Outside the dorms, Monday morning

[walter_n_wires]

After waking up with Nadia and the uncomfortable discussion that had followed, Walter took Pup outside to get some fresh air and try to clear his head, despite the wet weather. He was back to tossing the fanged frisbee for Pup and watching the little hound yap and chase it.

 

After last week's talk with English Peter, Seras realized that she hadn't played a good game of football in ages. She knew that if she didn't want to embarrass herself, she'd better get some practise in.

She handwavily signed a football out from the gym and made her way outside to find an open space to practise in before her Arts and Crafts workshop began.

Spying two familiar figures, she waved and trotted over, the ball tucked underneath her arm.

"Morning!" 
 

Walter tried not to wince and tossed the frisbee in her direction. It floated toward her, snarling along the way. Please let him not say anything stupid to Seras, too.

Pup chased the frisbee because it was heading toward that nice girl anyway. 
 

A huge grin spread across Seras' face at the sight of Pup scampering towards her, and she completely failed to notice that the frisbee sailing towards her was growling like a rabid dingo.

She kneeled down and opened up her arms to the little hellpuppy.

"Hey you! It's been ages! Did you miss me?" 
 

Pup totally forgot the frisbee when there was a human who was so happy to see him. He jumped into her arms and started eagerly licking her face.

"I'd take that as a yes," Walter said, walking over to join them. 
 

The force of Pup's leaping into her arms caused Seras to skid on the dewey grass. She landed right on her backside.

Between Pup's attentions and the damp ground, she was getting thouroughly soaked. She didn't mind, however, and dissolved into laughter as she stroked and fussed over Pup. 
 

"Nobody else is as delighted to see Pup as you always are," Walter observed, smiling.

Pup also knew it and loved the nice girl for it. 
 

Seras laughed with him, then smiled down at Pup.

"I'm not sure what it is about him," she said, "I think maybe it was just the way I found him that Friday. He looked so completely lost..."

Seras trailed off and stopped for two reasons. Firstly, because she realised that one reason she felt such affection for Pup was that the way she'd first seen him, lost and on his own, had in a small way reminded her of her own situation. Secondly, because referring to That Weekend was a definite foot in the mouth move. Something she'd promised herself she was going to stop doing with Walter.

"Besides," she said, recovering, "It's impossible not to adore someone who's always so glad to see you." 
 

That Friday. Time and his friends' acceptance was helping, but he still didn't like thinking about That Weekend.

He took the redirection gratefully. "Be grateful I'm strict with him. Otherwise he might be happy to see most people in a toothier way." 
 

Seras furrowed her brow.

"What do you mean?" 
 
"He's a hellhound," Walter answered, shrugging. "He's a small version of a creature that generally spends its time tearing things apart." Tearing people apart.  

Seras glanced over at Walter and lifted Pup's wiggling form up in her hands.

"You've told me this before," she said, "It's not that I don't think what you're saying is true, but..." 
 

Pup whined and wriggled more, tail moving in a blur of happy motion.

Walter shrugged again, "But you can't put that together with what you see there? I can understand that." 
 

Hearing Pup's whine, Seras eased her grip and cradled him closer, gently stroking the little dog's back.

"You can?" she asked, looking up at Walter, "But, how is that? I mean, I'd have thought you of all people would think I was...just being..."

She trailed of, looking for the right word, then finally shrugged and mumbled, "...Stupid." 
 

"Look at him," Walter said. "Other than the extra eyes and a tendency to sound as though he has a pack of hounds for backup, he acts like something completely harmless."

He shrugged. "I just assume anyone who thinks he's harmless is ignorant, not stupid." 
 

"Ignorant..."

Seras sighed and stroked Pup some more.

"You know, that's something I should really work on fixing if I'm going to keep my promise to you." 
 
"I suppose so." Walter watched Pup and Seras together, pushing away his niggling doubts about her and Alucard. "I'm not sure where to start. Silver, especially blessed silver, is your best bet when fighting a vampire. Not that a human should ever be getting into hand-to-hand combat with a vampire. Always take every advantage you can get."  

