(no subject)
everything i’m dying to tell you
is everything i wish you'd say.
GOD. This is so hard. I wish, for once, something in my life could be easy, simple. but no. I usually strive to be in difficult situations, because I feel that much more proud of myself when I over come them. but this...why can't it just be easy? I wish you would just come to me and ask me what I'm feeling. I wish you ALREADY KNEW. I wish I didn't have to tell you. I wish I didn't have to break your heart. It seems like that is the best thing to do though. Even if he doesn't want me back...I can't be happy with someone, if I'm not happy with myself first. I can't give you 100% of me, if he still has 99%. Its not fair to you, and its not fair to me. I must be a really great actor because it doesnt seem like you even notice. HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE?! I feel like I'm dying inside...wanting to scream at the top of my lungs that i don't love you the way i love him. I do love you. let me make that perfectly clear...I DO LOVE YOU. Just not the same way, or as much, or in the same capacity that I love him. I love you the way I loved israel. You were there...and comfortable, and you knew the right things to say...to win me over at the right time. but now that you have me...all of that is gone. i remember the text you sent me...that said "you are so amazingly beautiful"....where is that now?! you never say it anymore. we've only been dating for 3 months...and already...its gone.
I knew I made the mistake the moment i let him leave that night. that night out on my pool deck, all i had to do was jump up and run into his arms and tell him how stupid i was and beg him to give me another chance. but i let every one get in my head and tell me he wasnt right for me...and because i was scared of losing my family again, like i did with israel, i did what they told me to do. I let them decide for me. How...HOOWWWW could i have been so fucking stupid!?!?!?
Everything happens for a reason...and what's meant to be, will be. those are two quotes that I LIVE BY...and i want whats meant to be...to be RIGHT NOW. I don't think I can go another day without him in my life. I can't do it. It breaks my heart every morning when i wake up, and i don't have the usual "good morning beautiful, call me when you wake up" text that i used to get.
I miss you. I love you.