April 2011 -- 7; The Chariot
We understand there are times for resting, times for plodding, and times for times for charging a head
and we honor all three. We also don't ignore the rest of our lives because we're concentrating on the goal.
We remember the need for balance.
March started with the big collection and transition of fiction from all my desperate places to my Fanfiction.net and AO3 accounts. I bought the teeniest tarot deck in the world, and the hilarious Amazon-Twilight thing happen. I broke my Kindle, and Earl replaced it, as a surprise birthday gift, three weeks early and upgraded.
I planned a grand tea party outing for my birthday which would come in early May. April was also the month that I first showed signs of not-writing, of weeks where there were more Twitter collection posts than posts written by me.
A picture with the cuddlebug, Simon, Earl's cat
My relationship was calmer, moving toward better most of the time, with move-outs and dating considerations. I wrote about how 'Hope' was a pseudonym that was never supposed to be a name, about why it happened and how everything had up until then. I was finally in a balanced place to look at all I'd gone through with them.
The last weeks of April were the shakiest, not because of bad things but, because I knew then and wouldn't let myself believe what was coming next. I had conversations with close friends about the fault line in my relationship with its past three and half months. There was a trip, of course, as well. But even more climactically there was RCG's spring retreat.
I took control and made a final, definitive choice. At six months from Detroit's trip, I decided it was time, to send out from my life that which continued only to hurt it and ignore it. But there will be more on that in May's entry, for the choice happened in the last days of April but the ritual itself on the Sunday that started May.
Words that persist from entries across the month,
Billy Jean is not my love (she is just a girl)
As with all my love, in contradiction with my life.
I bring Adi Shakti into my heart,
that I might speak with the voice
that dared birth All-Things.
I will be free.
~*~
Closing Thoughts
The Chariot is about seeing and feeling the balance of everything around you. It's about The Horses who are directed, the action of the leads Direction, and The Rider who controls and is in the reactionary state. And it did happen a lot. I felt more like a boat than a chariot, really. I was standing floating on the water.
Feeling which directions it leaned to right or left. Finally setting myself to seeing all the dominoes before me, the ways people were acting, reaction, how my friends felt. And looking back, before the end of the year, this was the month I felt most balance, most certain of what I needed to do, in my wants to be free and in actions it would take to get there.
The Emperor and Strength class happened, which was so moving, but I was quite beyond being able to talk about it. I never did get to talk about magic and the magical classes this year, because I always saw the truth so clearly at them. Who I was, what was happening to me. But this month especially was about this class. The Emperor's participial protections, Strength's gentility and faith. Cutting off diseased limbs that threatened the life of the tree.
I had so much hope then, and the quiet choking fear, about May, that never could make words, that I spent every day telling myself I was wrong about, to convince myself all the changes and choppy water of May, coming, were simply childish fears of change, itself, and not observant knowledge about known behavior.