Meh...
Never have I kept a journal, not even as a little girl, so I apologize if I dont really end up posting much personal/private info....hope thats ok.
Guess onto a little background info and stats...
Age: 22
Height: 5'4
High Weight: 135lbs (mar. 2007)
Low Weight: 86lbs (oct. 2007)
Goal Weight: 93-95lbs (have to keep a 'sane-ish' weight for ballet.)
Ultimate Goal Weight: 80-85lbs
ED Type: Anorexia-restricting type
Duration: Almost 2 years...
Daily Cal. Limits: 375-500
I started restricting, really restricting, last year after past years of destructive behavior. To my, and everyone else, surprise, I lost the weight rather quickly.
Being a professional ballet dancer, my body is always being inspected; every flaw dissected. You would think that such a career path would be in favor of my weight loss....I guess not. Apparently, 86lbs on a 5'4, medium build girl was just way too extreme. I was given a choice, either gain weight or pack up my pointe shoes and leave. Becoming a professional ballet dancer is, in a lot of ways, harder to make a career out of than modeling. Having worked harder than I ever have, and the amount of time I placed into training, the choice was very clear.
I gained the weight.
No one ever tells you that you will never be the same. There is no website, pro-ed or pro-recovery, that is able to convey the very real fact-that mentally-the person you were before all of this started, is gone. Once the days of strolling through the fields of spring, the cool, brisk wind on your face in autumn as the sun shone warmly on high are no where to be found. Days are no longer measured by experiences, but by numbers, calories, weights. The hours are long and grow longer as they stretch into dawn. Weak with a sour cocktail of starvation and insomnia, we continue to tick away. At our computers, our exercise machines, our note pads-a constant high of detailed note taking.
Yes, eating disorders are a strange state of being.
There was no warning, no plaquared sign as in Dante's Inferno: "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here."
I was never the same. Physically, I was 'fixed', but mentally, I doubt I'll ever be the same.
Ironically, my fiance and I ended up moving and I had to leave my beloved ballet company, alone in a new city, a wasted machine. A mere husk of the person I once was.
Which leaves me here. I am no longer with said paid ballet company and joined a small local company where I now live. Seeing as I start at the end of Aug. I can lose weight and then join without the concerned looks and whispers of those who witnessed a dramatic (and obviously un-healthy) weight loss. If I'm going to be so mentally screwed up, I might as well hate the image I see staring back at me in the mirror at little less.
Guess onto a little background info and stats...
Age: 22
Height: 5'4
High Weight: 135lbs (mar. 2007)
Low Weight: 86lbs (oct. 2007)
Goal Weight: 93-95lbs (have to keep a 'sane-ish' weight for ballet.)
Ultimate Goal Weight: 80-85lbs
ED Type: Anorexia-restricting type
Duration: Almost 2 years...
Daily Cal. Limits: 375-500
I started restricting, really restricting, last year after past years of destructive behavior. To my, and everyone else, surprise, I lost the weight rather quickly.
Being a professional ballet dancer, my body is always being inspected; every flaw dissected. You would think that such a career path would be in favor of my weight loss....I guess not. Apparently, 86lbs on a 5'4, medium build girl was just way too extreme. I was given a choice, either gain weight or pack up my pointe shoes and leave. Becoming a professional ballet dancer is, in a lot of ways, harder to make a career out of than modeling. Having worked harder than I ever have, and the amount of time I placed into training, the choice was very clear.
I gained the weight.
No one ever tells you that you will never be the same. There is no website, pro-ed or pro-recovery, that is able to convey the very real fact-that mentally-the person you were before all of this started, is gone. Once the days of strolling through the fields of spring, the cool, brisk wind on your face in autumn as the sun shone warmly on high are no where to be found. Days are no longer measured by experiences, but by numbers, calories, weights. The hours are long and grow longer as they stretch into dawn. Weak with a sour cocktail of starvation and insomnia, we continue to tick away. At our computers, our exercise machines, our note pads-a constant high of detailed note taking.
Yes, eating disorders are a strange state of being.
There was no warning, no plaquared sign as in Dante's Inferno: "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here."
I was never the same. Physically, I was 'fixed', but mentally, I doubt I'll ever be the same.
Ironically, my fiance and I ended up moving and I had to leave my beloved ballet company, alone in a new city, a wasted machine. A mere husk of the person I once was.
Which leaves me here. I am no longer with said paid ballet company and joined a small local company where I now live. Seeing as I start at the end of Aug. I can lose weight and then join without the concerned looks and whispers of those who witnessed a dramatic (and obviously un-healthy) weight loss. If I'm going to be so mentally screwed up, I might as well hate the image I see staring back at me in the mirror at little less.