I was so busy enjoying being young I forgot that I'm growing up
Dan and I have been together over four years. We made it through a ton of bullshit at the beginning. Our families are so different, we're from different backgrounds, not right for each other, etc. When you're in love these things don't matter so we had two solid years of "honeymoon phase" before we settled into a life together. Fighting sucks, but it never really got in the way until the last year. We had a huge falling out and made it through, still together on the other side. Really happy, completely in love. But now it's getting to the point where I have to decide whether to look forward to a future and compromise a few things about myself to be with him. I'm having a big "is he worth it" dilemma and it's starting to be less a thought in the back of my mind and more a decision I feel I have to make.
Until now I've just been enjoying being young and in love. I had faith that he'd decide whether to pick a technical career or go back to school or decide on SOMETHING regarding his future. Turns out he really just doesn't care about it. The other option is to hang in there and let him figure it out at his own pace. What if it takes him until we're 30 or later? I don't want to push him, it's his life, but what if I want it to be our future, not just his?
I was never one of those little girls who imagined getting married and played wedding. I thought about becoming a doctor or a publisher or a fashion designer or whatever I could dream up. I now have a clearer idea of what I want, my dreams are pretty achievable. I want to get this degree that I can parlay into a variety of careers, all I'd be happy doing, some I'd LOVE doing, a dog, to own a home (condo, house, bungalow, apartment, whatever), have a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am, maybe kids if that's what the I want when I'm older, a retirement fund, savings for emergencies, travel, stimulating activities like movies, ballet, concerts, plays, frisbee golf, reading... a great sex life, a dependable car, and pretty clothes and accessories because that's how I express myself.
I don't love Dan for what he could be. I love him period and hate that he might waste his potential, but won't love him any less if he doesn't go for a big, lofty dream. If he became an electrician, plumber, landscaper, anything to contribute to bills that he might find a way to have fun doing, I'd be fine. As long as he contributes to the income, I don't really care what he's doing. I just want him to be happy because he makes me happy. I thought my idea of a perfect relationship is one where the two people in it are there because it makes them happier than any other possibly could. One in which both people support each other in their dreams, help each other become better people, and love them for even the things they hate about themselves. None of that has anything to do with money, location, lifestyle, or background.
Now it seems all I can think about is how much I love Dan, but how much I'd have to compromise to be with him. If he finds something he loves to do and applies his amazing work ethic to it and manages to make a lot of money doing it then I have nothing to worry about but our differing points of view. However, if he keeps going the way he is today, what will I have to look forward to? A wonderful man I always have fun with, who loves me for who I am, even the weird things he doesn't understand and just accepts; an amazing sex life, our great kitty, a dog probably, stimulating activities that limits the type of concerts, plays, and sports, but still fun ones; debt, bad credit, broken cars, bills not getting paid on time, being the main breadwinner, holding most of the responsibility a partner would normally help with, having to be a hardass/"the bad guy" to get any adult decision involving both of us made... If I compromise a few key lifestyle dreams I have, and a few personal points of view/beliefs that are so so hard for anyone to change, will it be worth it? Is he worth it is the real question here. If I change who I am for him, if I change the way I dream to a future of compromise to be with the one I love, will I be asking myself "why did I do this?" in a few years?
If I get married, I want it to be forever. I don't want to get divorced. Well, no one really wants to get divorced when they're thinking about marriage, but some people are more accepting of the idea.
Turns out love isn't enough and the only things I'm not questioning is whether he, the man himself, will make me happy and our love. I have faith in the fact that I love him and he loves me and have only had to question it once. No matter how many things go wrong, the love is always there, too strong to ignore. But what about the rest? Can I be happy with the compromise? Will I just have to put my trust in love and let it take care of me? Can he take care of me? I know I can take care of myself, but that doesn't help when you trust someone else with your emotions. Then you're giving them the chance to step in and take care of some for you.
Does it make me a snob to want creature comforts? Since when is financial stability a creature comfort? I thought it was just a standard. How come I feel arrogant and like I'm the asshole who can't be satisfied with what she has even though it won't lead to much that I want?
When does being selfish become less about self-preservation and more about being self-involved?
