down from the door where it began
I won't get another chance to make this post today, I don't think. It's been a year to the day since someone I counted as a father figure invited me out to lunch to tell me that he's sorry, but both he and my immediate boss question my calling to youth ministry, my commitment to the church in general, and my fitness for the job at hand. I'd never been so disappointed in myself and another person in my entire life. I wrote about the experience here almost immediately after.
So, a year has gone by. I still attend that church, though I zone out through most of the pastor's sermons, thinking about slash plots and movies I've watched and how much I need a kleenex. I sing with the choir and play the bells, because my best friend in OKC is still the organist of that church and she made sure I was involved in other things. I still have people that are members of that church that are on my side, that think I got a raw deal. Hell, there are people there that still think I work for the church.
I know I need something else, a different place to worship, because I know that my past history with that church is inhibiting my worship and my relationship with God. I just don't know where else in town to go. I don't really want to stop singing with that choir or playing the bells, I just don't want to have to see Bryan or Mac ever, ever again. I can forgive Bryan, and on my better days I can even forgive Mac, but I can't forget, and even in forgiveness, the bitterness remains.
I am back with a company I both love and believe in, though, so the story doesn't end badly, at least. I'm not making as much money as before, but I have an awesome roommate, incredulity, who carried me, both spiritually and financially, through that crisis. So I'm not feeling the pay cut nearly as much as I could be. My health insurance is better, my benefits are better, and I have a boss that values me, and coworkers that think I'm kind of awesome.
So it sucked, it really sucked, and I can't say I'm glad it happened, because I'm still in a financial hole. But I can say that in the end, it worked out for the best. Though I am NOT, as Mac once suggested, going to buy him a giant Christmas present to say thanks for firing me. I'm happy IN SPITE OF getting fired, not BECAUSE OF, and that makes all the difference.
So, a year has gone by. I still attend that church, though I zone out through most of the pastor's sermons, thinking about slash plots and movies I've watched and how much I need a kleenex. I sing with the choir and play the bells, because my best friend in OKC is still the organist of that church and she made sure I was involved in other things. I still have people that are members of that church that are on my side, that think I got a raw deal. Hell, there are people there that still think I work for the church.
I know I need something else, a different place to worship, because I know that my past history with that church is inhibiting my worship and my relationship with God. I just don't know where else in town to go. I don't really want to stop singing with that choir or playing the bells, I just don't want to have to see Bryan or Mac ever, ever again. I can forgive Bryan, and on my better days I can even forgive Mac, but I can't forget, and even in forgiveness, the bitterness remains.
I am back with a company I both love and believe in, though, so the story doesn't end badly, at least. I'm not making as much money as before, but I have an awesome roommate, incredulity, who carried me, both spiritually and financially, through that crisis. So I'm not feeling the pay cut nearly as much as I could be. My health insurance is better, my benefits are better, and I have a boss that values me, and coworkers that think I'm kind of awesome.
So it sucked, it really sucked, and I can't say I'm glad it happened, because I'm still in a financial hole. But I can say that in the end, it worked out for the best. Though I am NOT, as Mac once suggested, going to buy him a giant Christmas present to say thanks for firing me. I'm happy IN SPITE OF getting fired, not BECAUSE OF, and that makes all the difference.