(no subject)
guilt can be erased by two things. one: confrontation two: ignore it until it goes away. after seventeen hours of crying there had to be a way to end the misery. so i went to his house and we talked and i said everything i wanted to say the day before but couldnt because i was so upset and tj took it really well. i told him i just needed space to be able to figure out what the hell is going on in my life because i become so consumed by whatever guy im with that i start conforming to that persons ideals and he put it perfectly: you need to be annie, not mrs tj *****. exactly. i agreed that talking about moving is premature because i dont go to grad school for at least another year. i also sent him a note (on myspace - geek!) that assured him i dont want to date anyone right now, i need to be with my friends and that i wasnt breaking up with him to jump to another guy and blah blah blah which is true because i dont want to date anyone at all. i dont even really want to have sex with anyone. i just want everyone to go away, kind of.
but he said that as long as im a part of his life and that we still see each other sometimes that its all right with him. and i cried. and then he said he was glad he didnt have to lose his best friend. and then i cried harder. and then he cried. and then we started singing the cure...
we're going to see the ducky boys at tt the bears on the 28th, which is exactly what we did on our first date. we've been planning to go forever so it works out perfectly.
i went to his house after work and watched the rest of the sox game and smoked. then i came home and im drinking a cape cod and i ate some english muffins because i hadnt eaten since yesterday.