(no subject)
this stupid fucking head cold is driving me insane. i just want to rip my tonsil out of my throat because its really the only part of me thats bothering me anymore, save for the sinus pressure which i blame entirely on the opressive heat we've been struggling with for the past few days (100*+ = HELL and is unfit for human life to exist, i swear. i feel bad for southern cali right now).
seths moms wake was yesterday. i went with heather and we left after about ten minutes because she felt awkward (since she broke up with him almost two months ago and all) and i was about to lose it and i felt like an asshole because i didnt even know the woman, but seths family looked like they were justbarely holding it together and the deja vu was a little too intense. but anyway ... yeah, it was a little awkward, i didnt know anybody there and it was quite clear that seth only wanted to see heather. which was fine except i was just standing against a wall trying hard not to lose it. justin was supposed to go but he got a uti or something, whatever he had to go to the er because it hurt when he peed. there, i said it. it would have been more comfortable if he had been there but he was sick so it is what it is.
tj has been doing his whining about missing me and wanting to see me more frequently and i pretty much just ignore it, which i feel is probably cruel but at the same time, i think if i spent more time with him he'd suck me all the way down again and as bored as i am when im alone now, its way better than listening to tj ramble on about nothing and act like a fourteen year old for most of the day.
i have to go to court tomorrow to appeal an accident i got in two years ago. then im supposed to hang out with tj and THEN im supposed to hang out with dan. so, tomorrow i will be very busy and thankfully i have tomorrow and saturday off so i can do things like that. and saturday of course im hanging out with robbie.
i have to leave for work in an hour but all i want to do is go back to sleep. i think im starting to remember what depression feels like, although i have no good reason to feel so miserable all the time. my mother pointed out all these things i have that should make me less miserable, but they were all things ive come to expect to have; theyre not special. my mother has been pushing me to get into another relationship but i think she's fucking crazy because she knew the reason i broke up with tj was because i DONT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. but she seems to think it will solve all my problems. because she's crazy. im just lonely because i spend so much god damn time with myself because i have so few friends. why im depressed, i dont know, maybe im still mourning the death of my relationship with tj or some weird psycho babble like that. let my psychologist analyze me, i guess.