I lost the chance... again.
Today, I woke up with two 'grown' men cursing at each other in Filipino, about something I didn't even bother finding out. I had to finish two papers within this day, and I was keeping many other frustrations inside of me due to the fact that he isn't there to listen to my inner struggles.
I just blew up today.
Adding to my frustrations, after the MCC last Sunday, after all the hugs and the holding of our hands, he ignored me for two days. I felt used, and once gain, it made me feel confused. He doesn't tell me anything, and I am desperate to know what he wants to happen between us after he did those things to me during the convention.
I plurked my frustrations about the matter.
And once again, he left me.
The rant plurk I posted made him very angry.
I explained to him what happened to me that morning and why I was angered by the circumstances. Only then I knew, that he was actually trying to bring back what we had. I knew, once again, too late, that he wanted me back.
Now, I blew that chance again just because of one single plurk.
At the same time, his parents were being naggers that morning as well, hence why his anger as elevated.
Why must God have to make things so hard for us... for me?
I texted him that God only brings forth evil because he wants bring forth something good. I told him also that maybe God is testing us, our bond towards each other. God, I believe is testing especially me, to prove to Mayama that I am very serious about this relationship. God is pushing me even past my emotional limit so that Mayama will be able to see that I'd go through any hardship just be able to hold his hand once again.
I also told Mayama that is my loyalty came with a grade equivalent, it would be a hundred over a hundred, and that no thing or no one could break my loyalty to THAT person I care for the most. I also told him that even if he kept on moving away from me, I'd still look out for him, even though I cannot see him, as long as I know he is there, I'd even break my neck just to be able to get a glimpse of his smile.
I have a question though.
Why is it that it is always my fault?
He also has his own problems too, and he did also, a lot of things that offended me very much. But, I never moved away from him. No matter how hurt I was. I accepted his mistake wholeheartedly. It didn't even cross my mind to move away from him. It was automatic to me, he's just human, he makes mistakes, and I leave it at that.
But how come, I just release my confusion and frustration, and he leaves me with a snap of a finger?
He didn't even notice the plurk after that previous one. It said:
"Ah, how come I cannot stay mad at him? :) He's the one."
I've been feeling that for the past month, everyday, no matter how frustrated I get, that is what I feel.
Why is it that every little thing I do makes him move away from me? Is this God's testing my emotional endurance? How come, when we are already floating the same boat, God always would find a way to split us both apart?
Does he even realize that this ordeal is supposed to bring us closer to each other?
Or is it only me, wishfully thinking that it is the case?
Am I hoping for something that is impossible now?
Does he still... even care for me?
Or does he think I'm just this mother fucking bitch desperate for his affection?
Let me answer the last question. Desperation is not the term for what I am doing. It's devotion. I do not write his name on my notebook, I do not put his picture on my wallpaper. I'd rather keep our pictures together in my phone, so that I may look at it from time to time to feel inspired. There is this connection I feel inside me, that won't go away. With my past relationships, I easily let them go, for in the depths of my existence, I could see that our bond wasn't as strong.
But to him, it is totally different.
I cannot even comprehend it.
Why is he so special to me that I cannot seem to let go of him no matter how many times he made me feel so high, and back down low again?
I never liked roller coasters, but I am currently in one. Riding on it for more than a month already. It's sickening yet, exciting. As long as he is the one making me feel this nausceous, I don't mind. It is him anyway.
Oh, how I wish he could read this.
I want him to know my sincerity of acquiring what he wants to happen to the both of us. Circumstances made things seem different than it normally should.
I regret.
But the memories left last Sunday affected me so much, it led to the instant confusion as mentioned earlier.
Maybe I was so in a hurry that it drove me crazy.
For once, I analyzed the situation wrongly.
I wish he would give this another chance, and that there were just circumstances in both sides of the party that led to more negative feelings that weren't meant to be there.
Believe it or not, I still have hope in this.
Big Guns Upstairs is just pushing me, and possibly, also him, past our limits.
Doesn't it just prove that we are meant for each other that there is always something wrong going on when we are about to completely reconcile? I would like to think of it that way. The circumstances just blend so alike each other that I find it amusing now.
God is playing all of his cards on both of us, just to prove that after this ordeal, a pseudo-paradise will be brought out.
Isn't that what he did with Adam and Eve?
Adam got angry due to Eve's temptation.
They still ended up together, right?
It's just me, being tempted by the serpent, represented by those who were punching each other outside, and shouting at the same time. I presented this temptation to you, and you yourself got frustrated.
I'm looking at God in a Theological way, not in the religious way. Theology has it's good sides after all. Good thing I still listen even with all the ruckus going on in my life.
I would like to ask Mayama though...
"Would you still consider continuing what we have already started to build once again?"
