Trials: Chapter Twenty-Nine
A couple days later, October 9, 2003…
"I know it's something you've wanted Josh" she replied quietly.
"Then why can't you understand that I…" he started.
"You have the music Josh. You have the fans. Why do you have to do something that you know will bring you pain?" her voice quiet.
"It might not anyway Nadia, and if it does then it's me…" he started.
"Do you think you're the only one affected Josh?" her voice quiet.
"I know you…" he started quietly.
"I know" she breathed out. "It's hard to see you in pain Josh…" she trailed off.
"I'm not asking…" he started quietly.
"You're asking me to stand behind a decision I don't agree with Josh. I won't ever agree with" her voice nearly a whisper.
"I need to do this Nadia" he almost shouted, stubbornly.
She drew in a breath and turned to face him. "Why Josh?" she eyed him.
"This is my passion. This is my life…" he started.
"I love you Josh" her voice almost a whisper as she met his eyes for a moment before breaking her gaze. "But I cannot watch you do this to yourself."
"I need you to stand by me" he replied more quietly, his voice weaker.
"I can't" she replied weakly.
"Please…haven't you ever wanted something so much it didn't matter to you the cost?" his voice becoming more frustrated.
She turned slowly to face him, tears slipping down her cheeks. "Yes I have Josh…but I have seen too much with my eyes to stand by and watch you kill yourself slowly" her voice nearly a whisper.
"I have to dance Nadia" he replied stubbornly.
"Then you'll have to do it alone Josh" she replied weakly before she turned and started down the hall.
"I need you to help me" he set his hand on her shoulder.
"And I can't" her voice a whisper.
"I need you" his voice quiet.
She turned slowly and faced him. "I can't stand by and watch it again Josh. I'm sorry, but I can't do it…" she stepped back. "I'm sorry."
The hospital…
"I can't…" he started quietly.
"Greg, come on man" JC interjected, a desperate look in his eyes.
He shook his head slightly. "Didn't she ever tell you why she left Josh?" he asked quietly. She's going to kill me…
"Left?" JC questioned quietly.
"Left University Josh, why she started working with you when she did" Greg replied quietly.
"She said her contract was up and she wanted a change" JC replied quietly with questioning eyes.
"I shouldn't…god she's going to kill me…" Greg started.
"Please Greg" JC's voice nearly a whisper.
He drew in a deep breath. "Josh…she loved working with those guys. They all looked at her like a sister and she looked at them like brothers. They were tight…"
JC nodded slightly.
"She…Nadia wasn't being told everything that was going on. The coach and one of the trainers had been giving a few of the guys assistance in their performances…after injuries."
"I don't…" JC started.
"Jeff was special to her. They'd been close. She'd worked there when he started as a freshman" his voice quiet. He sighed softly. "She saw something special in him Josh, he was being recruited like you wouldn't believe…there was a water-skiing accident. The coach wanted him in the last game to take the team to the regional…"
He drew in a breath. "Jeff knew it was pretty much over. He and Nadia had been working together for awhile…he wasn't ready for the play he was getting, she protested but they didn't listen. Josh, Jeff won't ever walk normally again" his voice quiet.
His brow furrowed for a moment. "How…" he started quietly.
"He slid into third, the baseman wasn't watching him, eye on the ball ya know. He wasn't healed enough to be playing at all so…" Greg trailed off quietly.
"She said she couldn't watch it again…I didn't know…" his voice faded.
The next day, October 10, 2003…
"Where've you been?" she asked quietly after glancing at her watch. He'd asked her to come by to talk again.
"Sorry I'm late" he replied quietly.
"Josh…" she started quietly.
He swallowed hard and walked slowly toward her. "I'm sorry about yelling" his voice quiet.
She nodded slightly. "That's not really what this is about, I mean it is, but it's not" her voice quiet as she sat down at the kitchen table.
He sat down and met her eyes. "You're leaving" his voice quiet, telling.
"Josh, I'm not going to stand in your way if this is something you really want…but I'm not going to stand here and watch it either" she replied quietly.
He held her eyes. Why didn't you tell me about Jeff? I know why…but why didn't you tell me the reason? "So that's it? You're just gonna leave?" he asked quietly.
She lifted her eyes to his again. "What do you want me to do Josh? What do you expect me to do? I can't just watch you do this to yourself" she replied quietly.
"Then help me Nadia" he replied quietly. "Help me find a way I won't kill my body doing what I love. I've been thinking there has to be a way."
"Josh, dancing is hard on the body. It's hard on the body when you don't have physical problems…" she trailed off.
"There has to be a medium Nadia" he replied weakly.