Every advantage...

"Is Pup an advantage? Is that why you kept him, despite the fact that he's not harmless?" 
 
"No, that's not why I keep him. He's not really an advantage, I just like him and he reminds me of Alucard." Walter blinked. He hadn't meant to be quite so unequivocal about that answer. It was happening again. 

Seras nodded.

"You said Pup was Alucard's familiar, right? Are they very alike?"

She scritched the hellpuppy between his ears. 
 
"I think they only thing they have in common other than drinking blood is a fondness for sticking things on spikes and maybe a fondness for me." Walter frowned internally. Why couldn't this just stop? 

A fondness for...oookay...

"Walter, Alucard sent you Pup. Who, if I understand your explanation, is essentially a...a piece of himself. Why would you think there's any 'maybe' about his being fond of you?" 
 
"Because when I arrived here, I started seeing Victor. Victor told me to choose, and I chose him and I broke things off with Alucard. I don't think you break with Vlad Dracula and have him take it well."  

"But...he left you Pup. And, Pup's a part of him, and he still likes you. So, I mean, it stands to reason..."

Seras was too busy mentally digesting the whole 'Vlad Dracula' thing to really address it. 
 

"Or he's just trying to keep me in line," Walter said, voicing a suspicion he'd been keeping to himself. "I don't understand his motivations." Why Alucard brought her home remains a mystery to me.

Shut up! 
 
"Have you asked him?"  
"No. I'll see him when I go home. I'm sure we'll talk then."  

Seras nodded and continued to stroke Pup.

"When are you going back?" 
 

"I'm not sure. Arthur keeps being coy about it. I thought it would be this month, but now it's 'later, later, we need more intelligence.'"

He watched Pup and thought about what Seras had said about the hellpuppy's feelings perhaps reflecting Alucard's. If that were the case... Why Alucard brought her home remains a mystery to me.

I said shut the hell up! 
 

Seras observed Walter as he watched his little pet.

"Do you feel okay about going on a mission with Alucard? Are you worried about it?" 
 

"I'm not worried about the mission," Walter said truthfully. "I'm looking forward to doing something. I asked Arthur to bring me home sooner and he wouldn't."

He shrugged at the rest of the question. "I'm worried about how things will be with Alucard. He said he'd stay away from me when I came home, but I don't really want that."
 

Seras was quiet a moment. Walter had never really spoken with her like this before. He was always pleasant, but rarely offered up insights into his own personal life.

"What do you want?" she asked. 
 
"I want everything," Walter said, surprised by his own response. "I want him to love me. I want to have Nadia here. I want to be normal and still go home and be anything but."  
"So...you want to be two different people at the same time?"  

Walter stopped while he tried to divine the truth of that question.

"No. Not at the same time. Fandom and Hellsing are separate. I want to have two separate lives. I know it's not fair, but it's what I want." 
 
"Do you have any idea what you're going to do about it?"  
"Keep living here and deal with there when I'm there," Walter answered with all the foresight of a fourteen year old.  

Seras was silent a moment. Then she cleared her throat.

"Look...We haven't known each other long, but you've been really brilliant to me. I'd like to help you if I can. I know it's not likely, but is there anything I can do? To help you?" 
 

"I appreciate the offer, but I think this is something I need to do for myself. Besides, I'd rather not have you involved with Alucard in any way."

Oh why in hell had he said that? This day just kept getting better and better. Only not.
 

Seras blinked.

"Involved with Alucard?" 
 

Shit, shit, shit!

"Right. Involved with him. It's a bad idea. For you." Walter flailed against the compulsion to tell her the truth. 
 
"I said that I wanted to help you, Walter. Who said anything about my being involved with Alucard?"  

"I did." Walter answered. "He did. The other me."

Shut up, idiot! 
 
"He told you that it was Alucard, your Alucard who made me into a vampire?"  

