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Jun 07, 2004 12:50

My stomach hurts. My first psychiatrist appointment will be today. I need my medicinal doses increased. My dad thinks I might be developing an eating disorder and my mom thinks that it is a side-effect of the concerta maybe. I don’t know which, and I really don’t care. I just want my appetite back because I really cant afford to not have it. Im so hungry but nothing is appealing. At least nothing in my grasp. I get a huge appetite for something and then cant eat it. I get full super fast. And if my appetite comes back for a brief moment, and I eat all the food I want to, I get sick. I barely ate anything on Saturday and then went to the pool party, went swimming, and thought I was going to die. I had to come home early because I was so sick. Hypoglycemia maybe. That’s what my mom thinks. I’ll talk to my psychiatrist today.

Huge fight with my parents yesterday. One of those really big ones where I storm out of the house. One of those where I decide if they don’t let me leave, I will leave and not come back. Things calmed down although nothing really was resolved. They say im the cause of every argument between us. Its all my fault. They just want me to admit that. Mom says I critizize her too much. Its my fault that she switches. And when she does, I guess im supposed to forgive her because it wasn’t her? I don’t know how to deal with a situation like that.

When sorry loses its meaning, it becomes really hard to forgive. Well, I guess it hasn’t lost all meaning, but I sure am sick of hearing it from people who don’t mean it. People who say theyre sorry just for themselves. So they don’t feel guilty. People who say sorry and keep arguing. Say sorry and do the same thing over and over and over. I want people to say sorry because they really and truly are. Say sorry because they want ME to feel better, not THEM. Don’t say youre sorry for something you said if you meant it. “I meant it, but I shouldn’t have said it.” That’s not a sorry. And people wonder why I have such a hard time forgiving. I will have to get used to the word this week. Its all im going to hear considering he’s coming. Tonight at nine actually but he better not stop by the house. “sorry” is the only word he will say. I don’t blame him though. But I really hope he doesn’t expect me to accept his apology. I don’t know what I want from him. Well, yes I do but I guess its not necessarily realistic.

Wishes are depressing….
I wish he would just drop off the face of this planet.
I wish tomarrow would never come.
I wish my grades were worthy of praise.
I wish I had someone to call my own.
I wish I felt beautiful.
I wish I didn’t have to deal with all these problems that require pills and therapy.
I wish my parents didn’t have to lock up the pills.
I wish I was better at keeping in contact with people I care about.
I wish me and my parents got along.
I wish I had a job.
I wish I had a liscence.
I wish I wasn’t allergic to everything.
I wish I could sleep forever.
I wish I could never sleep again.
I wish I wouldn’t cry so much.
I wish people didn’t care about me so much.
I wish I could help my friends.
I wish to be alone.
I wish to be away from home.
I wish I didn’t have so many wishes.

We’ll see how things go I guess. It cant possibly be as bad as I am expecting. My stomach hurts so much though and im so hungry. I don’t know what I want.

“im never going to let it go.” …I had forgotten.

~winterborn~
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