i lie awake at night and wait 'til you come in.
so a few hours ago i arrived home from my weekend away and let me tell you that i miss it already. we never get to go up north anymore because we're all so busy with our own lives and work and such. on friday andrea and i met some boys at the ice cream place. they wanted us to go party with them but they never called. the one kid called me on saturday but i never called him back. i'm not looking for anything and i don't want anything, but its nice when guys actually notice me even when i'm wearing a t-shirt and some athletic shorts with my hair a mess and my glasses on with no make-up. it makes me wonder about what i'm doing wrong and it makes me think about the past. why do i screw everything up nowadays? save me the 'your young speech' but i want to find 'him' and i want to know that i'm appreciated. for once in my life since aaron moved away and jim died i want to be loved. i want to stop seeing everyone so happy knowing that i'll probably never be that way. this mf blows
so much has been going on lately and i definitely can't handle it. i pulled out my razor for the first time the other day. yes i said i'd give it up but i can't. [if you want to walk away then i'm not going to stop you] i did stop taking the pills though. i just figured it was pointless when they stopped doing anything for me. its times like this that i wish i was a drug addict so that i could escape for real. i want to know what it feels like to not have any emotions and to not let anything bother you ... maybe one day ...
why do people lie? why can't anyone just grow some fucking balls and tell me the truth. i'm done trying when the only thing i get in return is a kick in the ass. i deleted a handful of people off of my buddy list on AIM and if you IM me then i probably won't respond. i also deleted about thirty people or so off of my MS friends list and if you send me another friend request or a message i probably won't respond either. i just hate being treated like a piece of shit. you always feed me lies and i've been believing them for years but i finally realized that i'm a fucking moron for listening to you for so long. i'm done with your shit so i hope that you're happy and forget my name, number and everything else about me because i want nothing to do with you.
i wish that jim was here to give me some advice on everything that's going on. i wish that i could go back four years to when this all started and prevent it from ever getting started. i wish that i could change some decisions that i made and change the way i not only went about things but also with who i became friends with and who i let in to my life.
amanda had her baby - tristan 5 lbs. 10 oz. @ 8:30 am on june 29, 2006
chelsey had her baby - alexia 8 lbs. 3 oz. @ 1:30 pm on july 2, 2006
disappearing