Anxious Ramblings
I was falling asleep watching Sex and the City with Mom... so I climbed into bed with my book and thought that I might just read for a little bit until I feel asleep. But now I feel restless, like I should be doing something of consequence. I suppose I could work on my homework assignment that's due tomorrow, but I don't really feel like doing that specifically.
Really, I think part of my anxiety right now is that fact that it is currently 6:30 am in Kuwait, and perhaps Colin is getting up around now... or is up by now at any rate. I keep hoping that he'll call, or get online, or something. Just so that I can know that he made it safe from Ireland. Funny how I'm a little more worried about the trip than the destination, hm? I just know that I'll feel better when we have some kind of pattern for when he gets ahold of me. Even in BCT there was some kind of pattern to the times when he was able to call.
I'm afraid to think about the number of days until I can see him again. For one, I don't even know when he'll actually be able to take his R&R leave... and second, the number is daunting no matter what. The earliest that I might see him again is three months... anywhere from three to six months. And what people don't realize, don't think about, is the fact that for me the real countdown started this Friday. Colin wasn't gone until Friday. He might have left back in November, but he didn't really leave until just yesterday. Until yesterday, I could imagine that it was just some slightly prolonged business trip. The real countdown starts now.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll wake up and realize that it was all just a dream; he'll be laying there snoring, hogging the covers and poking me in the side with his knee. But there's no dreaming when you can't even sleep. Then, by the time you do sleep you're too exhausted for dreams. Spiraling...
But through it all I still feel okay. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind, more than any normal day. It keeps my life in perspective, I suppose, reminding me of all the things that I have and all the people that care about me. And usually I can stay busy. Usually.
Really, I think part of my anxiety right now is that fact that it is currently 6:30 am in Kuwait, and perhaps Colin is getting up around now... or is up by now at any rate. I keep hoping that he'll call, or get online, or something. Just so that I can know that he made it safe from Ireland. Funny how I'm a little more worried about the trip than the destination, hm? I just know that I'll feel better when we have some kind of pattern for when he gets ahold of me. Even in BCT there was some kind of pattern to the times when he was able to call.
I'm afraid to think about the number of days until I can see him again. For one, I don't even know when he'll actually be able to take his R&R leave... and second, the number is daunting no matter what. The earliest that I might see him again is three months... anywhere from three to six months. And what people don't realize, don't think about, is the fact that for me the real countdown started this Friday. Colin wasn't gone until Friday. He might have left back in November, but he didn't really leave until just yesterday. Until yesterday, I could imagine that it was just some slightly prolonged business trip. The real countdown starts now.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll wake up and realize that it was all just a dream; he'll be laying there snoring, hogging the covers and poking me in the side with his knee. But there's no dreaming when you can't even sleep. Then, by the time you do sleep you're too exhausted for dreams. Spiraling...
But through it all I still feel okay. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind, more than any normal day. It keeps my life in perspective, I suppose, reminding me of all the things that I have and all the people that care about me. And usually I can stay busy. Usually.