dark grey cloudy, bright green leafy day... after day after day
What the fuck is wrong with this damn life?
It's a beautiful day.
Last night I ran around manic {like I do at work} getting my shit together and getting ready in other vague ways, anticipating waking up the next morning at 5:30am, only to sit around until 11{with a 20 minute walk ahead of me} watching other people drink and be merry... and get a bunch of free Jager shit. I got a t-shirt... as well as a bunch of random free cds from one of the really awesome bartenders that works at UNOs {of all places... maybe it's just because those Staples guys go there so much, but the mix cds that those guys put on are pretty fucking awesome}. I really didn't mind, I've woken up at 5:30 before on 2hours of sleep, and am willing to do it if I must if it means human interaction above customer service; but there weren't enough seats, so one person always had to stand, and I think I made things uncomfortable being, not only the only girl {of course} but the only one not getting increasingly intoxicated.
I got to sleep at about 12:30.
Woke up at 5:30.
At work by 7:15.
I don't really know if I'm ready for it to be so nice out. I remember saying not too long ago when the air was still cold, and earth frosted and frozen over, that I was glad it was still winter. That I wanted to be in a certain 'place' by spring. I thought I was there.
And the night before that I went out to Littleton. All the people I never see {for many reasonable and inexplicable reasons}, like a coming into a familar warm room after being in an otherwise drafty and uncomfortable house. After all the complete isolation, silence, artificial company, Finally there were people. Lots of people who are real, and present in every sense of the word, and safe feeling, despite whatever chaos {like a family is probably supposed to be like}. People who actually give a shit about me as opposed to those who are forced to interact with me.
And it was nice. I miss everyone I never see... everyone.
And the reality of something, anything to do after work, people again even {to some extent}, being ripped away with one reasonable request.
1hr?
10...
1030
530
620
715
no one no one no one no one.
fuck....
and now it gets too complicated. Things can't be simple like that anymore.
{The bandit knows, but it can't go further than our own abstract, twisted, native tongue. not anymore, you know... and you know why}
Things are changing and I feel stuck. My worst fear realized.
But it really is a beautiful day, and I don't need to stay home tonight.
Ophelia and then a shower maybe.
It's the weirdest thing. I've cried so much today, but I can't bring myself to be truly, sad at this precise moment.
I feel like that would be unfair somehow.
It's a beautiful day.
Last night I ran around manic {like I do at work} getting my shit together and getting ready in other vague ways, anticipating waking up the next morning at 5:30am, only to sit around until 11{with a 20 minute walk ahead of me} watching other people drink and be merry... and get a bunch of free Jager shit. I got a t-shirt... as well as a bunch of random free cds from one of the really awesome bartenders that works at UNOs {of all places... maybe it's just because those Staples guys go there so much, but the mix cds that those guys put on are pretty fucking awesome}. I really didn't mind, I've woken up at 5:30 before on 2hours of sleep, and am willing to do it if I must if it means human interaction above customer service; but there weren't enough seats, so one person always had to stand, and I think I made things uncomfortable being, not only the only girl {of course} but the only one not getting increasingly intoxicated.
I got to sleep at about 12:30.
Woke up at 5:30.
At work by 7:15.
I don't really know if I'm ready for it to be so nice out. I remember saying not too long ago when the air was still cold, and earth frosted and frozen over, that I was glad it was still winter. That I wanted to be in a certain 'place' by spring. I thought I was there.
And the night before that I went out to Littleton. All the people I never see {for many reasonable and inexplicable reasons}, like a coming into a familar warm room after being in an otherwise drafty and uncomfortable house. After all the complete isolation, silence, artificial company, Finally there were people. Lots of people who are real, and present in every sense of the word, and safe feeling, despite whatever chaos {like a family is probably supposed to be like}. People who actually give a shit about me as opposed to those who are forced to interact with me.
And it was nice. I miss everyone I never see... everyone.
And the reality of something, anything to do after work, people again even {to some extent}, being ripped away with one reasonable request.
1hr?
10...
1030
530
620
715
no one no one no one no one.
fuck....
and now it gets too complicated. Things can't be simple like that anymore.
{The bandit knows, but it can't go further than our own abstract, twisted, native tongue. not anymore, you know... and you know why}
Things are changing and I feel stuck. My worst fear realized.
But it really is a beautiful day, and I don't need to stay home tonight.
Ophelia and then a shower maybe.
It's the weirdest thing. I've cried so much today, but I can't bring myself to be truly, sad at this precise moment.
I feel like that would be unfair somehow.