(no subject)
"What Makes you Stay"
Look at me: I'm in a place I never thought I'd be. I don't have the strength to fight anymore, or a reason not to leave. So tell me why I keep holding on to something I just cannot see. What makes you stay when your world falls apart? What makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart? At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, you still look at him and say, "I just can't walk away." tell me what makes you stay. I'm not afraid of living alone, I was alone before he came. And I've been in love many times before, but this time's not the same. I've always been the first to say goodbye... now it's the last thing I can do. What makes you stay when your world falls apart? What makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart? At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, you still look at him and say, "I just can't walk away, tell me what makes you stay." When it goes this deep, feels this strong, I can't convince myself this love is wrong. At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, you still look at him and say, "I just can't walk away... tell me what makes you stay. Tell me what makes you... stay."
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Entry:
Ever since Barby's death... I haven't wanted much to do with anything.
I don't want to talk about it.
There are no words to express what it feels like for anyone else to have to lose
their big brother, their son, or even...their friend.
What makes me hurt even more is the fact I can't fix Rose...just everytime we talk
she cries. I can't take her pain away...I can't make her stop hurting.
What am I good for?
I can't save anyone, I've tried.
I can't seem to make anyone happy lately...like all my energy is being wasted.
It's not just Barby's death, or Rose's grieving that is affecting me... it's a lot
of other things.
"So Katie, what are you getting me for Mother's day, since you haven't gotten me
anything on my birthday, or Christmas"
"Well since you're not going to finish your school work before May 18th, because
you've fallen behind, just get it done before you leave for Germany."
"You can't go back to Houston next year, they won't accept Gateway credits."
"What the fuck is your problem."
All these words...all of them, I don't want to respond. I want to block it all
out like it's some kind of static noise.
I didn't want to feel like this...but I do, I let Jonathan get to me.I can't do
it anymore...it hurts to have so much I want to say, & knowing my voice won't carry.
I can't speak to him...he always asks me "What's wrong" "What the fuck is wrong
with you" "Seriously, what's the matter"
He asks a lot...he acts like he cares--but if I try to tell him what's wrong...
he doesn't want to hear it or thinks I'm stupid.
How can he say he loves me when he's fucked up but when we're sober he can't
touch me, he rolls his eyes & turns away when I try to kiss him, he acts like
nothing matters to him...but yet he always calls wanting to see me.He says he
loves me when he's fucked up....but he's so ready to leave for MTSU & knows I'll
never be able to see him.
Especaially when I'm gone for 2 weeks out of the country.I can't take it...I don't
want to care about him anymore...it just hurts more than it needs to.
He can't keep me here for no reason...what am I?
Does he care about me...or just like the idea of having someone to come home to.
Why do I keep picking up my phone for him, when I need to just leave him alone...
he's leaving, I can't have anything with him....I can't have a future with him...
I can't have him.
It's like...I'll never know if it could of worked out...because he's leaving.
My heart can't take another person walking out.
I don't think I can even watch him leave.I don't think I need to.
I need too much...I don't know how to deal. I have no answers.
All I want to do is sleep...& forget.I hope my heart can take the changes
that are about to occur...because I'm running out of places to get pierced.
Look at me: I'm in a place I never thought I'd be. I don't have the strength to fight anymore, or a reason not to leave. So tell me why I keep holding on to something I just cannot see. What makes you stay when your world falls apart? What makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart? At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, you still look at him and say, "I just can't walk away." tell me what makes you stay. I'm not afraid of living alone, I was alone before he came. And I've been in love many times before, but this time's not the same. I've always been the first to say goodbye... now it's the last thing I can do. What makes you stay when your world falls apart? What makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart? At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, you still look at him and say, "I just can't walk away, tell me what makes you stay." When it goes this deep, feels this strong, I can't convince myself this love is wrong. At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope, you still look at him and say, "I just can't walk away... tell me what makes you stay. Tell me what makes you... stay."
__________________________________________________
Entry:
Ever since Barby's death... I haven't wanted much to do with anything.
I don't want to talk about it.
There are no words to express what it feels like for anyone else to have to lose
their big brother, their son, or even...their friend.
What makes me hurt even more is the fact I can't fix Rose...just everytime we talk
she cries. I can't take her pain away...I can't make her stop hurting.
What am I good for?
I can't save anyone, I've tried.
I can't seem to make anyone happy lately...like all my energy is being wasted.
It's not just Barby's death, or Rose's grieving that is affecting me... it's a lot
of other things.
"So Katie, what are you getting me for Mother's day, since you haven't gotten me
anything on my birthday, or Christmas"
"Well since you're not going to finish your school work before May 18th, because
you've fallen behind, just get it done before you leave for Germany."
"You can't go back to Houston next year, they won't accept Gateway credits."
"What the fuck is your problem."
All these words...all of them, I don't want to respond. I want to block it all
out like it's some kind of static noise.
I didn't want to feel like this...but I do, I let Jonathan get to me.I can't do
it anymore...it hurts to have so much I want to say, & knowing my voice won't carry.
I can't speak to him...he always asks me "What's wrong" "What the fuck is wrong
with you" "Seriously, what's the matter"
He asks a lot...he acts like he cares--but if I try to tell him what's wrong...
he doesn't want to hear it or thinks I'm stupid.
How can he say he loves me when he's fucked up but when we're sober he can't
touch me, he rolls his eyes & turns away when I try to kiss him, he acts like
nothing matters to him...but yet he always calls wanting to see me.He says he
loves me when he's fucked up....but he's so ready to leave for MTSU & knows I'll
never be able to see him.
Especaially when I'm gone for 2 weeks out of the country.I can't take it...I don't
want to care about him anymore...it just hurts more than it needs to.
He can't keep me here for no reason...what am I?
Does he care about me...or just like the idea of having someone to come home to.
Why do I keep picking up my phone for him, when I need to just leave him alone...
he's leaving, I can't have anything with him....I can't have a future with him...
I can't have him.
It's like...I'll never know if it could of worked out...because he's leaving.
My heart can't take another person walking out.
I don't think I can even watch him leave.I don't think I need to.
I need too much...I don't know how to deal. I have no answers.
All I want to do is sleep...& forget.I hope my heart can take the changes
that are about to occur...because I'm running out of places to get pierced.