Who the fuck knows, I just had to let all that out before I exploded. Maybe now that it's out of me I can process the next step more clearly. I have tried just letting the universe take me where it wants on this excellent journey, but my new-age-philosophy-style tolerance may have run out.
This has also been an incredibly shitty day at work. Damn crazy Willy Street customers.
This may have to be a Samantha Jones decision of, "I love you, but I love me more."
Until now I've just been enjoying being young and in love. I had faith that he'd decide whether to pick a technical career or go back to school or decide on SOMETHING regarding his future. Turns out he really just doesn't care about it. The other option is to hang in there and let him figure it out at his own pace. What if it takes him until we're 30 or later? I don't want to push him, it's his life, but what if I want it to be our future, not just his?
I was never one of those little girls who imagined getting married and played wedding. I thought about becoming a doctor or a publisher or a fashion designer or whatever I could dream up. I now have a clearer idea of what I want, my dreams are pretty achievable. I want to get this degree that I can parlay into a variety of careers, all I'd be happy doing, some I'd LOVE doing, a dog, to own a home (condo, house, bungalow, apartment, whatever), have a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am, maybe kids if that's what the I want when I'm older, a retirement fund, savings for emergencies, travel, stimulating activities like movies, ballet, concerts, plays, frisbee golf, reading... a great sex life, a dependable car, and pretty clothes and accessories because that's how I express myself.
I don't love Dan for what he could be. I love him period and hate that he might waste his potential, but won't love him any less if he doesn't go for a big, lofty dream. If he became an electrician, plumber, landscaper, anything to contribute to bills that he might find a way to have fun doing, I'd be fine. As long as he contributes to the income, I don't really care what he's doing. I just want him to be happy because he makes me happy. I thought my idea of a perfect relationship is one where the two people in it are there because it makes them happier than any other possibly could. One in which both people support each other in their dreams, help each other become better people, and love them for even the things they hate about themselves. None of that has anything to do with money, location, lifestyle, or background.
Now it seems all I can think about is how much I love Dan, but how much I'd have to compromise to be with him. If he finds something he loves to do and applies his amazing work ethic to it and manages to make a lot of money doing it then I have nothing to worry about but our differing points of view. However, if he keeps going the way he is today, what will I have to look forward to? A wonderful man I always have fun with, who loves me for who I am, even the weird things he doesn't understand and just accepts; an amazing sex life, our great kitty, a dog probably, stimulating activities that limits the type of concerts, plays, and sports, but still fun ones; debt, bad credit, broken cars, bills not getting paid on time, being the main breadwinner, holding most of the responsibility a partner would normally help with, having to be a hardass/"the bad guy" to get any adult decision involving both of us made... If I compromise a few key lifestyle dreams I have, and a few personal points of view/beliefs that are so so hard for anyone to change, will it be worth it? Is he worth it is the real question here. If I change who I am for him, if I change the way I dream to a future of compromise to be with the one I love, will I be asking myself "why did I do this?" in a few years?
If I get married, I want it to be forever. I don't want to get divorced. Well, no one really wants to get divorced when they're thinking about marriage, but some people are more accepting of the idea.
Turns out love isn't enough and the only things I'm not questioning is whether he, the man himself, will make me happy and our love. I have faith in the fact that I love him and he loves me and have only had to question it once. No matter how many things go wrong, the love is always there, too strong to ignore. But what about the rest? Can I be happy with the compromise? Will I just have to put my trust in love and let it take care of me? Can he take care of me? I know I can take care of myself, but that doesn't help when you trust someone else with your emotions. Then you're giving them the chance to step in and take care of some for you.
Does it make me a snob to want creature comforts? Since when is financial stability a creature comfort? I thought it was just a standard. How come I feel arrogant and like I'm the asshole who can't be satisfied with what she has even though it won't lead to much that I want?
When does being selfish become less about self-preservation and more about being self-involved?
Who the fuck knows, I just had to let all that out before I exploded. Maybe now that it's out of me I can process the next step more clearly. I have tried just letting the universe take me where it wants on this excellent journey, but my new-age-philosophy-style tolerance may have run out.
This has also been an incredibly shitty day at work. Damn crazy Willy Street customers.
This may have to be a Samantha Jones decision of, "I love you, but I love me more."