Incoming: Pity Party
Fuckin' PMS.
I'm getting that insatiable itch to move again even though I haven't the slightest idea of how or where. Where before I felt a slight disconnect from the future (which empowered my impulsive decisions) I currently feel completely lost. My judgments are beginning to cloud over and I recklessly participate in activities that I know are doing nothing but eroding my self-worth.
I'm just so tired of this. I'm tired of the same routine over and over. Which is why I think I'm embellishing this thing with Rachel so much, because it's a slice of something new that's bumping me off my normal track. For the past year I have done the same exact thing over and over: Work, WoW, sleep. To reconnect with a side of life that's normal was initially off-setting. "Normalcy" and I have been in diaspora for years now. To remember how to date is like rehearsing an old foreign language you remember only bits and pieces of.
This is what normal people do.
This is what normal people talk about.
This is where normal people hang out and enjoy each other.
This is what normal people say when they like each other.
In the quiet moments I reserve for over-embellishing I begin to question everything. What's substantive about these things? Or, these discussions? Most importantly, in what area am I just plain failing at?
I used to think I had so much to give. That I was humorous and amiable and worth having around. I never wanted to reduce someone to something physical or vice-versa. There must be something substantive about me, because my mind-space is constantly circulating such wonderfully intriguing thoughts and provocations. A part of me does still feel this way, but increasingly I just feel boring and run-of-the-mill - Two things I never, ever want to be.
I had a meeting with my school counselor to try to get my education back in line and after condescendingly handing me the information that I needed, I realized I'm not actually that far off of the goal. I most probably have enough credits at this point to transfer, but I'll have to jump through hoops to get my transcripts back. I feel like a loser for not caring either way about this failed class or that failed class, but in the end it doesn't matter. I'm not going for President - I want to teach High School.
I always recognized that about myself in college. Where Natasha frets over a + or - and a missing assignment, the only reason I tended to care about my performance was because I was wasting money if I didn't do well. It's so incredibly hard for me to feign interest in classes or a system which actively seeks to repress personal creativity than allow it to flourish. Public education is a broken system and because that is palpable to me it's incredibly difficult to play directly into it.
I guess it all comes back to my favorite to-do lists where I scribble down all my most pressing tasks. But, "graduate from college" and "find a stable happiness" are slightly more difficult to check off the list than "laundry," "chapter 12-15" and "clean car." Maybe "make do" would be more appropriate, but I need a key the size of the Atlantic to unlock that Pandora's box. "Find a stable happiness" implies I am, in fact, stable, which I have recently discovered that I am not.
I simply burn and writhe with envy over everyone doing what they need to be doing. Oblivious to the fact that their graduations and their trysts are something to be longed for. Why can't it be as simple as it used to? Where you could spend a full weekend with five friends eating pizza and playing video games? What ever happened to reconnecting with people at break and feeling happy to be at home?
I think the same cabin fever which was eating me at UCSC is setting back in. Rooms and beds are treats and a delight. It's where you come home every night and rest your head and be grateful for the stillness. But, instead, I spend this time inside, everyday. I'm home too much. And, everything outside of the walls is what rests well with me the most.
How do you breach new relationships and friends? How do you find them and settle in to each other? These patterns of courtship and frivolity which used to come so naturally are painstakingly being pushed out of me, but with no outlet on which to leech themselves. It's almost as if I've forgotten how to be person. And, I think I really have. All forms of communication with my friends, with people who know me the most and whom I care about more intently and appreciate for having in my life more than they'll ever know, are static and waves across phones and on the internet. I need these people back in my life and I imagine that they can quietly, without even noticing it, tape back up the seams of everything that is falling apart inside of me.
I attribute this most to these interim years between being a teenager and becoming an "adult." My biggest fear is that this is what adulthood is. Being completely lost and coming up short. My biggest fear is that even when I do finish school and start working as a teacher that I'll still feel something lacking. And, more than that, that I'll never be able to peg down exactly what will make me stable again.
