(no subject)
There was a dead gourami in my fish tank today. I think it was my favorite of them. This saddens me, as everyone seemed healthy, and in fact they do still today. I'll have to test the water toxicity, but it shouldn't be bad I don't think.
So, last month I had a bad spell. A flare of temper followed by crying jags and frustration. I was a bit worried by the swiftness of the emotional boiling point. I've been getting crying jags and flares of over-loaded emotion from time to time, so I thought I'd ask the doctor if he could help out with some emergency "calm the fuck down" pills. I figured if I had just three in my cabinet, I'd be ok. I'd know I had a rope to grab. Instead he told me to talk to the therapist and ran some tests on my hormones.
The tests came back as "normal." I tried to tell him my blood pressure was elevated by MY body norms, but since it was still well within normal range he didn't figure there was anything to worry about there. I tried to point out the fairly rapid weight gain of late, and he countered that the BMI was only a little over accepted norms and that recent studies indicated that meant a lower risk of heart disease, and then suggested a "Mediterranean diet" because other studies show it also reduces the risk of heart attack. I did not point out that a woman who normally has a blood pressure as low as mine typically is and whose cholesterol at last test is as low as mine is tends to have little to fear from heart failure. I was still in the midst of my attack of anxiety and frustration, and as so often happens at those moments I just heard "I am not going to help you, you must muddle through on your own. Only help you'll get here is someone to talk to."
So, I visited the therapist for a bit, talked a bit, and headed home with a fresh sense of annoyance. I mean really, I wasn't asking for a life time prescription. Just a couple "throw me a rope" pills in case I had another day where I threw my chair at the wall and screamed at the computer, or gave serious consideration to the idea of quitting my job and running away to hike the AT. Since I wasn't getting that, I'd have to find something else to serve as an anchor rope for my free-climb.
A week later the hormones from that cycle finished raging through. I considered my options. Top of the line to be dealt with, the creeping weight. If I got that down I'd feel physically better. That should help my mood.
That decided, I started counting calories. I've lost weight already, and already I feel physically better. This has, so far, improved my mood.
Next thing. Admit something I'm truly angry about.
I admit I am truly angry still over my most recent ex's timing in telling me the relationship wasn't working for him and had no future. I'm equally angry at myself for not throwing him the fuck out of my house right then and there. I mean seriously, he couldn't have waited a few more days, he had to tell me a few hours AFTER I told him I'd just found out about an entire section of my family being killed? I think I'm allowed to be angry about that. Very. Angry.
I'm not sure what my next step is going to be, but I'll work it out eventually. I know what it isn't though. It isn't learning self reliance. Seems that's the one thing I'm best at.
So, last month I had a bad spell. A flare of temper followed by crying jags and frustration. I was a bit worried by the swiftness of the emotional boiling point. I've been getting crying jags and flares of over-loaded emotion from time to time, so I thought I'd ask the doctor if he could help out with some emergency "calm the fuck down" pills. I figured if I had just three in my cabinet, I'd be ok. I'd know I had a rope to grab. Instead he told me to talk to the therapist and ran some tests on my hormones.
The tests came back as "normal." I tried to tell him my blood pressure was elevated by MY body norms, but since it was still well within normal range he didn't figure there was anything to worry about there. I tried to point out the fairly rapid weight gain of late, and he countered that the BMI was only a little over accepted norms and that recent studies indicated that meant a lower risk of heart disease, and then suggested a "Mediterranean diet" because other studies show it also reduces the risk of heart attack. I did not point out that a woman who normally has a blood pressure as low as mine typically is and whose cholesterol at last test is as low as mine is tends to have little to fear from heart failure. I was still in the midst of my attack of anxiety and frustration, and as so often happens at those moments I just heard "I am not going to help you, you must muddle through on your own. Only help you'll get here is someone to talk to."
So, I visited the therapist for a bit, talked a bit, and headed home with a fresh sense of annoyance. I mean really, I wasn't asking for a life time prescription. Just a couple "throw me a rope" pills in case I had another day where I threw my chair at the wall and screamed at the computer, or gave serious consideration to the idea of quitting my job and running away to hike the AT. Since I wasn't getting that, I'd have to find something else to serve as an anchor rope for my free-climb.
A week later the hormones from that cycle finished raging through. I considered my options. Top of the line to be dealt with, the creeping weight. If I got that down I'd feel physically better. That should help my mood.
That decided, I started counting calories. I've lost weight already, and already I feel physically better. This has, so far, improved my mood.
Next thing. Admit something I'm truly angry about.
I admit I am truly angry still over my most recent ex's timing in telling me the relationship wasn't working for him and had no future. I'm equally angry at myself for not throwing him the fuck out of my house right then and there. I mean seriously, he couldn't have waited a few more days, he had to tell me a few hours AFTER I told him I'd just found out about an entire section of my family being killed? I think I'm allowed to be angry about that. Very. Angry.
I'm not sure what my next step is going to be, but I'll work it out eventually. I know what it isn't though. It isn't learning self reliance. Seems that's the one thing I'm best at.