How do you feel?
A week on from the hospital visit. How things change. The blood test on Monday revealed that my hormone level had dropped from 351 to 189 and they warned me that it was probable I would miscarry. Wednesday it had dropped still further to 105 but that didn't make them happy as it should have dropped to well below 50. Today I await the results and I'm still not miscarrying.
Watching the clinical details on that little blue form changing from ?pregnancy to ?miscarriage and now ?ectopic pregnancy is quite soul destroying. How do I feel? Good question. Most of the time it's comfortably numb and the logical part of me knows this is shock, but oh god, when I stop and think about it the pain is just so bad. I feel guilty - was it my fault? Could I have done something differently? What's wrong with me? Why me? That acute sense of loss for the baby that might've been. Would it have been a boy or a girl? I'll never know now and it's hard to mourn someone you can't visualise, can't give a name to.
Thank God my doctor told me to take this week off, as I truly don't think I could do this at work. It's bad enough being here, alone. I can't stand anyone around me. If they could only confirm it one way or the other. I've got to the stage where I want it to be over. If I've lost it, I want the miscarriage over so I can try and let it go and get on with my life. I don't think they understand. Or maybe they do and they just can't do anything more.
I thought I'd cried it all out on Monday and had no tears left, but I'm crying again. I don't mean to but I can feel the tears trickling hotly down my face and I'm aware that this time it's not grief, it's fear. So many fears all rolled into one. Fear that this will drag on for another week, fear that it IS ectopic and they will have to remove it surgically, fear that I may never conceive again, fear that if I do the same thing will happen. Losing a baby is not just losing THE baby, but the fear of never getting another chance and I think that's why I'm crying now. I'm 37 and time is precious. You only realise how precious as it starts running out.
I think I mentioned that Guy is an American, didn't I? I know he's concerned that if our relationship works out that I will have to relocate to the States and I know he is worried that I will feel like I have to give everything up. Sure, I have a home and a career and a family and friends here but the only real loss is the relationships. Let's face it, family and friends will always be family and friends regardless of whether there is physical distance or not. I love my family and they mean a lot to me, but I love Guy more and, for me, the decision is already made. What I can't do is make Guy ready for that degree of commitment. Sometimes that hurts and other times I accept that it's me wanting everything NOW because *I* am ready.
Guy has three wonderful kids - a daughter and two sons - that I am very attached to already. They're smart, they're funny, they're noisy, they're lively and they drive me to distraction at times :) When I first started talking to Guy on the phone it was odd to hear him in "Daddy mode". It's odd how much of themselves people give away when they are around children. In a way I'm jealous of his kids. Not because he has them or he loves them, but because I can never be part of their past, I can only hope to be part of their future. I will never be their mother or be able to share responsibility for them. They have a mother of their own for that role.
The tears have stopped at long last. I'm almost bored with them - does that make sense? I frustrate myself when I can't force myself out of this mood. I'm a happy person by nature, very calm and easygoing and when I don't feel like that I don't really know how to deal with myself.
I've decided to get up and go round to see my parents. Dad will be busy, replacing the bathroom and the whole house will be chaos. He's like that, my Dad. Everything is a drama and the more dramatic it gets, the happier he is. My Mum, on the other hand, is very quiet. She's strong and peaceful and the glue that holds us all together. Isn't that what Mums are for, after all? She successfully battled breast cancer last year and is in remission. So odd how most people think that you are "cured" of cancer. Mum may never have another flare up. I hope she doesn't as she is the person who least deserves it.
Ah well, now that the tears have stopped I can go visit them safe in the knowledge that I won't upset them by crying. Time to wash my face and brush my hair and do something "real". Why is it that people who have no online presence don't understand how much reality we have in here.
