May 2010 -- 7; The Chariot
We understand there are times for resting, times for plodding, and times for times for charging a head
and we honor all three. We also don't ignore the rest of our lives because we're concentrating on the goal.
We remember the need for balance.
May was kicked off with a fantastic assortment of things. I started Picture-A-Day-May and ran it all month, letting people in on a number of nifty things. References to Hope. Things about my past and future.
My father reappeared in my life this month, long enough to ask what I wanted for my birthday and then vanished before even fulfilling it. At the same time I was still floundering to my way with the intense work from Billy and Korea. Oh, love.
The Tiniest Filter was born to handle so much flailing and fall out, between myself and Korea and Billy and Hope. Which were hopelessly knotted then. But I knew where things were going then. The way the path always clears.
Even as I was unready. Even as I supported her fears and justifications.
There was too much to fit the word nothing on either side already by then.
Like watching the water part for where you spend the next long time walking.
I was born of the wind and water and waves
You want to know what's scary sometimes?
When maybe you're in exactly the right place.
There was so much more work on myself, finding my voice, opening up everything locked inside of me, linking my hands with others. Tony moved out this month and I seriously thought there'd been more fanfare to it, but there wasn't.
Falling back into flush with RCG, where a woman told me I was myself, but was nothing like the me who left. I remember how proud and scared I was of that, all at once. I dedicated to Air for a year this month, and continued to work with Lady Red & Green in earnest. Another of my groups fell apart completely and finally, in my admitting it.
The best quote among May's many -- "I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart's
affections, and the truth of the Imagination."
-- John Keats
~*~
This years' Chariot was not the same as last years' Chariot. Whereas last year was about smoothness and flushing out the things you hold yourself within. This year was about the Chariot itself, that which you stand on, that which you hold, and the fact the Charioteer is not the name of the card. It is not the piece In Action.
The Chariot was so much about foundation in May.
It was about digging up the carpet on the wounded parts of me. It was about getting my fingers dirty in the work I missed between my heart and my soul, tramping in the forest. It was about saying goodbye to groups that had fallen away, and reopening myself to ones that asked no more of me than I was ready to give at any time. It was about figuring out if my heart could deal with Billy and Hope, at the same time.
It was about learning to balance, and how to give direction, and having to hold on while those in the active seat took it. Learning to rely and trust them to listen, to hear, to communicate back and still move forward. That balance in-between all the actions as the foundations were shifting.