Narcissism and Yes vs No
To start off, this is an apology as well as a discussion. Humans aren't infallible. We make mistakes. Too many of us refuse to admit our mistakes. Those refusals contribute to most of the tensions we see in our politics. That's a subject for a later essay though.
Narcissism and Yes vs No
Over the last few years, what I've talked about most is Narcissism and Yes vs No. I've written several essays on both and my viewpoint has changed a bit during that time. We have to combine the two. Most of all, we have to keep our mouths shut. I know many people in narcissistic relationships and I know one who has broken free of one.
Some things never change. A narcissist, by their very nature, is a manipulator. They will do whatever they have to do to remain in control. If the relationship ends, they insure that everyone knows that they are innocence personified. Their ex is the crazy one and caused all of the problems in their relationship and they work hard to turn everyone against them. The narcissist also has a new partner in two to four weeks, on average, while their ex is left trying to rebuild a shattered life.
The friend that broke away is going through this now. The pattern rarely changes because it can't. Narcissists don't deal with Yes vs No because they are never responsible for anything. We can't change them so we have to change how we respond to them.
Start by supporting your family and friends that are with a narcissist. By that I mean honestly support them and shut the fuck up (STFU). Your opinions do not matter here. They are in the relationship, not you. The rule here is that if it isn't happening to you specifically, STFU. Your loved one has been indoctrinated. They've been abused and damaged. Forcing your opinions on them will only hurt them more. If they want your opinion, they'll ask. Unless they do, all you can do is love and support them. Words mean nothing. Let them know that you're there for them through your actions.
You should be doing that regardless. Most of the time you'll never know that your coworker, family member or friend is in a narcissistic relationship unless it breaks apart or they tell you. It's the same as when a sick tree finally falls over. On the outside. The tree is strong, the bark beautiful. On the inside, the rot is plainly visible and fouls the air it's exposed to.
Narcissism is part of our culture, sadly. Many narcissists are in positions of power and it's hard to remove them. Concentrate on your loved ones. That you can do something about, provided that you STFU.
Why?
I'm writing this because I was wrong. I thought you had to fight against narcissism and be rabidly vocal about it. All I managed to do with those tactics is to drive two people away from me. One I'll, likely, never talk to again. The other is communicating again after a long silence, a silence I deserved. I'd forgotten that Yes vs No applies, no matter what subject you're talking about. She chose this relationship, knowing who and what he is. That choice has to be respected.
Now I do what I always should have done. I support from a distance. She's in another state so there's no other way. I don't mention her partner. He won't come up in conversation unless she brings him up. If she needs help, she'll ask.
In Closing
Today's diatribe has been on narcissism. Yes vs No applies to everyone and everything, my Padawans. If you have trouble with that concept, simply remember. If it is not happening to you specifically, STFU and simply support the person it is happening to. Rocket science this is not.
Narcissism and Yes vs No
Over the last few years, what I've talked about most is Narcissism and Yes vs No. I've written several essays on both and my viewpoint has changed a bit during that time. We have to combine the two. Most of all, we have to keep our mouths shut. I know many people in narcissistic relationships and I know one who has broken free of one.
Some things never change. A narcissist, by their very nature, is a manipulator. They will do whatever they have to do to remain in control. If the relationship ends, they insure that everyone knows that they are innocence personified. Their ex is the crazy one and caused all of the problems in their relationship and they work hard to turn everyone against them. The narcissist also has a new partner in two to four weeks, on average, while their ex is left trying to rebuild a shattered life.
The friend that broke away is going through this now. The pattern rarely changes because it can't. Narcissists don't deal with Yes vs No because they are never responsible for anything. We can't change them so we have to change how we respond to them.
Start by supporting your family and friends that are with a narcissist. By that I mean honestly support them and shut the fuck up (STFU). Your opinions do not matter here. They are in the relationship, not you. The rule here is that if it isn't happening to you specifically, STFU. Your loved one has been indoctrinated. They've been abused and damaged. Forcing your opinions on them will only hurt them more. If they want your opinion, they'll ask. Unless they do, all you can do is love and support them. Words mean nothing. Let them know that you're there for them through your actions.
You should be doing that regardless. Most of the time you'll never know that your coworker, family member or friend is in a narcissistic relationship unless it breaks apart or they tell you. It's the same as when a sick tree finally falls over. On the outside. The tree is strong, the bark beautiful. On the inside, the rot is plainly visible and fouls the air it's exposed to.
Narcissism is part of our culture, sadly. Many narcissists are in positions of power and it's hard to remove them. Concentrate on your loved ones. That you can do something about, provided that you STFU.
Why?
I'm writing this because I was wrong. I thought you had to fight against narcissism and be rabidly vocal about it. All I managed to do with those tactics is to drive two people away from me. One I'll, likely, never talk to again. The other is communicating again after a long silence, a silence I deserved. I'd forgotten that Yes vs No applies, no matter what subject you're talking about. She chose this relationship, knowing who and what he is. That choice has to be respected.
Now I do what I always should have done. I support from a distance. She's in another state so there's no other way. I don't mention her partner. He won't come up in conversation unless she brings him up. If she needs help, she'll ask.
In Closing
Today's diatribe has been on narcissism. Yes vs No applies to everyone and everything, my Padawans. If you have trouble with that concept, simply remember. If it is not happening to you specifically, STFU and simply support the person it is happening to. Rocket science this is not.