everything about her was all Lee ever wanted. Starbuck thrives on chaos, whereas Lee - does not (Cf. Delusion # 1). Chaos distorts and kicks Lee off kilter, bringing him to lose perspective of who he is and wants to be. Interpersonal relationship chaos including. Kara, however, had *never* offered Lee anything but convoluted chaos, as far as acting on thier sexual attraction was concerned (starting with the drunk near-frak way back when Zack was alive). For that's just who and how Kara is. It was Lee, who repeatedly attempted to fit that chaos into the neat frame-work of romance, devotion and solid commitment. Because that's what he craves in a relationship. Incidentally, overlooking he'd already got what he wanted all along - with Dee. Why he's unable/unwilling to embrace the healthy version of it with his fiancee, then wife, and rerurrently detours into pursuit of a delusional obsessive phantom of his dreamt-up happiness, featuring Starbuck, is a different matter.
On the side-note, oddly enough, Lee and Starbuck manage to keep the framework of affectionate loyalty and commitment fairly straight, whenever romance is factored out of their interaction. Should have been hint enough for Lee, it figured, but it would've been a different BSG altogether, then.
Delusion #3: Lee was truly eager to break up with Dee whenever a 'happily-ever-after' with Kara loomed on the horizon. I've already elaborated in a different post, that I do not believe Lee's professed desire to abandon Dee for Kara would have held water, once the alchoholic and hormonal intoxication had worn off. Namely, because, naked, drunk and under the stars is not quite how Lee would've pictured an upcoming lifetime. And dressed, sober , endowed with a vast array of professional and personal responsibilities and back-to-his-normal-self Lee needed wisdom, support, respect and caring nurture Kara had hardly ever had in supply, plastered or otherwise. Guilt and shame over having disowned and dishonored it, due to his own commitment issues and insecurities, prevented him to fully enjoy all of the listed above, Dee had to offer, through the first half of their marriage.
Back to the Algae Planet. Lee voices a suggestion to divorce his and Starbuck's respective spouses. The next thing, he has to send Dee out on an extremely perilous rescue mission to fetch Kara, of all people. Though we, the viewers, were aware Lee a) didn't intend it to happen b) didn't in the least enjoy it happening (the 'Happy now? Keep in mind, if Dee dies out there, I'll kill you' look he gave Sam upon issuing the order was just priceless) c) was not, in fact, sending "Dee" to save "Kara", but rather "Lt. Dualla" to attemp a rescue of "Captain Thrace" - Lee would hardly ever be the one to shy away from second-guessing his motives and chewing on the hefty helping of self-loathing therein. And we already know how Lee tackles guilt and inadequacy - seeking further condemnation. Hence, the bar-flying and deliberate frakwittage upon return from Algae Planet.
The experience of plausibly losing his wife in combat, however, demonstrated Lee just exactly how 'willing' he was to get rid of Dee on his own accord and how careful he was to be as to what he wished for, henceforth. There is a brief moment, in the disembarkation scene, when Dee is obscured by Kara, stepping off the Raptor, so that Lee couldn't see her right away. The instant flashing panic in those blue eyes was really all the proof he might ever had needed as to what that woman truly meant to him. The rest (Dee's leaving and and their reconciliation in 'TABFAYW' including) is, actually, somewhat an aftermath of that epiphany.
Ah. But there's the aforementioned drinking and overall jerking around in TABFAYW. Of course there would be. And incidentally not because he chose against pursuing his 'heart's desire' or his 'his heart's desire' won't divorce. But because he remembers all too well to have disowned his hear's desire, again, the one he by now knows he is scared as Hades to lose, knows to have disgraced her trust with infidelity, deems himself undeserving of thier relationship more than he's ever had, and is in denial as to owning up to his guilt and shame. (All the while doing amazingly little to convince his wife it's not, in fact, due to ongoing pining/affair for/with another woman he's a drunken mess and an unsensitive bastard, but due to his own issues or those of his own making). So when the 'conjured up' scenario of losing her actually plays out - he is floored. Quite literally. For the woman his insecurities and complexes made him push away and run away from, till she finally wasn't there, was in fact the only one who knew who he was and who/what he could be. That, as it turned out, by no means included being the one she despised or was uncapable to absolve. Dee was his salvation. Had always been. Color me boring yet again, but needing someone a) just to be (as opposed to being not - that was Lee's state of (non)existence upon losing his direction earlier and ring finally) b) to be a better person, the utmost of what you can and wish - is ultimately romantic in my book and a lot more mature, earnest, emotionally profound and credible, than shouting drunken 'wuuuuv' to the skies in a tackiest teenage scenario.