"He said 'Why Alucard brought her home remains a mystery to me.' So I think that yes, Alucard made you a vampire in his time."

Shit! 
 
"Why didn't you tell me?"  

"Because he said that he'd replace me, and I didn't want you to know that you might be my replacement. I thought I might be able to keep it from happening."

This was not right. Why did he have to keep telling people things he wanted to keep secret? 
 
"Walter...I'm not going to become your replacement. I told you that I don't want to become a vampire. I promised you that I wouldn't. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"  
"It does and it doesn't. I believe you made the promise, but I believe you, or a version of you, ended up with Alucard." He looked down. "I don't want that, and it doesn't matter whether you want it or not."  
"Well, what am I meant to do Walter?" said Seras, her voice growing a bit harsher, "If what I want has so very little to do with anything? Do you think knowing that makes me happier? You're the one who's told me that, at the end of the day, there's bugger all that I can really do to fend off a vampire. I mean, it's not like there's an anti vampire spray I can use to ward the off, is there?"  
"If you weren't a virgin you couldn't be turned," Walter snapped and immediately looked horrified that he'd said it.  

Seras stayed very still for a few moments.

Then, she set Pup carefully back down on the ground and stood up. The lines of her shoulders and lower jaw were tight and tense.

"Excuse me?" 
 
Walter squared his shoulders and looked her straight in the eye. "Where I'm from, only virgins can be turned. Anyone else who is bitten is turned into a ghoul - a soulless, mindless undead under the command of the vampire that created it. If you really don't want to be a vampire, fix that."  

Seras took a couple shaky breaths.

"Oh yeah, Seras. Fix it. If a vampire bites you, you'll turn into something that would be better off dead, but at least I'll still have my boyfried," she said, her voice trembling. 
 
"I don't still have my boyfriend," Walter snapped. "And you said you didn't want to be a vampire. Make up your mind."  
"Make up my mind? Like it's that simple? Like I can just walk up to the next bloke I see and go 'Excuse me, I've got a problem? D'you think you can help me fix it?'" Seras shouted, and took a step nearer to him, "Or are you volunteering, Walter? Fancy yourself my handyman, do you? Only, I'm sure Nadia would understand. You're just helping out a friend, after all. Only a coincidence that it keeps your ex from finding a replacement, isn't it?"  

"You're balmy!" Walter glared at her. "I'm not volunteering! The only girl I've had sex with is Pippi!"

Oh shiiiit. Not again.

"When she was Adella and I was the other one!" 
 

"It's called 'sarcasm', you pratt. As though I'd let you touch me with a barge pole after what you've just said to me! And, I know it was the other one who did that! I was there when Mr. Blackadder made that particular revelation. Remember? I left the damn store and chased after you to make sure you were alright?"

Seras paused for breath.

"How can you just tell me to 'go fix it'? It's not that simple, Walter." 
 
"Because you're pissing me off, that's how. That's the only reason I'd say something like that! All these questions about my love life, knowing you're going to be with Alucard when I'm old or dead or an asshole vampire myself, you want an answer - that's the bloody answer whether it's pretty or not."  

"Questions? You're the one who brought it up, Walter! You're the one who said 'involved with'. I'm not stupid, you know! And, you can just relax about my being your replacement. Because, I have no intention of being with someone. EVER."

Seras paused in her tirade and pressed her fingertips to her mouth, taking deep breaths.

"Why did you even bother being my friend if this is the way you feel? You've know this from the beginning. Did you just want to keep an eye on me or something?" 
 
He glared at Seras and closed his hands into fists before relaxing them again. "I didn't know this from the beginning, remember? And I wasn't your friend because I could keep an eye on you, I just didn't tell you about Alucard and you. And we don't even know if it's going to be you or another you. Which is what I've been telling myself so I don't let jealousy keep me from being your friend."  
"How in the world was not telling me about it going to keep anything from happening?"  
 "It wasn't. But you're here and Alucard's at home, so it didn't matter to whether you were a vampire or not." 
"And, it didn't occur to you that this was something I ought to know? What if, for whatever reason, he'd come to Fandom? What then?"  
"I don't believe he'd come here, but if he did, I would have told you as soon as I found out he was coming, to warn you."  
"I see. Well, I certainly hope that would have given me enough time to 'fix it'."  
"Are you having fun being a bitch?" Walter glared and took a step closer. "Because I'm not enjoying this even a little bit."  

