Letting Perfectionism Get In The Way
I am a perfectionist. Although someone looking at my life might now believe me at first glance (or maybe I've just been blind to this myself while everyone else sees clearly and just hasn't thought to mention it), I am undoubtably a perfectionist, and it's getting in my way. Marla Cilley, also known as FlyLady, notes that perfectionism is not actually that which brings us to complete things perfectly, but that which impedes us from completing things because we are incapable of doing them perfectly: "We have tried the all-or-nothing system and it does not work for most of us. We do too much too fast in order to see immediate results and then we crash and burn, and we have failed again," (from Marla Cilley & Leanne Ely's Body Clutter: Love Your Body, Love Yourself).
I can see this in too many aspects of my life; my education, weight loss efforts, my career, the state of my apartment. I'm beginning to wonder if it may even have something to do with the way that I conduct my relationships with others, although that trail of thought seems a little too strenuous to pursue right this moment. The point is, I want to pour my entire self into the things that I do. My intentions are good: out of love and compassion for myself and others I want to give everything that I have. But that kind of perfectionism is a lofty ideal, and always -always- has ended with me burned out and drifting for days at a time without accomplishing anything and sometimes letting those things that I have done backslide to the point that my efforts have been all but wasted in the first place. Does that sound healthy, loving and compassionate to anyone?
Over the past week or so my new obsession with self-help books has lead me to reflect on my feelings of inadequacy, my impatience, and my anxiety. However, today has felt like an epiphany, above and beyond reflection, that moment when something in your brain clicks and just makes sense. It feels wonderful, and it really couldn't have come at a better time for me.
This morning I did as I said I was going to do and approached my Program Coordinator about the case manager position and the timeline for the selection process. She told me that they were planning on making their final selections for interview by next Tuesday, but that I was not one of the people that they were considering for an interview because of my experience. Now, there are some annoying politics that may or may not have flavored this decision, but that is beside the point. Above and beyond all else, I found that I was extremely grateful that she told me that, because I could have thrown away an opportunity that is quite possibly exactly what I need right now in the vain hope that I would be interviewed for this other position. Yes, I'm disappointed, but with all things considered I truly believe that I was not meant to be placed in that position.
With this new-found information in hand, I contacted the Development VP today and posed a few questions to him about the position that I have been offered with their department. This includes the wish that I be able to continue part time with the Youth Home, but with a set part-time schedule, not as a sub (no set schedule). The VP seemed very excited to work this out with me, and told me that he would be able to get all of the answers to my questions by Monday. So I'm waiting on the definites, but the upshot is that I think this is going to work out: I would be working part-time (20 hours) with the Development team as the Donor Database Clerk, plus a set two shifts each week at the Youth Home. This doesn't quite equate to 40 hours, but if I can get my schedule the way I want it, it would come damn close. There won't be benefits involved, but I already have good coverage for everything through Colin.
This little bend in my hypothetical road represents a certain slowing down for me. I don't for an instant think that it's going to be perfect and wonderful just because it's different. I don't think its going to solve all my problems. But I do see it as taking a step back and allowing myself some room to breath. By continuing with two shifts a week at the Youth Home, I am allowing myself to continue gathering experience with the population of youth that I wish to work with ultimately. But by working only two shifts a week, I hopefully won't burn out. Maybe this way I will actually have something left over for myself at the end of the day, so that I can actually do the things that I need and want to do. With a little time and patience I will finish my Master's, and I'll eventually find a job that I can call a career, but for now I need to slow down and learn to enjoy what I'm doing again. I'm being afforded that opportunity, and I'm going to take it.
I can see this in too many aspects of my life; my education, weight loss efforts, my career, the state of my apartment. I'm beginning to wonder if it may even have something to do with the way that I conduct my relationships with others, although that trail of thought seems a little too strenuous to pursue right this moment. The point is, I want to pour my entire self into the things that I do. My intentions are good: out of love and compassion for myself and others I want to give everything that I have. But that kind of perfectionism is a lofty ideal, and always -always- has ended with me burned out and drifting for days at a time without accomplishing anything and sometimes letting those things that I have done backslide to the point that my efforts have been all but wasted in the first place. Does that sound healthy, loving and compassionate to anyone?
Over the past week or so my new obsession with self-help books has lead me to reflect on my feelings of inadequacy, my impatience, and my anxiety. However, today has felt like an epiphany, above and beyond reflection, that moment when something in your brain clicks and just makes sense. It feels wonderful, and it really couldn't have come at a better time for me.
This morning I did as I said I was going to do and approached my Program Coordinator about the case manager position and the timeline for the selection process. She told me that they were planning on making their final selections for interview by next Tuesday, but that I was not one of the people that they were considering for an interview because of my experience. Now, there are some annoying politics that may or may not have flavored this decision, but that is beside the point. Above and beyond all else, I found that I was extremely grateful that she told me that, because I could have thrown away an opportunity that is quite possibly exactly what I need right now in the vain hope that I would be interviewed for this other position. Yes, I'm disappointed, but with all things considered I truly believe that I was not meant to be placed in that position.
With this new-found information in hand, I contacted the Development VP today and posed a few questions to him about the position that I have been offered with their department. This includes the wish that I be able to continue part time with the Youth Home, but with a set part-time schedule, not as a sub (no set schedule). The VP seemed very excited to work this out with me, and told me that he would be able to get all of the answers to my questions by Monday. So I'm waiting on the definites, but the upshot is that I think this is going to work out: I would be working part-time (20 hours) with the Development team as the Donor Database Clerk, plus a set two shifts each week at the Youth Home. This doesn't quite equate to 40 hours, but if I can get my schedule the way I want it, it would come damn close. There won't be benefits involved, but I already have good coverage for everything through Colin.
This little bend in my hypothetical road represents a certain slowing down for me. I don't for an instant think that it's going to be perfect and wonderful just because it's different. I don't think its going to solve all my problems. But I do see it as taking a step back and allowing myself some room to breath. By continuing with two shifts a week at the Youth Home, I am allowing myself to continue gathering experience with the population of youth that I wish to work with ultimately. But by working only two shifts a week, I hopefully won't burn out. Maybe this way I will actually have something left over for myself at the end of the day, so that I can actually do the things that I need and want to do. With a little time and patience I will finish my Master's, and I'll eventually find a job that I can call a career, but for now I need to slow down and learn to enjoy what I'm doing again. I'm being afforded that opportunity, and I'm going to take it.