I do not want to leave roads left under constructed like how the corrupt Philippine officials do it.
As what our current President would say, "Kasama mo ako sa pagbabago."
I just blew up today.
Adding to my frustrations, after the MCC last Sunday, after all the hugs and the holding of our hands, he ignored me for two days. I felt used, and once gain, it made me feel confused. He doesn't tell me anything, and I am desperate to know what he wants to happen between us after he did those things to me during the convention.
I plurked my frustrations about the matter.
And once again, he left me.
The rant plurk I posted made him very angry.
I explained to him what happened to me that morning and why I was angered by the circumstances. Only then I knew, that he was actually trying to bring back what we had. I knew, once again, too late, that he wanted me back.
Now, I blew that chance again just because of one single plurk.
At the same time, his parents were being naggers that morning as well, hence why his anger as elevated.
Why must God have to make things so hard for us... for me?
I texted him that God only brings forth evil because he wants bring forth something good. I told him also that maybe God is testing us, our bond towards each other. God, I believe is testing especially me, to prove to Mayama that I am very serious about this relationship. God is pushing me even past my emotional limit so that Mayama will be able to see that I'd go through any hardship just be able to hold his hand once again.
I also told Mayama that is my loyalty came with a grade equivalent, it would be a hundred over a hundred, and that no thing or no one could break my loyalty to THAT person I care for the most. I also told him that even if he kept on moving away from me, I'd still look out for him, even though I cannot see him, as long as I know he is there, I'd even break my neck just to be able to get a glimpse of his smile.
I have a question though.
Why is it that it is always my fault?
He also has his own problems too, and he did also, a lot of things that offended me very much. But, I never moved away from him. No matter how hurt I was. I accepted his mistake wholeheartedly. It didn't even cross my mind to move away from him. It was automatic to me, he's just human, he makes mistakes, and I leave it at that.
But how come, I just release my confusion and frustration, and he leaves me with a snap of a finger?
He didn't even notice the plurk after that previous one. It said:
"Ah, how come I cannot stay mad at him? :) He's the one."
I've been feeling that for the past month, everyday, no matter how frustrated I get, that is what I feel.
Why is it that every little thing I do makes him move away from me? Is this God's testing my emotional endurance? How come, when we are already floating the same boat, God always would find a way to split us both apart?
Does he even realize that this ordeal is supposed to bring us closer to each other?
Or is it only me, wishfully thinking that it is the case?
Am I hoping for something that is impossible now?
Does he still... even care for me?
Or does he think I'm just this mother fucking bitch desperate for his affection?
Let me answer the last question. Desperation is not the term for what I am doing. It's devotion. I do not write his name on my notebook, I do not put his picture on my wallpaper. I'd rather keep our pictures together in my phone, so that I may look at it from time to time to feel inspired. There is this connection I feel inside me, that won't go away. With my past relationships, I easily let them go, for in the depths of my existence, I could see that our bond wasn't as strong.
But to him, it is totally different.
I cannot even comprehend it.
Why is he so special to me that I cannot seem to let go of him no matter how many times he made me feel so high, and back down low again?
I never liked roller coasters, but I am currently in one. Riding on it for more than a month already. It's sickening yet, exciting. As long as he is the one making me feel this nausceous, I don't mind. It is him anyway.
Oh, how I wish he could read this.
I want him to know my sincerity of acquiring what he wants to happen to the both of us. Circumstances made things seem different than it normally should.
I regret.
But the memories left last Sunday affected me so much, it led to the instant confusion as mentioned earlier.
Maybe I was so in a hurry that it drove me crazy.
For once, I analyzed the situation wrongly.
I wish he would give this another chance, and that there were just circumstances in both sides of the party that led to more negative feelings that weren't meant to be there.
Believe it or not, I still have hope in this.
Big Guns Upstairs is just pushing me, and possibly, also him, past our limits.
Doesn't it just prove that we are meant for each other that there is always something wrong going on when we are about to completely reconcile? I would like to think of it that way. The circumstances just blend so alike each other that I find it amusing now.
God is playing all of his cards on both of us, just to prove that after this ordeal, a pseudo-paradise will be brought out.
Isn't that what he did with Adam and Eve?
Adam got angry due to Eve's temptation.
They still ended up together, right?
It's just me, being tempted by the serpent, represented by those who were punching each other outside, and shouting at the same time. I presented this temptation to you, and you yourself got frustrated.
I'm looking at God in a Theological way, not in the religious way. Theology has it's good sides after all. Good thing I still listen even with all the ruckus going on in my life.
I would like to ask Mayama though...
"Would you still consider continuing what we have already started to build once again?"
I do not want to leave roads left under constructed like how the corrupt Philippine officials do it.
As what our current President would say, "Kasama mo ako sa pagbabago."