November 2010 -- 13, Death
Between waves of sadness and hurt, let in as much light as possible.
I worked away dutifully at the About Me Meme trying to hold on the strings of my mind, through the fifth and sixth busy weekends, and i didn't write a lot because I felt like I was down under ice with all my stuff. There was the visit to see my Grandmother for the first time in years. Out of time, I put up pictures of Rennfaire with Earl's family far after the event.
There was, also, giving up my only originally free weekend in the six to Hope. I knew I shouldn't have as I did it, and I don't regret that choice to spend time with her, which can't be said entirely of other choices made during it. But there's my learning curve for myself to myself.
There was massive game bleed going on through all the busy weeks as Millisparkle finally was in the last few weeks countdown of melting my brain finishing book two. And all the stress everywhere -- relationship, game, job, holidays -- culminated in cuddle times at RCG plans for Chakra Review and gratitude posting.
The middle of the month took a serious hard swerve, as I lost kraft job two, had a deeply wonderful RCG weekend event, which had dominoes choices made that then promptly lost... something. I haven't figure out what yet. It's still nowhere near as much, or nearly as important, as things I found. But it would be the impetus to turning my world inside-out and upside-down for a while.
But you have to believe you had something to actually lose it.
RCG had its special event, which directly led to my stepping onto council (and discovering a new joy!). I finished Five Elements through Five Sense in Water and was amid my glorious Gold Month. I started working Ariadne's Thread with my group, and got a little sick during this month, I remember, too.
November being November, there was food, books, movies, and normal things abounding. It was the time of Christmas Card posts, Yuletide sign-ups/assignments, Thanksgiving celebrations and the beginning of Yule/Christmas everything. And the grand joy of my first two phases of dental work.
A poem so befitting this month and its card:
Continuities
by Walt Whitman
Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,
No birth, identity, form-no object of the world.
Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;
Appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.
Ample are time and space-ample the fields of Nature.
The body, sluggish, aged, cold-the embers left from earlier fires,
The light in the eye grown dim, shall duly flame again;
The sun now low in the west rises for mornings and for noons continual;
To frozen clods ever the spring's invisible law returns,
With grass and flowers and summer fruits and corn.
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Alone - in moments of prayer or meditation, or simply in stillness - we breathe more deeply, see more fully, hear more keenly. We notice more, and in the process, we return to what is sacred.
~ Katrina Kenison
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Love does not consider itself a sacrifice, only a gift
-- Gold Month
~*~
This month was definitely about the sword slicing things away. The death and the pain of the loss, and the phoenix rising from those ashes with sudden, breathtaking brightness. All the stress from six weeks traveling, job losing, choices made by me and near me. The lot that sent me to being in my bed, not even wanting to game during all that time.
And the brilliance. Family's drawn together (both traveling to see them and coming together for holidays), forgiving myself for the mistakes that I made, and RCG coming home to my heart, with my biggest choice for this community yet. Embracing, pushing the petals open, and walking into the light to work for magical world of others.
I'm learning so much with writing up all these months. One of my greater issues of December is becoming lighter and more understandable as I look across these so far eleven months (twelve tomorrow), where I can watch the steady progression of the exact same sensations, actions, and thoughts quietly growing across the last six months of my year's postings.