Crying
I cry far too easily to suit me. When most folks see or hear something that they like, or that touches them, they get excited, or smile, or openly express it some way. Not me. I just sit practically expressionless and fight back tears. I am taking ASL at church, and I am concerned about the facial expression part of it. Learning the signs part is easy. It's a visual and kinesthetic language. It comes second nature to me. My problem is the facial expressions that one is supposed to use with the signs. That part is hard. I don't smile easily, unless I am also feeling it. Most folks know how to smile, and a smile is an almost automatic response when they meet someone. My attempted fake smiles look fake, so I don't try to smile. When I smile, it's genuin. I would make a poor actor, and a horrible poker player.
I asked God about this crying, wanting to know if I was unconsciously trying to morn something, or why I couldn't grow past this. His answer surprised me. First he addressed me as "My son, a mighty warior." I was surprised by this. Somehow the me I know and the label "Mighty Warior" seem like an intense conflict in terms. He said many other things, like he would heal my words if I asked him, and other things I have since forgotten, but he also assured me that my crying was not a defect when said I would be known as "A mighty man who cries like a child." I wasn't real sure whether I wanted to be known for that. How often is crying equated with manliness? It's rare to see men openly crying, letting it just go in public. I don't quite know what to do with that except be genuin or not.
I guess it will have to be a faith thing, because I'm not sure how to accept this, but I seem powerless to turn it off, without shutting the rest of me down with it.
I asked God about this crying, wanting to know if I was unconsciously trying to morn something, or why I couldn't grow past this. His answer surprised me. First he addressed me as "My son, a mighty warior." I was surprised by this. Somehow the me I know and the label "Mighty Warior" seem like an intense conflict in terms. He said many other things, like he would heal my words if I asked him, and other things I have since forgotten, but he also assured me that my crying was not a defect when said I would be known as "A mighty man who cries like a child." I wasn't real sure whether I wanted to be known for that. How often is crying equated with manliness? It's rare to see men openly crying, letting it just go in public. I don't quite know what to do with that except be genuin or not.
I guess it will have to be a faith thing, because I'm not sure how to accept this, but I seem powerless to turn it off, without shutting the rest of me down with it.