"Why Josh?" she questioned his eyes.
He was a little taken back by her response. "Why…Nadia…" he started.
"Why does there have to be a medium Josh? What if there just isn't? Do you even understand what you're asking me to do? Do you understand what you'll be doing to yourself?" she met his eyes. "You're already a miracle Josh…" she started quietly.
"You're saying I shouldn't want more?" he questioned quietly.
"No" she replied. "I'm saying, I can't help you undo everything you've worked so hard for" she explained quietly.
"We've worked for" he corrected quietly.
"Either way, I can't watch it. I'm sorry Josh but I can't…" her voice quiet.
"This is it? You're just going to leave everything we have?" his voice a whisper.
Her eyes closed. "Don't make me and I won't" her voice a whisper.
"I have to do this Nadia" he replied quietly.
"So do I" she replied as her eyes opened on his. Tears crept past her lashes as her lips brushed over his quickly. "Bye Josh" her voice a whisper.
Flash forward: December 18, 2003…
"He loved you Nadia…" Dominic started. She shook her head slightly. "No?" he questioned. She remained still. "He damn near proclaimed it to the world on his album Nadia. You weren't just some woman he kept around to screw" he replied a little more harshly.
She eyed him. "Do not talk to me like that" her voice quiet but firm.
He rolled his eyes. "You look like hell Nadia, what have you been doing the past two months?" his voice quieter.
"Thank you Dominic, this visit has been very uplifting. I'd love to see you next time you're home…" she started sarcastically as she stood up.
"Don't you even think about it" he placed his hands over hers keeping her still. "You still love him. You're worried about him I can see it Nadia. So why aren't you with him?"
Lance's…
"No she didn't" he shook his head defiantly.
Lance stared at him. "You stupid idiot."
"Thank you Lance, I love you too" JC muttered.
"She saved you in every way possible and you still don't believe she loved you" he shook his head with disgust.
"I gave her everything I could Lance…this isn't…" JC started.
"Bullshit" Lance eyed him. "You gave her what you thought she needed. I know you loved her JC, but damn you're blind."
"She wasn't easy to love Lance…" JC started.
"How I love to be repetitive, bullshit JC" Lance eyed him. "Loving her consumed you. You didn't even know it was happening until you already did. It wasn't something you had to work at. It was just something you did, like breathing, and you're a fool for thinking anything else."
"She pulled away Lance" his voice weaker.
"Because she had to JC" Lance replied more quietly. "She had to."
He was quiet a moment. "Why couldn't she just have told me about Jeff. I would've…" he started.
"What JC? What could you have done for her? Nothing" Lance replied quietly. "Jeff came before you; he's the reason you have your legs" he shook his head slightly.
"What?" JC eyed him.
"You don't remember a damn thing JC, and maybe it's not your fault…but you really don't know what you had with her" Lance shook his head slightly.
"Lance, what are you talking about?" JC's voice quiet.
"It was always her JC. She's always been there for you. From the moment you entered that hospital til the moment…" he shook his head.
"Lance, what are you talking about? I didn't even know she existed until…" JC started.
*
He swallowed hard, tears streaming down his face. "Why didn't she tell me?" his voice quiet.
"She never wanted you to feel obligated to be with her JC. She was only ever with you because she loved you and the thought of you being with her for any other reason than the chance that you might have loved her was too much for her to take" Lance's voice quiet.
"I always felt…peace when she was around" his voice almost a whisper.
Lance met his eyes. "My advice, whether or not you want it, undo the damage you've done now…while you might still have a chance" his voice quiet.
A week later, December 24, 2003…
"Holy shit" he breathed out.
"Is she here?" his voice quiet.
"Dominic stop teasing, let him in already" she called softly.
JC pat the puppy's head gently before handing him over to Dominic. "May I?" he asked cautiously.
"She'll kill me, but yeah" Dominic breathed out.
"Thanks" JC replied quietly as he followed.
Dominic set the puppy down and he scurried across the floor to where she was sitting. "Did I mention I think this is the best…" she stopped as she caught sight of him.
"I'll quit, if you ask me to" his voice nearly a whisper.
She swallowed hard before raising her eyes. "What makes you even think I want anything to do with you?" she asked.
"Don't be a bitch Nadia, you miss him and you know it" Dominic cut in before he left them alone.
She cursed under her breath, her eyes drifting back to the puppy she'd pulled up in her arms.
"What's his name?" he asked quietly.
"Why are you here Josh?" she replied.
"You know why I'm here Nadia" he replied quietly. "The only dancing I want to do is with you" his voice almost a whisper.
She pulled the puppy closer to her, petting it. "Why do you have to say stuff like that all the time?" she breathed out.