My point is, through all these verbous ramblings, that were Lee to face losing his wife to that hapless order of 'bringing Starbuck to Apollo', given his accumulated state of inadequacy, torment and self-deprication by then, it might have turned out the one thing he'd be unable/uneager to live with. Effectively bringing his mind to shut down. Which is the ultimate tragegy for an orderly 'thinker' like Lee.
So, a rather dark and unoptimistic alternate take on the ending of 'Rapture' episode, season 3 this is. Set right after everybody disembarks on Galactica upon making it off the Algae Planet.
Alludes to the cut scene from the episode, featuring Lee Adama's and Sam Ander's discussion on 'leaving no man behind', as Starbuck's rescue was ordered.
Implied character death, so be warned.
Disclaimer: None of the characters, plot points, inherent to the show, belong to me.
Soldier's Code
- Where's Dee? - A notably ticked off Major Adama was tapping quite tersely onto Kara's shoulder, still enclosed firmly within Sam's hug.
From the way she tensed in his arms Anders knew that was not headed anywhere nice. Gods, he was so damn happy she was alive and back it was all too easy to overlook Lee's wife had actually been sent on the rescue mission.
The younger Adama's stare was steady and cold, prodding for a reasonable explanation. Kara took in a shuddering breath and began to tear up, driving Sam unsettlingly convinced Apollo was, most likely, not going to get one.
- She managed to gear the Raptor back up. All of a sudden there were toasters, all over us. We couldn't take off. She grabbed both our guns and jumped off board to buy some time. The next thing I see - she yelps and goes down.
- So you just left? - Anders could bet the glazed surface of Lee's eyes was cracked in a heartbeat, like ice, prickly shards glistening in the artificial light, as she went on.
- I was barely coherent to fly the frakking thing! There was nothing else I could do! Lee…
Sam coiled inwardly, rotating his way slowly in between the younger Adama and his wife, getting ready for the violent onslaught, certain to burst out right away. Sure as Hades, Major would be inclined to estimate what happened to Dee their joint fault. Not quite unjustifiably so, too. However, granted the premise, leading to that Gods damned order of rescue on Lee's part, Sam would rather Apollo took it out on him, than on Kara. What Anders couldn't anticipate in the very least was Major Adama going stiff for a briefest of whiles, features sharp and angular, then nodding silently, in sync with some inner considerations, turning on his heel and marching away, oblivious of Kara's pleading and Sam's own admonishing stares.
***
- Where do you think you're going? - Admiral Adama materialized from the crowd, blocking Lee's way to the nearest Raptor, freezing his son to a halt with an imposing stare.
- Permission to request a craft and flight clearance, sir. Dee's down there, Admiral, possibly wounded. Possibly still under enemy fire. - Apollo's report spattered textbook clipped and crisp, if surprisingly detached, charged with carefully controlled urgency.
- The star went nova, son. The algae planet is baked by now. There's nowhere to go back to. I'm so sorry, kiddo.
Major Adama appeared distant and fairly unresponsive for quite some time in his father's fierce embrace. The grime and sweat covered face was pale and alarmingly serene, as he finally motioned to pull away.
- I wanted a divorce, anyway.
