suck it up.
i want another chance, as i pick through these thinning pieces of paper. i'm greeted by that smell that goddamn smell.
i think my sense of smell is the strongest sense tied to my memory. i now know a kid who smells like my kindergarden room, and its torture because it makes me want to regress.
i want to be done with school. i want my car. i want my car's tape player to work again. i want to listen to mixtapes until i cant imagine the songs coming from any other source. until i hear them one day on their original album and when the real song comes after it, i automatically hate it. i want to be qualified for a job, and keep up the illusion that the past four years of my life wasnt a educational waste. i need to be alone. alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone. every noise makes my ribs ache and every voice makes my heart jump and not in the good way, and every conversation makes me tired. i need new people and new places.
this week will be amazing, with midnight baseball tonight, studying on the mall during the daytime, seeing my megan and brian on friday, going on a date to the zoo next week. this summer will be amazing, i will have my aforementioned car, i will have no homework, i will be getting money, i will be going to places with friends, i will be getting drunk, i will be going to places alone, i will sit for hours alone, i will get many bug bites and pick them open and letting them scar and letting my legs become polka-dotted with little smooth purple bumps and then wear my grown-up skirts to the office and show them off in all of their torn-apart beauty.
i will leave for another country. i will live on a kibbutz, and do hard labor, and hate it and then love it and meet people that i havent met before. and i will do whatever the fuck i want.
again.
finally, again.
i think my sense of smell is the strongest sense tied to my memory. i now know a kid who smells like my kindergarden room, and its torture because it makes me want to regress.
i want to be done with school. i want my car. i want my car's tape player to work again. i want to listen to mixtapes until i cant imagine the songs coming from any other source. until i hear them one day on their original album and when the real song comes after it, i automatically hate it. i want to be qualified for a job, and keep up the illusion that the past four years of my life wasnt a educational waste. i need to be alone. alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone. every noise makes my ribs ache and every voice makes my heart jump and not in the good way, and every conversation makes me tired. i need new people and new places.
this week will be amazing, with midnight baseball tonight, studying on the mall during the daytime, seeing my megan and brian on friday, going on a date to the zoo next week. this summer will be amazing, i will have my aforementioned car, i will have no homework, i will be getting money, i will be going to places with friends, i will be getting drunk, i will be going to places alone, i will sit for hours alone, i will get many bug bites and pick them open and letting them scar and letting my legs become polka-dotted with little smooth purple bumps and then wear my grown-up skirts to the office and show them off in all of their torn-apart beauty.
i will leave for another country. i will live on a kibbutz, and do hard labor, and hate it and then love it and meet people that i havent met before. and i will do whatever the fuck i want.
again.
finally, again.