"Stuff like what?" he asked quietly as he sat on the floor next to her.
"Stuff like that" she breathed out. Having him that close to her after their time apart was like dropping a match in a pool of gas, igniting her senses.
"I just want one slow dance" his voice a whisper.
"Stuff like that" she breathed out.
"I'll stop if you ask me to Nadia" his voice a whisper.
Her eyes closed. "I'm not going to ask you not to do something you love Josh" her voice a weak whisper.
"Good" he breathed out before he leaned over taking her lips in a soft kiss.
"This isn't what…" she started in a murmur.
"Shh" he breathed out before kissing her again.
She pulled back drawing in a breath. "What makes you think you can just…" she started only to be silenced again.
"I still need you Nadia" he breathed out.
"I don't want to be something holding you back Josh" her voice quiet.
He was quiet a moment. "Everything I wrote, everything I said about us…" he started quietly.
"Josh, I know he told you about Jeff" her voice quiet. "You were different from him though, I was never…" she started.
"I know" he replied quietly.
"You had so much more drive…I can't be with you and have you trying to break yourself…but I can't ask you not to do something you love either" her voice quiet.
"We'll have scars from each other no matter what happens Nadia" his voice a whisper as his fingers touched her head, the place she hit herself on the edge of the pool and he'd finally gotten a look at. The place she got three stitches that night. But it was more than the physical he was talking about and she knew it.
"We both have battle wounds Josh" her voice quiet.
He drew in a breath. "I love you Nadia. I didn't understand everything, maybe I still don't. But I know that I love you. You don't have to ask me to stop dancing, just tell me you still love me."
"I can't go back…" she started quietly.
"Nadia, I quit two weeks ago. I quit for myself. Just tell me you love and you still want me and I'm yours" his voice a whisper, his eyes searching hers.
Her eyes dropped to the mass of fur in her arms. Her fingers trembling as they glided over the groggy pup.
"Tell me you love me and it doesn't have to be like before. I won't be away Nadia. It won't be weeks on end with a tired phone call to end the day. We can start again, write new rules…" his voice a whisper.
"Why did you change your mind Josh?" her voice barely audible.
"I love dancing Nadia…but I love you more. I've been miserable without you, driving everyone I'm around nuts, driving myself nuts…" he started.
She lifted her eyes to his. "You'll resent me later…" she started quietly.
"I could never resent you for this Nadia" his voice a whisper. I understand…why you didn't before. And I know you're the reason I'm still myself.
"How do you know that Josh?" her voice quiet. "Ten years from now you could…" she started.
"There are things that I understand now, I didn't before Nadia" his voice quiet. He met her eyes. "I remember now, what it was like without you…" he started.
"I…Josh, I want…" she sighed quietly, lifting her eyes to his. "Lance told you" she breathed out.
"Lance told me I was being a stupid jerk letting you slip away Nadia, and he was right" he replied quietly.
She shook her head. "He told you" her voice quiet.
He sighed quietly. "No lies" he breathed out with a little nod.
"He told me he told you Josh" her voice quiet.
"Why didn't you ever tell me Nadia…" he started quietly.
"It was so risky Josh" she lowered her eyes. "What I did with you was so risky…when you came in and I saw you. There was so much pain in your eyes…I thought that if I could, if it worked at least you'd be spared that much…" she started.
"Nadia…" his voice quiet.
"Nobody thought it would work. Dr. Jenkins took a huge risk for me…he was a guest lecturer in a class I was taking once…" she trailed off.
"Nadia, why didn't you tell me I wasn't playing with something that was mine alone?" his voice quiet.
She shook her head. "You belong to yourself Josh. I never wanted ownership…but you have to understand I couldn't watch you destroy something it took you so long to get back…the chance was so slight…" she trailed off.
"I think about you all the time Nadia…" he started quietly.
"I never stopped loving you Josh…I had to put space between us though" her voice quiet.
"I know…I didn't give you much choice Nadia" he drew in a breath as he met her eyes again. "Is there a chance?" his voice quiet.
Her fingers grazed across his cheek. "I want there to be" she breathed out.
"Tell me" his voice a whisper.
"I'm stronger from you, but I'm still fragile" her voice a whisper.
"So am I Nadia" his voice a whisper.
He knew he had her from the look in her eyes and she had known the moment her eyes landed on him that night there'd be no more pretending.
The puppy's yelp eventually pulled them apart.
"God I missed you" he breathed out.
THE END
If you want to continue, this next little bit completely twists the entire story. If you like it ending in the more 'classical' way with them living happily ever after, do not continue.
Chapter Thirty