I always wonder, "Will this one be different?"
Lets follow the pattern of the men I have relationships with:
1. Alex - new to dating, new to serious relationships and new to sex. 1.5 years younger than I.
2. Doug - experienced as it gets. Married twice. 7 years older than I.
3. Dave - experienced in dating, not so experienced in serious relationships, experienced in sex. 6 years older than I.
4. Jon - a few dating experiences, a few sexual experiences, one serious relationship. 2 years older than I.
5. Eric - new to dating, new to serious relationships, new to sex. 1 year older than I.
What in the hell? I thrive off of unbalanced romantic relationships.
This one with Eric is the first that has had no time limit and that occurred without my noticing until recently. I am happy about that. However, the relationship is so backwards. I'm the aggressor, I'm in control, I'm less emotionally invested, and I, hands down, understand the ramifications of every deceivingly insignificant action in our relationship. I like him but I don't miss him much when he isn't around. I've yet to decide where I want this relationship to go and I feel the power of that decision has been given to me by him. I'm hesitant to become attached because I worry about his lack of experience. He is having his first real relationship and we all know how that only serves as the shore to the ocean. I would be setting myself up if I expected anything lasting from this. Not only must I be careful not to damage him emotionally but I've got to be careful while helping him to explore physically. With much difficulty, I've decided that few people have as perfect first sex as I did. I want anyone I care about to have as positive an experience as I did and yet that seems to be way too idealistic. So where does that now leave me in my current relationship? I feel that regardless of the effort I invest in the moment, it will be less for him than it was for me and my first sexual partner. That disturbs me yet I can expect nothing more under the given circumstances.
It bothers me that I enjoy him so much and that we share so many interests. There is potential and cohesion between the two of us as people but I see this huge gap in romantic experiences and that can be just as damning as a conflict in personalities.
For now I will continue to hold off on making a decision and let the relationship progress under it's own terms. When there is so much conflict within, I'm hoping that letting life decide for me will clarify things.
1. Alex - new to dating, new to serious relationships and new to sex. 1.5 years younger than I.
2. Doug - experienced as it gets. Married twice. 7 years older than I.
3. Dave - experienced in dating, not so experienced in serious relationships, experienced in sex. 6 years older than I.
4. Jon - a few dating experiences, a few sexual experiences, one serious relationship. 2 years older than I.
5. Eric - new to dating, new to serious relationships, new to sex. 1 year older than I.
What in the hell? I thrive off of unbalanced romantic relationships.
This one with Eric is the first that has had no time limit and that occurred without my noticing until recently. I am happy about that. However, the relationship is so backwards. I'm the aggressor, I'm in control, I'm less emotionally invested, and I, hands down, understand the ramifications of every deceivingly insignificant action in our relationship. I like him but I don't miss him much when he isn't around. I've yet to decide where I want this relationship to go and I feel the power of that decision has been given to me by him. I'm hesitant to become attached because I worry about his lack of experience. He is having his first real relationship and we all know how that only serves as the shore to the ocean. I would be setting myself up if I expected anything lasting from this. Not only must I be careful not to damage him emotionally but I've got to be careful while helping him to explore physically. With much difficulty, I've decided that few people have as perfect first sex as I did. I want anyone I care about to have as positive an experience as I did and yet that seems to be way too idealistic. So where does that now leave me in my current relationship? I feel that regardless of the effort I invest in the moment, it will be less for him than it was for me and my first sexual partner. That disturbs me yet I can expect nothing more under the given circumstances.
It bothers me that I enjoy him so much and that we share so many interests. There is potential and cohesion between the two of us as people but I see this huge gap in romantic experiences and that can be just as damning as a conflict in personalities.
For now I will continue to hold off on making a decision and let the relationship progress under it's own terms. When there is so much conflict within, I'm hoping that letting life decide for me will clarify things.