Thanks for your replies to my first post, btw. It's odd how you don't realise how much you've missed people until you find them again. I get too frustrated with the CompuServe experience to spend long in there but it doesn't mean I haven't wondered how you are and what you're up to - just that I've had other priorities in my life (like getting to know Guy - some 3 years after I first met him and we were inseparable hunting companions in Asheron's Call!) :)
Gotta go - take care of yourselves and your loved ones. Time is precious so don't waste it! :)
Watching the clinical details on that little blue form changing from ?pregnancy to ?miscarriage and now ?ectopic pregnancy is quite soul destroying. How do I feel? Good question. Most of the time it's comfortably numb and the logical part of me knows this is shock, but oh god, when I stop and think about it the pain is just so bad. I feel guilty - was it my fault? Could I have done something differently? What's wrong with me? Why me? That acute sense of loss for the baby that might've been. Would it have been a boy or a girl? I'll never know now and it's hard to mourn someone you can't visualise, can't give a name to.
Thank God my doctor told me to take this week off, as I truly don't think I could do this at work. It's bad enough being here, alone. I can't stand anyone around me. If they could only confirm it one way or the other. I've got to the stage where I want it to be over. If I've lost it, I want the miscarriage over so I can try and let it go and get on with my life. I don't think they understand. Or maybe they do and they just can't do anything more.
I thought I'd cried it all out on Monday and had no tears left, but I'm crying again. I don't mean to but I can feel the tears trickling hotly down my face and I'm aware that this time it's not grief, it's fear. So many fears all rolled into one. Fear that this will drag on for another week, fear that it IS ectopic and they will have to remove it surgically, fear that I may never conceive again, fear that if I do the same thing will happen. Losing a baby is not just losing THE baby, but the fear of never getting another chance and I think that's why I'm crying now. I'm 37 and time is precious. You only realise how precious as it starts running out.
I think I mentioned that Guy is an American, didn't I? I know he's concerned that if our relationship works out that I will have to relocate to the States and I know he is worried that I will feel like I have to give everything up. Sure, I have a home and a career and a family and friends here but the only real loss is the relationships. Let's face it, family and friends will always be family and friends regardless of whether there is physical distance or not. I love my family and they mean a lot to me, but I love Guy more and, for me, the decision is already made. What I can't do is make Guy ready for that degree of commitment. Sometimes that hurts and other times I accept that it's me wanting everything NOW because *I* am ready.
Guy has three wonderful kids - a daughter and two sons - that I am very attached to already. They're smart, they're funny, they're noisy, they're lively and they drive me to distraction at times :) When I first started talking to Guy on the phone it was odd to hear him in "Daddy mode". It's odd how much of themselves people give away when they are around children. In a way I'm jealous of his kids. Not because he has them or he loves them, but because I can never be part of their past, I can only hope to be part of their future. I will never be their mother or be able to share responsibility for them. They have a mother of their own for that role.
The tears have stopped at long last. I'm almost bored with them - does that make sense? I frustrate myself when I can't force myself out of this mood. I'm a happy person by nature, very calm and easygoing and when I don't feel like that I don't really know how to deal with myself.
I've decided to get up and go round to see my parents. Dad will be busy, replacing the bathroom and the whole house will be chaos. He's like that, my Dad. Everything is a drama and the more dramatic it gets, the happier he is. My Mum, on the other hand, is very quiet. She's strong and peaceful and the glue that holds us all together. Isn't that what Mums are for, after all? She successfully battled breast cancer last year and is in remission. So odd how most people think that you are "cured" of cancer. Mum may never have another flare up. I hope she doesn't as she is the person who least deserves it.
Ah well, now that the tears have stopped I can go visit them safe in the knowledge that I won't upset them by crying. Time to wash my face and brush my hair and do something "real". Why is it that people who have no online presence don't understand how much reality we have in here.
Thanks for your replies to my first post, btw. It's odd how you don't realise how much you've missed people until you find them again. I get too frustrated with the CompuServe experience to spend long in there but it doesn't mean I haven't wondered how you are and what you're up to - just that I've had other priorities in my life (like getting to know Guy - some 3 years after I first met him and we were inseparable hunting companions in Asheron's Call!) :)
Gotta go - take care of yourselves and your loved ones. Time is precious so don't waste it! :)