Bored
I've been having a tough time lately.
Seems like I'm always just... agitated and restless. I say "I'm Bored," but I don't really mean that in the way most people think. It's like I can't stay focused and interested in one thing for more than a couple minutes before I'm petulantly tired of it. I'm getting frustrated that I'm getting frustrated.
I pace around.
It's really difficult for me. Too much of this makes me start to feel like my world is falling apart again. And that is the last thing I need right now. Can you believe it's the end of the month? I almost forgot to pay my rent, because I'm just so... out of it.
I'm out of sync with the world and everything feels wrong again. Like I'm trying to function inside of a dream and things aren't working right. That "this is a dream, that's why everything isn't the way it should be" feeling, but I'm awake. I see myself slipping back into my old habits... I haven't cleaned my room in weeks. And every time I think about doing it, instead of doing it I just feel despairing and say "well, it'll take so long, and it's so trashed anyway, it's not even worth it, I'm never here..." And it just gets worse and worse, and the worse it gets, the worse I feel.
Now I'm at the point where I'm starting to feel like the world is cracking again.
This could be dealt with by finding a doctor again. My meds are running out and I do not have a way to get a new prescription. I don't really have time to see a doctor, I don't know any, and I don't know how to find one. So for now I keep thinking "what's the use?"
After so much, I feel everything just slipping away, and I don't feel like I can grasp it.
Maybe I'm just upset about... something? But I don't know what.
Seems like I'm always just... agitated and restless. I say "I'm Bored," but I don't really mean that in the way most people think. It's like I can't stay focused and interested in one thing for more than a couple minutes before I'm petulantly tired of it. I'm getting frustrated that I'm getting frustrated.
I pace around.
It's really difficult for me. Too much of this makes me start to feel like my world is falling apart again. And that is the last thing I need right now. Can you believe it's the end of the month? I almost forgot to pay my rent, because I'm just so... out of it.
I'm out of sync with the world and everything feels wrong again. Like I'm trying to function inside of a dream and things aren't working right. That "this is a dream, that's why everything isn't the way it should be" feeling, but I'm awake. I see myself slipping back into my old habits... I haven't cleaned my room in weeks. And every time I think about doing it, instead of doing it I just feel despairing and say "well, it'll take so long, and it's so trashed anyway, it's not even worth it, I'm never here..." And it just gets worse and worse, and the worse it gets, the worse I feel.
Now I'm at the point where I'm starting to feel like the world is cracking again.
This could be dealt with by finding a doctor again. My meds are running out and I do not have a way to get a new prescription. I don't really have time to see a doctor, I don't know any, and I don't know how to find one. So for now I keep thinking "what's the use?"
After so much, I feel everything just slipping away, and I don't feel like I can grasp it.
Maybe I'm just upset about... something? But I don't know what.