Alexis' "Look Ma, no Ma!" Do-It-Yourself Single-College-Student Efficiency-Apartment Recipes!

[waiting4beckett]

Since I'm a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to cooking, I thought I'd share some of my tried-and-true recipes for the benefit of people who, like me, barely know how to boil an egg.
Herb & Garlic Chicken and Noodle Thing

Ingredients

• 1 or 2 boneless chicken breasts
  
• herb & garlic marinade that you bought at the store
  
• store-brand cooking spray ... that you bought at the store
  
• s'mnoodles
  
• butter
  
• pepper or something
  
• whatever

Method

1. Slop some marinade in a big bowl. Probably the only clean bowl you have.
2. Remove chicken from freezer, rejoice that it isn't freezerburned. Dump chicken out of Ziplock baggy and into big bowl.
3. Slop s'more marinade on chicken.
4. Put bowl in microwave.
5. Examine microwave's preset defrost settings. Attempt to use settings.
6. Figure it out on the second or third try.
7. If you're a technical communication major, bitch that microwave isn't very user-centered.
8. If any other major, hit microwave.
9. While chicken starts to defrost, realize you probably should have pulled apart the two chicken pieces before you slathered marinade all over them.
10. Remove chicken, still pretty much frozen, from microwave. Attempt to pull apart chicken pieces with bare hands. Lose grip on chicken as it snaps apart, splattering marinade all over your kitchen and your shirt.
11. Curse.
12. Return chicken to bowl, return bowl to microwave.
13. While chicken defrosts, wipe up splattered marinade and wash all the cooking implements you need, because you haven't done the dishes in weeks.
14. Boil some water. That, at least, you know how to do.
15. Cover frying pan with thick layer of store-brand cooking spray you bought at the store. Place over heat.
16. Wonder if you should've put chicken in pan before heating pan. Conclude that you should wait until pan is hot, because that's what you do with eggs. Cooking chicken, you reason, is just like cooking eggs.
17. Put chicken in pan. Now you're cooking!
18. Prod chicken with spatula. You figure it'll help.
19. Slather on some more marinade. Couldn't hurt.
20. Continue to cook chicken for long-ass time.
21. When water boils, dump s'mnoodles into pot. Stir whenever.
22. Stare at chicken as it cooks, occasionally flipping it or prodding it with spatula. Get a little bored. Grumble about how long it's taking. As if you've never cooked boneless chicken breasts before. (You haven't.)
23. Realize you've neglected noodles. Sure enough, noodles're done cooking. Dump 'em in a strainer, dump 'em back in pot, add some butter and pepper, stir 'em around.
24. Noodles're done. Boy, are you good at noodles.
25. Continue staring at chicken.
26. Slather on some more marinade. Couldn't hurt.
27. Cut up chicken with spatula hoping it'll cook faster. Realize you probably should've done that to begin with. Grumble about how the noodles are getting cold.
28. Okay. No more pink chicken. Finally! Done! Dump chicken on plate.
29. Dump noodles on plate.
30. Enjoy meal, even though you probably used too much marinade.
31. Tell all your friends what a wonderful cook you are.

You're welcome. Happy holidays!