oh my
its those hours of the morning/night when im awake and begin to start feeling blue again. I miss my friends...They arent even gone really but I wish they were all with me right now. Cause then we could laugh and poke fun and drink root beer? I actually bought root beer for the first time. I dont often drink rootbeer but I saw it and was like woa I gotta have this! And now everytime I drink it I am severley satisfied with its refreshing taste and smoothness. good times. I actually havnt felt depressed in a while this is good news. I was getting really sick of having real high highs and real low lows. now its just mostly happy and im only sad when i truly need to be. I went swimming tonight! Finally! It was amazing and the most amazing part was that my self confidence wasnt as low as i thought it would be in my bathing suit. I actually felt....attractive..woa strange thought. I didnt feel fat..i did feel pale but ive accepted my paleness. I was nervous about my hair being slicked back..ive almost forgotten what i look like without bangs. oh bangs how i love thee.
Im glad ive revived this journal its nice to type my thoughts out it reminds me of highschool and I put this old Thursday song on my myspace page and everytime i hear it i am 16 again because i listened to that white album i swear everyday when i was 16 and it just brings back a lot of good feelings and bad ones of that stupid boy who broke my 16 year old heart who i still think about but not in a missing fashion in a ill punch you in the face fashion. haha. Ive only gotten my heart broken once and it was by that kid and oh my gosh he broke it bad. i think what broke it the most is that he could care less and even today still cares less. i mean so do i but thats what really hurt now that I think of it. Anyway new subject. I started another livejournal.. Im not going to add any friends on it though or give out the name.
Tomorrow i have to pack up my entire room and move out of this fantastic house where i got treated better that i deserved and that saddens me but i really miss downtown antioch and warm summer nights sitting like 5ft away from the train track on the edge of the wall and watching the trains fly by and covering my ears from the screaming and then trying to find our smashed coins in the dark but usually never finding them and even when we do we're over it in about 2 minutes if not less.
I had this wierd thought today while driving i wondered what it would be like if i were totally coked out and pretty much homeless and i just slept around with all these dudes and then i was known as the coked out lady who sleeps with anyone and then some kid could visit whatever town im in and go home and tell a story about how in this town he went to there was this really coked out lady who was known for sleeping around and she didnt even care it was just the way she lived her life and i got to meet her and she was crazy. haha my mind is insane ive got such a wild imagination,
But I think what it really is, is that I just want people to remember me. I want people to go back home with fond memories of me and tell friends about me and a happy feeling i gave them. I want to leave something behind like a t-shirt or a note and when they find it they smile cause its me and it smells like me and reminds them of me and that makes them happy. I want people to feel that way for me, That just might only be in the movies though but I dont think so cause I know I often feel that for others. im such a sucker for movies. I always try and make my life like a movie. like oh if I do this itll be so like a movie if they react this way. So i do my part the only problem is people dont usually react the way i want them too because we're not in a movie ha.
Im glad ive revived this journal its nice to type my thoughts out it reminds me of highschool and I put this old Thursday song on my myspace page and everytime i hear it i am 16 again because i listened to that white album i swear everyday when i was 16 and it just brings back a lot of good feelings and bad ones of that stupid boy who broke my 16 year old heart who i still think about but not in a missing fashion in a ill punch you in the face fashion. haha. Ive only gotten my heart broken once and it was by that kid and oh my gosh he broke it bad. i think what broke it the most is that he could care less and even today still cares less. i mean so do i but thats what really hurt now that I think of it. Anyway new subject. I started another livejournal.. Im not going to add any friends on it though or give out the name.
Tomorrow i have to pack up my entire room and move out of this fantastic house where i got treated better that i deserved and that saddens me but i really miss downtown antioch and warm summer nights sitting like 5ft away from the train track on the edge of the wall and watching the trains fly by and covering my ears from the screaming and then trying to find our smashed coins in the dark but usually never finding them and even when we do we're over it in about 2 minutes if not less.
I had this wierd thought today while driving i wondered what it would be like if i were totally coked out and pretty much homeless and i just slept around with all these dudes and then i was known as the coked out lady who sleeps with anyone and then some kid could visit whatever town im in and go home and tell a story about how in this town he went to there was this really coked out lady who was known for sleeping around and she didnt even care it was just the way she lived her life and i got to meet her and she was crazy. haha my mind is insane ive got such a wild imagination,
But I think what it really is, is that I just want people to remember me. I want people to go back home with fond memories of me and tell friends about me and a happy feeling i gave them. I want to leave something behind like a t-shirt or a note and when they find it they smile cause its me and it smells like me and reminds them of me and that makes them happy. I want people to feel that way for me, That just might only be in the movies though but I dont think so cause I know I often feel that for others. im such a sucker for movies. I always try and make my life like a movie. like oh if I do this itll be so like a movie if they react this way. So i do my part the only problem is people dont usually react the way i want them too because we're not in a movie ha.