Seras, whose flight reaction was nearly non-existant, glared back and took her own step.

"No, Walter, I'm not. Not anymore than I enjoyed hearing you tell me that I ought to go and get myself fucked." 
 
"Right now, I think the best answer is that you go fuck yourself." He snapped his fingers for Pup and leaned into her personal space. "Because this conversation is over."  

Seras, who was incensed enough to, for once, not give a rat's ass about her personal space, grabbed a fistful of Walter's waistcoat.

"If you want to run away like some bloody coward, then be my guest. But, before you do, I want you to know that you didn't have any bloody reason to be jealous. Because even if Alucard had managed to make me break my promise to you, I would not have slept with him. Alright." 
 
Walter snorted and knocked her hand aside in a blur of motion. "I am not afraid of you. I will never be afraid of you. But you're being a right bitch and beating the same still fucking dead horse."  
"If you aren't afraid, then why didn't you tell me from the beginning?"  

"That's different. Being afraid of you with Alucard and being afraid of you are two different things." It was splitting hairs, but Walter believed it to be true.

"What are you getting out of these questions? These same questions?"
 
"Answers!" she said, "I'm trying to get answers! I'm afraid, too, okay? I'm afraid that everything I'm working for, my whole life and everything that matters to me, is going to be taken away from me. Again. And, there won't be anything I can do about it. And, I'm afraid of this...this Alucard person who can apparently just take me and make me into his..." she choked on the last word, unable to get it out. 
"Bride," Walter spat. "He takes brides. But making you a vampire doesn't mean he's going to have sex with you. Why do you keep thinking that?"  
"Because you said you were afraid of my being your replacement. Because you talked about not being jealous."  
"This is pointless. You'll go to your final grave a virgin according to you." Walter clearly didn't believe it.  

"Well, it's hard to imagine ever willingly having sex when the thought of another person putting their hands on you makes you want to be ill."

The words had tumbled out of Seras' mouth before she knew it. She stood there, looking stunned. 
 
"Why?" Dammit, she'd asked him all these personal questions, let it be her turn to be on the defensive.  

In most cases, the truth spell would probably have been working against simple lies, either bald faced or by omission. Perhaps even evasiveness. In this case, it was dealing with a good six years of repression. It still worked, but it was painful, and Seras felt as though the words were being dragged right out of her, counter to her every impulse and intuition.

"My parents were murdered on the same night. In our house. The people who did it shot me too. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was...one of them had sex with my mother's body. He raped it. Ever since then, I can't even think about...about sex with out seeing that..."

Seras pressed her hand to her mouth and closed her eyes. She was afraid she might be ill. 
 

That was not what he'd expected. Not that he'd had a clear expectation.

But that story? Not on his list.

"I'm sorry," he said completely honestly. 
 

"So...so that's why...even if Alucard bit me, we wouldn't be..." Seras gritted her teeth, "And, that's why 'fixing it' is not an option."

She'd balled her hands into fists and could feel her nails cut into her palms. 
 
Walter nodded slowly, feeling like an ass, even though he knew it wasn't his fault what had happened to her in the past.  

Seras felt the silence stretch out between them. In the quiet, she picked up the sounds of other people getting ready to start their days.

"I-I've got a workshop to get to," she said, turning on her heel and hurrying off. A numb feeling had settled itself in her chest.

[ooc: Preplayed with union_jane. Open for interaction after Seras leaves. Warning of very disturbing Hellsing canon content behind the cut. Disturbing enough that I'd give it a NSFW. Just so you're warned.]