Hollow, calm words earned a subdued Major the most profoundly disproving of the Admiral's trademark frowns. More disquieting still was Apollo's lack of acknowledgement or defensive resignation in response. It was unlike his son to let an opportunity of matching the Old Man glare for glare slide. Lee just stepped around his father's rigid form and headed out of the hangar deck, without as much as another sound, gaze focused straight ahead, a tad too vacant to appear composed. As much as it pained Bill to let his son go at a moment like that, he was aware the kid might be needing some time on his own. Gods knew, he would be.
***
Sam wasn't sure what possessed him to follow Apollo outside the hangar deck. He didn't even like Major Adama to begin with. Had every reason to despise the guy, in fact, spectacularly efficient job of getting them all out of that smoldering algae Hades notwithstanding. It was just something about the calm deliberation in Lee's stride, which wasn't supposed to be there, given the circumstances, brought up an acute pang within Anders's gut. Something that made him instantly think of Duck, back on the NCP Graduation day. Leaving Kara in the medics' care, thus, he all but jogged in the general direction of Major's retreating form, past the swarming activity of the hangar deck, past Colonel Tigh's suspicious furrow.
Lee was already inside the airlock, set on the task of inserting the key with intense precision, brows creased at the piece of offending hardware in frustration, as it repeatedly failed to fit into the launch panel. Sam skidded to a stop, unsure for a second if he might, in fact, cause more damage by approaching. There wasn't much room for trepidation, however, before the young Adama figured his way around venting himself into frakking space, Anders reckoned, stepping over the hatch threshold and moving closer, careful not to startle the clearly upset, if equally focused, man out of what was left of his wits. If anything, Sam was not looking forward to face his own consciousness again, had Lee succeeded in what it looked like he was up to.
- Hey, Major. Gotta hurry up somewhere?
- I have to go back. She's all alone there, Sam. We leave no man behind, you see.
Through unfathomable Hades of guerrilla resistance on both Capricas Sam Anders had hardly encountered anything more terrifying than what he saw in Apollo's eyes that moment- the agitated glimmer, devoid of sanity.
- It'll take you ages to get there like that. - It occurred to Sam he'd better say anything, no matter how wayward, to keep Lee distracted. - C'mon, Major. Admiral Adama will send Kara out on SAR, once she's apt to fly again. You'll brief her on mission specifics. Rumor has it you're good at that. It'll be alright.
Surreal as it was, Sam's ad-hoc goading seemed to be working to slowly usher the distraught and visibly disoriented Major Adama back to the airlock hatch, on the opposite end of the one opening into outer space. Earlier in the day the last thing Anders could've imagined would be achingly empathizing with the man now appearing to be walking underwater beside him. And drowning deeper. Fast. No one deserved to lose it like that. In every sense possible.
Lee's stride was persistently getting less and less stable, as they were moving forward, so much so Anders had to practically drag his companion into the airlock antechamber by the end of their short journey. Either Colonel Tigh was clairvoyant or had a good grasp on the memory of Duck's face too, back in the day, but both the XO and the elder Adama were already there, regarding the gruesome sight in morbid silence. The Admiral's face was hard to read, so thick were the shadows, clouding his weathered countenance. Anders's grip on Lee's shoulder was instantly replaced by a firmer one, that of the anxious father, much to his relief. Major Adama, however, had yet to indicate any recognition of the newcomers, jerking abruptly to lean closer to Sam with what for all the world appeared a conspiratorial grin and a condescending pat on the arm.
- We can't send any frakking SAR to fetch her, Sammy. Don't you get it? I killed her.
The soft whimper was barely audible, as Apollo's limp frame sank to the floor, to be caught promptly by three sets of strong hands at a time.
- It's shock. Won't remember a thing once he wakes up. - Tigh's uncharacteristically hesitant voice rasped in something akin to wishful thinking, the single eye fixed pointedly on Bill, clutching his son fervently, all the while roaming for pulse.
- Dee's gone. He'll remember that much.
What Admiral Adama chose to leave unspoken was the heart-wrenching doubt his son was to go along with the reality he was about to wake up to. Sam Anders deemed it wiser to keep to himself the stirring apprehension Major Adama might very well be unwilling to consider waking up at all, any more.