is it worth it ... can you even hear me ?
sometimes it's okay to be selfish. sometimes it's okay to feel hurt, left out, and alone, even when you're around other people. all of this was okay for me to do and be tonight, when i came to the realization that no matter how hard i try, or how much i love, it will never be the same, or as much, as what you and her have together.
i saw your conversation. tonight was hell, i know. but what hurt me even more than hurting like hell for you, is that you feel like family to you, is her and only her, and that the biggest loss to you, would be the loss of her. at least that's what i got out of it.
part of me wishes i was in deep shit with you, so i could feel as needed by you as i'm sure she does.
i made the smallest comment to her about caring that much for me, and in an instant i was "selfish and self-centered". it was a joke, to begin with. but then again, part of it wasn't... because i feel like i'm always screaming for attention in the middle of a crowded room when we're all together, and nobody listens.
a little piece of me is jealous of both of you. jealous of you because my sister seems to care for and pay more attention to you than she does me. jealous of her because you're the one we grew up with but i feel like as time went by i lost your interest, and she's always the focus of your attention and of your heart.
please don't pity me. don't try to change your behaviors toward me because of what this all says. it just makes me feel pathetic in the end.
to make matters worse than what this entry already states, you've got so much weight on your shoulders i wish i could just lift in one second and have you be rid of it forever. i probably can't offer you anything but my support. i never know what to say to console somebody in an instant when they're upset. i don't naturally attract and interest people upon first glance. i can't dance in the car. i love my mother and care that she cares about me. i do have a boyfriend that i spend too much time with. i couldn't move out in an instant with you and get an apartment and i probably couldn't even leave home for a couple more years because i'm that attached. but i can tell you that you and her both mean so much more to me than i could ever express... and that's what hurts the most. the two people i couldn't live without can't live without eachother.
but i respect that.
"it's okay to have favorites, you're allowed to. just know that you were always mine."