repeat to myself:

[wandering_rain]

this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.
this is not your fault. do not let it bother you.

13 years. 7 month. 13 days.
then this nightmare will be over.
finally.