(no subject)

[waitingforabus]

i am so lifeless. hearing, "we had a good run" makes me want to die. everything hurts so bad...i honestly don't want to do this..to feel this. And to know that I am the sole reason why I feel like this makes me so sick. I lost the most amazing man and I will never have him again. Ever. That's it; out and over. I don't want to settle for that. I want to kick and scream and make him want to love me again..and that will never happen. I want to scream about how unfair it all is and then I happen to glance up and look into the mirror. Realize that I did this; this is my fault. Realize that unfair is lying to someone who loves you so much...who is the one who makes you feel safe. At night his arms would be around me and I would snuggle into him and know that I was loved and protected in that love. And then I threw it away.

I see a little girl staring back...I feel lost. I don't feel safe anymore. I don't know where home is...I don't know where to draw my strength from. I don't know what I'm doing.
I think about crazy things..begging him to come get me. Begging him to take me back. And I disgust myself.