Mrahh.
I'm getting that insatiable itch to move again even though I haven't the slightest idea of how or where. Where before I felt a slight disconnect from the future (which empowered my impulsive decisions) I currently feel completely lost. My judgments are beginning to cloud over and I recklessly participate in activities that I know are doing nothing but eroding my self-worth.
I'm just so tired of this. I'm tired of the same routine over and over. Which is why I think I'm embellishing this thing with Rachel so much, because it's a slice of something new that's bumping me off my normal track. For the past year I have done the same exact thing over and over: Work, WoW, sleep. To reconnect with a side of life that's normal was initially off-setting. "Normalcy" and I have been in diaspora for years now. To remember how to date is like rehearsing an old foreign language you remember only bits and pieces of.
This is what normal people do.
This is what normal people talk about.
This is where normal people hang out and enjoy each other.
This is what normal people say when they like each other.
In the quiet moments I reserve for over-embellishing I begin to question everything. What's substantive about these things? Or, these discussions? Most importantly, in what area am I just plain failing at?
I used to think I had so much to give. That I was humorous and amiable and worth having around. I never wanted to reduce someone to something physical or vice-versa. There must be something substantive about me, because my mind-space is constantly circulating such wonderfully intriguing thoughts and provocations. A part of me does still feel this way, but increasingly I just feel boring and run-of-the-mill - Two things I never, ever want to be.
I had a meeting with my school counselor to try to get my education back in line and after condescendingly handing me the information that I needed, I realized I'm not actually that far off of the goal. I most probably have enough credits at this point to transfer, but I'll have to jump through hoops to get my transcripts back. I feel like a loser for not caring either way about this failed class or that failed class, but in the end it doesn't matter. I'm not going for President - I want to teach High School.
I always recognized that about myself in college. Where Natasha frets over a + or - and a missing assignment, the only reason I tended to care about my performance was because I was wasting money if I didn't do well. It's so incredibly hard for me to feign interest in classes or a system which actively seeks to repress personal creativity than allow it to flourish. Public education is a broken system and because that is palpable to me it's incredibly difficult to play directly into it.
I guess it all comes back to my favorite to-do lists where I scribble down all my most pressing tasks. But, "graduate from college" and "find a stable happiness" are slightly more difficult to check off the list than "laundry," "chapter 12-15" and "clean car." Maybe "make do" would be more appropriate, but I need a key the size of the Atlantic to unlock that Pandora's box. "Find a stable happiness" implies I am, in fact, stable, which I have recently discovered that I am not.
I simply burn and writhe with envy over everyone doing what they need to be doing. Oblivious to the fact that their graduations and their trysts are something to be longed for. Why can't it be as simple as it used to? Where you could spend a full weekend with five friends eating pizza and playing video games? What ever happened to reconnecting with people at break and feeling happy to be at home?
I think the same cabin fever which was eating me at UCSC is setting back in. Rooms and beds are treats and a delight. It's where you come home every night and rest your head and be grateful for the stillness. But, instead, I spend this time inside, everyday. I'm home too much. And, everything outside of the walls is what rests well with me the most.
How do you breach new relationships and friends? How do you find them and settle in to each other? These patterns of courtship and frivolity which used to come so naturally are painstakingly being pushed out of me, but with no outlet on which to leech themselves. It's almost as if I've forgotten how to be person. And, I think I really have. All forms of communication with my friends, with people who know me the most and whom I care about more intently and appreciate for having in my life more than they'll ever know, are static and waves across phones and on the internet. I need these people back in my life and I imagine that they can quietly, without even noticing it, tape back up the seams of everything that is falling apart inside of me.
I attribute this most to these interim years between being a teenager and becoming an "adult." My biggest fear is that this is what adulthood is. Being completely lost and coming up short. My biggest fear is that even when I do finish school and start working as a teacher that I'll still feel something lacking. And, more than that, that I'll never be able to peg down exactly what will make me stable again.
Mrahh.